Ok so Iâm having a bit of a rough time ATM. Itâs in relation to this comment I made yesterday.
Miniest and I have had a few chats, Iâve tried to be tolerant and accepting but Iâm ashamed to say that the tolerance and understanding is not happening as easily on my end of things as it probably should be. I feel that just because the âgirliestâ girls in the class donât want to play their girly games with you for example, and just because you are not into wearing girly clothes etc., that doesnât make you any less of a girl. It certainly doesnât make you a boy. There is a lot of middle ground between the ultra glam feminine stereotypical examples of womanliness and the more masculine âtom boyâ (to use an expression from my childhood) stereotypes of women. Most of us seem to be kind of in the middle somewhere. Some of us have girly nails or drive a girly car or have beautiful girly hair and clothes but also know how to put up a bookshelf or change a washer on a tap or are a mean kick of the footy. Thatâs the beauty of having the freedom to pick and choose and be flexible with your identity and self perception. As you grow up you find your spot and get comfortable with yourself and learn who you are. Iâm trying to explain this to Miniest but itâs impossible for her to understand because she lacks the life experience to do so, but is pretty steadfast and stubborn about being called a boy. Iâve had to be honest; Iâm sometimes tactful but unfortunately also can be pretty blunt. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck and has feathers like a duck and looks like a duck then you can pretty well guess itâs a bloody duck. My child looks like a girl, sounds like a girl and to me is a girl, just not a conventionaly girly one, and itâs actually this aspect of her that I love the most. She is strongly individual, rebellious, outspoken and creative, hilarious and unique and beautiful. Iâm glad and proud of her being my daughter with attributes like these, and Iâm not adjusting well to this new thinking, itâs making me feel old and tired and a bit lost. Thankyou for reading my rant, I had to put it out there to just⌠get it out.
StudChud@aussie.zone â¨1⊠â¨day⊠ago
Iâm AFAB non-binary (biologically female and raised as a girl, but I donât identify as either male or female in my head), but Iâm not a parent so please take this with a big grain of salt.
I knew from Miniestâs age, and even before, that I wasnât like the other kids. I was too much of a âgirlâ for the boys to include me, and too much of a âboyâ for the girls to include me. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, because I wanted to wear dresses but also wanted to play footy and play with âboyâ toys (I so badly wanted hot wheels. I got a Barbie doll đ¤Śââď¸). I had no words to describe myself, I would cry because I felt like I didnât fit in or belong anywhere. Didnât help that mum refused to dress me in feminine clothes because of her own trauma (fear of men staring at me đ) but her family would ask me why I dress like a boy. It was very confusing and traumatising on top of everything else I was dealing with.
It took me a long time, not until I was 28 to realise I was NB, and to also allow myself to dress both femininely and masculinely without feeling awful and gross. And that was because I was reading posts from other NBs and I felt so seen and understood. I donât do anything different now, I still look and sound like a woman. I dress femininely and masculinely equally, Iâm confident telling people my pronouns are they/them but also accept that I will be referred to as she/her because Iâm not overly androgynous. The difference is, is that I donât think Iâm inherently âwrongâ for being this way, and I accept myself with kindness. It doesnât change who I am, but I am much more confident and happy with myself.
Miniest also is about to hit puberty, and itâs just going to involve a lot of labels and discovery on her part. They might not feel âfemaleâ now, but that can change, and might change a lot or not at all. They might try on different labels and styles, as itâs a journey of discovering oneself and accepting oneself fully and wholly.
The best thing you can do is just, try to accept it? Accept that right now, Miniest doesnât feel particularly âfemaleâ in their head, accept that that might change as they grow and discover who they are. Personally, Iâd avoid asking too many questions, especially as it can (but not always!) feel like an interrogation, but just reinforce that you love and and accept Miniest no matter what. That their journey and who they are, who they will become, will not ever change how much you love Miniest. Thatâs the most important part - that Miniest knows that no matter what, you will always have their back and be in their corner.
I canât speak for the parent side of it, Iâm sorry. But I do know that Miniest will always need you on their side.
Eagle@aussie.zone â¨1⊠â¨day⊠ago
Spud, that is so beautifully put. đ
StudChud@aussie.zone â¨1⊠â¨day⊠ago
Thank you! I hope it came across as kind! Iâm certainly not judging Peeler!
Just hoped to give my thoughts as someone who is what Miniest seems to identify with presently đđ
Miniest is in good hands with Peeler, I believe that wholeheartedly!!
PeelerSheila@aussie.zone â¨1⊠â¨day⊠ago
I appreciate your thoughts đ
PeelerSheila@aussie.zone â¨1⊠â¨day⊠ago
Thankyou for sharing your story⌠Wow I could relate to much of this, the whole too much a girl to be included with the boys and vice versa, and even the Hot Wheels (mum stubbornly kept buying me dolls and Iâd put them in the cupboard and refuse to play with them). I can see Miniest as NB, if anyone in the family is going to challenge binary thinking itâll be her! I try to tell my kids I love them no matter what quite often; my own motherâs love was strictly conditional and transactional and I suffered greatly because of it. I think youâre right too about her trying on a few different labels and identities as she grows, I can really see her doing that.