MacaqueAndCheese
@MacaqueAndCheese@lemmy.ca
- Comment on If I had to see it, so do you 5 hours ago:
Yeah, this is my life exactly
- Submitted 9 hours ago to [deleted] | 3 comments
- Comment on Do it now!!!!! 2 days ago:
Fun fact: it’s a crime to bake a cat but not a crime to bake bread.
- Comment on Wishboner 1 week ago:
Every morning when I wake up Im part of a sequel to these movies called Pissboner
- Submitted 1 week ago to [deleted] | 8 comments
- Comment on Let me scorpion-surf in peace! 1 week ago:
The last time I went scorpion surfing Urkel put a snorkel in my ass to help me pass gas. It was pretty cool I guess.
- Comment on [deleted] 1 week ago:
If only I could monetize them, then I could afford many quail eggs.
- Comment on [deleted] 1 week ago:
When I was a kid in the 60s my hippie uncle told me that what gave him power was stuffing a quail egg in his foreskin and then his elderly neighbour would put her false teeth in her ass and he’d boink her and the egg would come out of his foreskin and she’d chomp it in her ass with the false teeth. I had no idea what he was talking about because I was only 7 when he told me this but now that I’m elderly I love sticking my false teeth in my ass to chew quail eggs from nice men.
- Comment on Goodnight mum *shakes hand* 1 week ago:
It’s like that old nursery rhyme “suck my dick and fuck my dad, but only if your name is Brad”
- Comment on Goodnight mum *shakes hand* 1 week ago:
My neighbor’s great grandson got caught making smoked dog knob salads for the church picnic and no one batted an eye. They all loved it and asked for the recipe.
- Comment on I am definitely slowing down to allow this guy to get in front of me 2 weeks ago:
When I’m like 80 I’m getting one of these for my mobility scooter and I’m just gonna ride in the middle of the road.
- Comment on How to ace a job interview 2 weeks ago:
Bob Saget’s grandpa used to tell me about how he used to ace his job interviews by talking about the world renown communist Ninja turtles. I don’t remember what he said about them though because I used to get really bored talking to geriatrics.
- Comment on “Teaching crabs how to read” 3 weeks ago:
I tried to teach my grandpa’s crabs how to read but he smacked me and told me to stop talking to his pubes
- Comment on productive conversations were had 3 weeks ago:
He looks like the little weasel that lives in my uncle’s foreskin. That things been dead for years but the taxidermist filled it with dehydrated cum flakes to keep with the theme of penis weasel. One day when he dies I’ll scoop the little guy out of there and empty out those cum flakes and smoke them on public transit.
- Comment on Best before August 3rd 3 weeks ago:
I’ve got brain syndrome
- Comment on Best before August 3rd 3 weeks ago:
Speaking of vegetables, my neighbor’s kid got hit by a limousine on his way home from basketball school so his mom told me I can have his collection of Alvin and the chipmunks hentai. I told her I have no interest in such nonsense but she insisted I take them, so I’ve been handing them out to panhandlers in my city. They’ve been really appreciative of it, one guy even told me he knows some vegetable kid who got smoked by a limo who would love these, so he collected all of them and brought them to the hospital and put them on the kid’s bedside table. Two days later he started showing brain activity again and his mom was so disappointed because that meant the Alvin and the chipmunks hentai collection would be returning to her home.
- Comment on well? did it? 3 weeks ago:
The answer to your question is tempura tapeworms. That’s how.
- Comment on well? did it? 3 weeks ago:
It made me happy until I read the article about a truckload of vintage Japanese porn crashing into a grain silo in rural Manitoba and being completely destroyed. Apparently that truck had the only remaining copy of the 1972 magazine featuring “the girl with the tempura asshole”. It was a revolutionary piece of art that introduced the concept of eating ass to a generation.
