MacaqueAndCheese
@MacaqueAndCheese@lemmy.ca
- Comment on I am definitely slowing down to allow this guy to get in front of me 19 hours ago:
When I’m like 80 I’m getting one of these for my mobility scooter and I’m just gonna ride in the middle of the road.
- Comment on How to ace a job interview 19 hours ago:
Bob Saget’s grandpa used to tell me about how he used to ace his job interviews by talking about the world renown communist Ninja turtles. I don’t remember what he said about them though because I used to get really bored talking to geriatrics.
- Comment on “Teaching crabs how to read” 1 day ago:
I tried to teach my grandpa’s crabs how to read but he smacked me and told me to stop talking to his pubes
- Comment on productive conversations were had 2 days ago:
He looks like the little weasel that lives in my uncle’s foreskin. That things been dead for years but the taxidermist filled it with dehydrated cum flakes to keep with the theme of penis weasel. One day when he dies I’ll scoop the little guy out of there and empty out those cum flakes and smoke them on public transit.
- Comment on Best before August 3rd 2 days ago:
I’ve got brain syndrome
- Comment on Best before August 3rd 2 days ago:
Speaking of vegetables, my neighbor’s kid got hit by a limousine on his way home from basketball school so his mom told me I can have his collection of Alvin and the chipmunks hentai. I told her I have no interest in such nonsense but she insisted I take them, so I’ve been handing them out to panhandlers in my city. They’ve been really appreciative of it, one guy even told me he knows some vegetable kid who got smoked by a limo who would love these, so he collected all of them and brought them to the hospital and put them on the kid’s bedside table. Two days later he started showing brain activity again and his mom was so disappointed because that meant the Alvin and the chipmunks hentai collection would be returning to her home.
- Comment on well? did it? 3 days ago:
The answer to your question is tempura tapeworms. That’s how.
- Comment on well? did it? 3 days ago:
It made me happy until I read the article about a truckload of vintage Japanese porn crashing into a grain silo in rural Manitoba and being completely destroyed. Apparently that truck had the only remaining copy of the 1972 magazine featuring “the girl with the tempura asshole”. It was a revolutionary piece of art that introduced the concept of eating ass to a generation.
- Comment on No more CUM until 19 July 3 days ago:
Yeah but I don’t like that song so no
- Comment on No more CUM until 19 July 3 days ago:
Cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum (to the tune of Bill Nye the Science guy theme)
- Comment on shut up 3 days ago:
When my dad was like 4 years old he got lost in a Walmart store in Alabama and some old couple found him and adopted him. Sixty four years later his bio parents came to pick him up and he immediately turned them into a chair made of bones. Iain M Banks would be proud.
- Comment on All about that bass 4 days ago:
My favorite thing about bass is that if you feed them 6 tabs of acid and put them in a bathtub filled with water and food coloring they get really into it and start dancing around and going fuckin nuts. It’s even more fun if you take 6 tabs of acid and get in the bath with it, eventually though something happens where it swallows your dong and you freak out because you think it’s turning you into a mermaid but then you cum and laugh your ass off for 10 minutes straight just gasping for breath because you just got blown by a fish. Just watch out because the last time I did this I fainted from laughing too hard and drowned in the tub. The fish also died but somehow I reincarnated as it so then I was just a bass in a tub with some dead loser in it so I hopped out of the tub into the toilet and swam to the safety of my local sewage treatment plant where I was shredded to bits and chemically treated then hauled to a farm in a truck full of sludge and sprayed all over a field where a crop of tomatoes grew. That whole part was a blur but somehow my consciousness managed to stay the entire time until the tomatoes I was got canned into pizza sauce and some guy named Roger bought it and made pizza at home. Long story short I took over Rogers body and now I get to be human again. Next week I’m going fishing and hopefully I can catch a nice bass and do it all over again.
- Comment on The holy trinity 1 week ago:
One time I prayed to God and a different God answered my prayer in a language I didn’t understand so I just gave up and became a Buddhist monk but then they kicked me out of the monastery on account of my boobs and also I was wasted on sharpies all day. So I went back home and prayed again to see if anyone would answer in my language, the only one that matters but no one answered. So then I became a Buddhist monk and uhhh something about drawing all over my tits with sharpies in a temple and some angry bald guy telling me to leave. He was nice though he gave me a quarter to call my grandma for a ride. When she picked me up she told me she prayed I was safe but some other God answered her in wing dings and I didn’t understand how that was possible until I remembered she has Stephen Hawking’s old rig set up for herself. So I prayed to God she wouldn’t crash the car because she’s not exactly mobile and guess what?! My prayer got answered by a guy named Steve who called my dad an asshole in the 5th grade. I guess what I’m getting at is if you pray to God you could have a fun adventure like I did despite the fact that there’s no such thing as gods.
