Submitted 1 week ago by fuckyou1@lemmy.world to [deleted]
You don’t want a relationship. You want a fuck buddy and there is nothing wrong with that if you can find someone that shares the same values. Don’t lead someone on when they do want a relationship and you just want a fuck buddy. Just be up front with what you want and put yourself out there and someone will find you.
What is the difference?
Look up “friends with benefits” and “situationships”. You only meet for sex or a little romance. Very different from the kind of committed relationships you associate with the terms like “bff”, “girlfriend” or “marriage”. They aren’t neccessarily bad or immoral, just make sure to set boundaries first so each of you knows how to feel about polyamory etc.
i want to get a relationship so i can stop caring about this part of my life, so i can focus on work
Op, you should know that relationships take up a lot of time and effort. Imagine something you have to be conscious of 24/7. Almost every decision you make now has to factor in the relationship™.
Also you’re making generalizations about women that are not necessarily true
it is illogical and self destructive to let an external being have power over my happiness, health, satisfaction, human experience… especially if this being is heavily influenced by tech companies (instagram, facebook, apple), media (hollywood, netflix, movies, shows, music), governments, religions and her friends who are also heavily influenced.
Bro, this is not how relationships work. You need to step back and get a better perspective on the real world.
You don’t. You get therapy and work on yourself first.
Work on what exactly?
are you employed?
do you have your own place?
are you able to meet standard hygiene practices (regular showers, brushing teeth, cleaning your clothing and your sheets regularly)?
are you able to carry on a normal conversation with a man? a woman? (the way you talk about women in this post makes me wonder if you talk to them in a way that makes it obvious that you just want to fuck them - this will immediately torpedo any chance you have with the vast vast majority of women)
do you have interests and hobbies outside of the internet and video games?
are you socially and emotionally developed enough to not share extreme or odd opinions in inappropriate contexts?
If the answer to any of those is “no” - that’s what you want to work on.
Ignoring quite a lot of generalizations and misogyny, it sounds like you’re very independent and also want to find someone else who’s very independent. Might want to get that misogyny sorted out though, most people don’t particularly like people who don’t like them, I think that’ll hamper your efforts at best. Have you tried therapy?
Based on the way that you talk about women, it would be best for all women if you did not try to date any of them. Some real incel shit. Turn of the Internet and go for a walk in the woods.
If you can’t be happy alone, a partner won’t change that.
That’s like being unhappy, while having all your bills paid and other financial needs met, and thinking $1M is gonna change things. It won’t.
You don’t sound like you need a relationship but to stop watching porn and get counseling
You shouldn’t just want a relationship to have a relationship. Women are human beings like you are - they have the same kinds of thoughts and feelings and ambitions that you do.
Long term relationships are about finding someone that you enjoy spending time with. It’s a project and partnership. You want someone whose goals are aligned with yours.
Just “wanting a relationship” to want one is an unhealthy place to start. You get so fixated on the idea of being completed by checking the box, that you’ll overlook all of those red flags and aspects you can’t deal with.
A much better alternative, that will lead to what you ultimately want and what will benefit you, is leading a fulfilling life that will draw potential partners to you. Go join a hiking group, take art classes, see if your library has a book club. Things that benefit you regardless of whether you get the girl or not.
Consider what you offer to potential partners - what benefit is there to being in a relationship with you? What do you envision doing with a partner (other than sex?)
And very strongly consider what you want from a “family” before starting one. Don’t just have children because that’s the societal expectation - have children because you want them and will love them and care for them.
The 5th point is the reason why you should be happy with yourself before embarking on a relationship with another person. Relationships are not the panacea people paint them to be, as all other human endeavours they require work, maintenance and commitment to be healthy and stable. And these can be provided once you can mainly focus on the relationship itself rather than on yourself.
Please note that this doesn’t mean that you’ll have to cancel all the work you do on yourself while being in a relationship, it just means that your self-work has become such a standard that you don’t even have to think about what you have to do to be happy by yourself, you know yourself so well that you do what is needed as if it was a second nature.
Also, avoid thinking about relationships as in your point 4 of the con-list: comparing instinctual behaviour acted by animals with reasoned choices performed by humans is belittling of our actions and an excuse to justify our worst behaviours. We are not (entirely) animals and we shouldn’t use them as a ruler to assess what is right and wrong in our day to day activities.
Best of luck for your future
A relationship is a commitment. Once you have a partner, the two of you work together as one. If you do not maintain this cohesion, it will fall apart. You can’t have an “unrelationship”. That won’t work for long.
Love is one of those things that is ruined by logic.
It doesn’t make sense, and you don’t “decide” to love someone, love chooses you.
Don’t worry about it. Live your life. You may be perfectly content not having a romantic partner, or at some point you may get lonely enough to go out and meet more people, and find someone who fits you. Don’t force it, and don’t feel like you need to “have” someone just because other people expect it.
Good luck, and have fun!
carl_dungeon@lemmy.world 1 week ago
You’re thinking of people as a service rather than connecting with a person for being a person. It’s a give and take, you need to give back. Think of the situation in reverse, someone just using you for ass and pep talks.
You should be with someone because you like them and want to do things for them.