- Comment on No more CUM until 19 July 3 weeks ago:
Yeah but I don’t like that song so no
- Comment on No more CUM until 19 July 3 weeks ago:
Cum cum cum cum cum cum cum cum (to the tune of Bill Nye the Science guy theme)
- Comment on shut up 3 weeks ago:
When my dad was like 4 years old he got lost in a Walmart store in Alabama and some old couple found him and adopted him. Sixty four years later his bio parents came to pick him up and he immediately turned them into a chair made of bones. Iain M Banks would be proud.
- Comment on All about that bass 3 weeks ago:
My favorite thing about bass is that if you feed them 6 tabs of acid and put them in a bathtub filled with water and food coloring they get really into it and start dancing around and going fuckin nuts. It’s even more fun if you take 6 tabs of acid and get in the bath with it, eventually though something happens where it swallows your dong and you freak out because you think it’s turning you into a mermaid but then you cum and laugh your ass off for 10 minutes straight just gasping for breath because you just got blown by a fish. Just watch out because the last time I did this I fainted from laughing too hard and drowned in the tub. The fish also died but somehow I reincarnated as it so then I was just a bass in a tub with some dead loser in it so I hopped out of the tub into the toilet and swam to the safety of my local sewage treatment plant where I was shredded to bits and chemically treated then hauled to a farm in a truck full of sludge and sprayed all over a field where a crop of tomatoes grew. That whole part was a blur but somehow my consciousness managed to stay the entire time until the tomatoes I was got canned into pizza sauce and some guy named Roger bought it and made pizza at home. Long story short I took over Rogers body and now I get to be human again. Next week I’m going fishing and hopefully I can catch a nice bass and do it all over again.
- Comment on The holy trinity 4 weeks ago:
One time I prayed to God and a different God answered my prayer in a language I didn’t understand so I just gave up and became a Buddhist monk but then they kicked me out of the monastery on account of my boobs and also I was wasted on sharpies all day. So I went back home and prayed again to see if anyone would answer in my language, the only one that matters but no one answered. So then I became a Buddhist monk and uhhh something about drawing all over my tits with sharpies in a temple and some angry bald guy telling me to leave. He was nice though he gave me a quarter to call my grandma for a ride. When she picked me up she told me she prayed I was safe but some other God answered her in wing dings and I didn’t understand how that was possible until I remembered she has Stephen Hawking’s old rig set up for herself. So I prayed to God she wouldn’t crash the car because she’s not exactly mobile and guess what?! My prayer got answered by a guy named Steve who called my dad an asshole in the 5th grade. I guess what I’m getting at is if you pray to God you could have a fun adventure like I did despite the fact that there’s no such thing as gods.
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 1 month ago:
You ain’t ever spin a basketball on your finger?!
- Comment on [deleted] 1 month ago:
My dad was a fibreglass monkey and he used to eat all the fake fruit displays when I was a kid. It was almost as embarrassing as when he gave a speech at my wedding and opened it with “All my bronies call me ribbit dick Tony”.
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 1 month ago:
It’s because America is like a cool cowboys and Indians place when you’re a kid, then as a teenager it’s like the cool music/movie country with big cities and then you reach 40 and you’ve been to many other countries and realize America just sucks. It’s the richest country to ever exist, it could be a literal utopia.
- Comment on THATS A DEAL! 1 month ago:
I don’t know, the medical bills that result from whatever fun diseases you get from a 99¢ sloppy would probably be pretty high. Lucky for me I’m not American so and we don’t have White Castle here.
- Comment on captchas make us human 1 month ago:
My favorite captcha is the one where you have to explain existential dread
- Comment on Adventure awaits, boy! 1 month ago:
My dad Ed Gein left me his recipe for knobschlager but I don’t think I’ll ever make it. It’s just Goldschlager with a few severed dicks steeped in it.
Why couldn’t he leave me something useful like a sandwich or something.
- Comment on Everything is longer, including Florida Man 1 month ago:
You know the best thing about long Florida is that they give the best Kentucky cock squeezes in the country. In case you didn’t know, a Kentucky cock squeeze is when a man or woman gives you a handjob with nothing but the grease on their hands after eating a bucket of KFC.