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 3 weeks ago:
You ain’t ever spin a basketball on your finger?!
- Comment on [deleted] 3 weeks ago:
My dad was a fibreglass monkey and he used to eat all the fake fruit displays when I was a kid. It was almost as embarrassing as when he gave a speech at my wedding and opened it with “All my bronies call me ribbit dick Tony”.
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 3 weeks ago:
It’s because America is like a cool cowboys and Indians place when you’re a kid, then as a teenager it’s like the cool music/movie country with big cities and then you reach 40 and you’ve been to many other countries and realize America just sucks. It’s the richest country to ever exist, it could be a literal utopia.
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 3 weeks ago:
I don’t know, the medical bills that result from whatever fun diseases you get from a 99¢ sloppy would probably be pretty high. Lucky for me I’m not American so and we don’t have White Castle here.
- Comment on captchas make us human 3 weeks ago:
My favorite captcha is the one where you have to explain existential dread
- Comment on Adventure awaits, boy! 3 weeks ago:
My dad Ed Gein left me his recipe for knobschlager but I don’t think I’ll ever make it. It’s just Goldschlager with a few severed dicks steeped in it.
Why couldn’t he leave me something useful like a sandwich or something.
- Comment on Everything is longer, including Florida Man 3 weeks ago:
You know the best thing about long Florida is that they give the best Kentucky cock squeezes in the country. In case you didn’t know, a Kentucky cock squeeze is when a man or woman gives you a handjob with nothing but the grease on their hands after eating a bucket of KFC.
- Comment on The truth is out there 4 weeks ago:
My favorite part of peeing is that you can’t spell penis without pee. Too bad that moron up in heaven didn’t name it a cumnis though, that would’ve been even better.
- Comment on FOR THE LAST TIME YOU'RE NEVER THE ONLY PERS- oh 4 weeks ago:
I used to peel all my croissants and store them in my walls as insulation then wrap the peels around real insulation and sell them at a local church bake sale. Man those old Christians love eating insulation wrapped in a thin layer of bread.
- Comment on Weird 4 weeks ago:
The pre 9/11 world was truly a different place. I used to cross the border into the states as a 15 year old to go to concerts with nothing but an old red and white Canadian health card that didn’t even have a picture on it.
- Comment on Weird 4 weeks ago:
I tried to explain to my 23 year old grandson’s co-worker that we used to have to jack off to magazines and he had no idea what the word magazine meant. What a sad little wanker.
- Comment on You wouldn't listen 4 weeks ago:
An introduction to cat dick by senior meow meow is one of the most ridiculous books I’ve never read because it doesn’t exist
- Comment on Just gonna toss this one in here… 4 weeks ago:
Almost as wide as that time I got high and watched old family guy episodes that I haven’t seen in like 20 years
- Comment on Just gonna toss this one in here… 4 weeks ago:
I was at the restaurant when I learned of a Tailor who makes shoes out of raisins instead of leather and I got so excited I ran out on my bill and drove as far as I could to the Tailor to get my hands on some of those sweet raisin shoes. When I got there he had several live mice in a bowl of ice all jamming out to rat in a cage by smashing pumpkins and then suddenly they erupted in laughter and ate my brand new raisin shoes. The tailor then charged me 1800$ for the shoes and refused to validate my parking so I got a 500$ fine. So I went home to my wife and told her we have to sell her car because the ice mice ate the raisin shoes I paid for and we can’t afford her car payments anymore. She stared me right in the eyes and immediately pounced on me and we made the most passionate love we’d ever made. It absolutely saved our marriage and with our new found passion we started a couple’s only fans and made 5200$ in our first month.
After making enough money to buy her a new car she left me for a woman who dresses as Bozo the clown for a living. Every now and then we have a three-way but I just really really want a pair of raisin shoes.
- Comment on Pride month 4 weeks ago:
My favorite thing about the dude who jacks new off is that he’s me
- Comment on caught in 4k 5 weeks ago:
Uh oh now everyone’s going to know I use pube straightener before laying my penile eggs in them.
- Comment on [deleted] 5 weeks ago:
Way to rain on my parade. Tabarnac, you just ruined my entire life.