MacaqueAndCheese
@MacaqueAndCheese@lemmy.ca
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 1 day ago:
You ain’t ever spin a basketball on your finger?!
- Comment on [deleted] 2 days ago:
My dad was a fibreglass monkey and he used to eat all the fake fruit displays when I was a kid. It was almost as embarrassing as when he gave a speech at my wedding and opened it with “All my bronies call me ribbit dick Tony”.
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 2 days ago:
It’s because America is like a cool cowboys and Indians place when you’re a kid, then as a teenager it’s like the cool music/movie country with big cities and then you reach 40 and you’ve been to many other countries and realize America just sucks. It’s the richest country to ever exist, it could be a literal utopia.
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 2 days ago:
I don’t know, the medical bills that result from whatever fun diseases you get from a 99¢ sloppy would probably be pretty high. Lucky for me I’m not American so and we don’t have White Castle here.
- Comment on captchas make us human 2 days ago:
My favorite captcha is the one where you have to explain existential dread
- Comment on Adventure awaits, boy! 3 days ago:
My dad Ed Gein left me his recipe for knobschlager but I don’t think I’ll ever make it. It’s just Goldschlager with a few severed dicks steeped in it.
Why couldn’t he leave me something useful like a sandwich or something.
- Comment on Everything is longer, including Florida Man 3 days ago:
You know the best thing about long Florida is that they give the best Kentucky cock squeezes in the country. In case you didn’t know, a Kentucky cock squeeze is when a man or woman gives you a handjob with nothing but the grease on their hands after eating a bucket of KFC.
- Comment on The truth is out there 1 week ago:
My favorite part of peeing is that you can’t spell penis without pee. Too bad that moron up in heaven didn’t name it a cumnis though, that would’ve been even better.
- Comment on FOR THE LAST TIME YOU'RE NEVER THE ONLY PERS- oh 1 week ago:
I used to peel all my croissants and store them in my walls as insulation then wrap the peels around real insulation and sell them at a local church bake sale. Man those old Christians love eating insulation wrapped in a thin layer of bread.
- Comment on Weird 1 week ago:
The pre 9/11 world was truly a different place. I used to cross the border into the states as a 15 year old to go to concerts with nothing but an old red and white Canadian health card that didn’t even have a picture on it.
- Comment on Weird 1 week ago:
I tried to explain to my 23 year old grandson’s co-worker that we used to have to jack off to magazines and he had no idea what the word magazine meant. What a sad little wanker.
- Comment on You wouldn't listen 1 week ago:
An introduction to cat dick by senior meow meow is one of the most ridiculous books I’ve never read because it doesn’t exist
- Comment on Just gonna toss this one in here… 1 week ago:
Almost as wide as that time I got high and watched old family guy episodes that I haven’t seen in like 20 years
- Comment on Just gonna toss this one in here… 1 week ago:
I was at the restaurant when I learned of a Tailor who makes shoes out of raisins instead of leather and I got so excited I ran out on my bill and drove as far as I could to the Tailor to get my hands on some of those sweet raisin shoes. When I got there he had several live mice in a bowl of ice all jamming out to rat in a cage by smashing pumpkins and then suddenly they erupted in laughter and ate my brand new raisin shoes. The tailor then charged me 1800$ for the shoes and refused to validate my parking so I got a 500$ fine. So I went home to my wife and told her we have to sell her car because the ice mice ate the raisin shoes I paid for and we can’t afford her car payments anymore. She stared me right in the eyes and immediately pounced on me and we made the most passionate love we’d ever made. It absolutely saved our marriage and with our new found passion we started a couple’s only fans and made 5200$ in our first month.
After making enough money to buy her a new car she left me for a woman who dresses as Bozo the clown for a living. Every now and then we have a three-way but I just really really want a pair of raisin shoes.
- Comment on Pride month 2 weeks ago:
My favorite thing about the dude who jacks new off is that he’s me
- Comment on caught in 4k 2 weeks ago:
Uh oh now everyone’s going to know I use pube straightener before laying my penile eggs in them.
- Comment on [deleted] 2 weeks ago:
Way to rain on my parade. Tabarnac, you just ruined my entire life.
- Comment on [deleted] 2 weeks ago:
If you’re a rabbit go nuts and bang other rabbits but if you’re a human person no no no we don’t fuck animals
- Comment on [deleted] 2 weeks ago:
The best thing to do before your wedding is to go camping and bang like rabbits. You know what they say, jizz tents makes the heart grow fonder.
- Comment on oh look a toy! 2 weeks ago:
This is me after a night of drinking dayquil and NyQuil while surfing the web using a skamtebord instead of a computer.
- Comment on [META] A little PSA for some of ya'll 2 weeks ago:
My nanobot daddy built me a pet robot that runs on wombat cum but I accidentally filled it with Wallaby cum instead so it got angry and showed me a forbidden video from the jungle of an elephant jerking off a few Bonobos with it’s trunk.
- Comment on Remember when a package didn't need instructions on how to open it 2 weeks ago:
It’s talking about pussy right? Right?
- Comment on This was a great website and I still miss it 2 weeks ago:
Steak and cheese
- Comment on iykyk 2 weeks ago:
I said something about my jerboa app gonna stop working soon because of dumb Android API rules and no one at my Mennonite furniture store knew what the fuck I was talking about
- Comment on 'Rise of the Silver Surfer' is a heartwarming story of four seniors who find love online...and become a quadruple 2 weeks ago:
The boner pill industry approves
- Comment on lifehacks yay ✨️✨️ 2 weeks ago:
My ex husband showed me this trick years ago. I still miss him but we had to separate because his gynecologist convinced me to drink 8 gallons of knob softener and caused a sexual catastrophe. Now I sit around playing dragon quest 4 with earplugs and a blindfold on every Wednesday night in his honor.
- Comment on something to be reinvented 2 weeks ago:
The asbestos condoms keep your shlonger safe from all the gross stuff on the balogna when you stuff it into a toilet paper tube to bake a makeshift fleshlight.
- Comment on something to be reinvented 2 weeks ago:
The cool thing about the postal service is that they will deliver anything no questions asked.
Top bun from a McDonald’s hamburger? no problem!
Asbestos condoms? You got it!
Several slices of 9 year old moldy balogna? Hell yeah buddy!
- Comment on buttery males 2 weeks ago:
Just to be clear here the “he” I’m referring to is Rodney Clinton.
- Comment on buttery males 2 weeks ago:
He’s gonna open up a KFC rip off chain called Nantucket fried hymen. The only thing they serve is deep fried fish hymens with some kind of cum based mayonnaise sauce. I can’t wait to try it, I bet it’ll be disgusting