Comment on Why does “come here” bother me so much?

• GentlemanLoser@ttrpg.network ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  As a counselor, of course YOU’LL recommend counseling. Which in this case is maybe a good idea, but also, it’s totally normal for spouses to have pet peeves with one another and it doesn’t necessarily indicate an issue in the relationship.

  Source: married for 25 years

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  • TheGreenGolem@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Nono, you got it wrong. They need to have counseling AND hopefully a divorce ASAP. OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.

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    • anemoia_one@lemmynsfw.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Oh no, r/RelationshipAdvice has made its way to Lemmy

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      • c0mbatbag3l@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        I’m pretty sure he’s being sarcastic and making fun of this behavior.

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      • Scotty_Trees@lemmy.world [bot] ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Does this mean we’ve hit critical mass now? ;)

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    • UlfKirsten@feddit.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Don’t forget to lawyer up

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    • Erk@cdda.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      Now that we’re free from Reddit’s shackles we should up the ante, we need a new relationship ending mantra. Like “delete your hard drive, hire a mercenary squad, and hit the Instagram filters.”

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      • GentlemanLoser@ttrpg.network ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

        Delete your search history, dig a grave, and hit the axe throwing range

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    • marcos@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

      OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.

      Well, it’s safe to recommend those to anybody. Also drink plenty of liquids, preferably water, and don’t forget to breath.

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• DogMuffins@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  This… doesn’t sound like something a counsellor would say.

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  • sorebuttfromsitting@sopuli.xyz ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    kapow, you figured it out

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• Saraphim@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

  I think it bothers me on a couple levels. 1- I feel he keeps me in unnecessary suspense and that’s unpleasant. 2- he participates in a lot of behaviours that are self satisfying. If I’m out he will call and ask what time I’ll be home and a thousand other questions no one else would ever ask, just because he was wondering, and he wanted those wonderings satisfied. It can’t wait until I get home, it must be the second he wonders about it. 3-he thinks I have the answers to all questions, and if I don’t know he expects I’ll be the one to find the answer instead of just googling it like a normal person.

  I’m annoyed because it’s constant and habitual and anything that repeats that you find mildly annoying 5x a day for 15 years will inevitably become infuriating instead. Imagine if someone just poked you in the side 5x a day for 15 years. It doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t really affect your day. It’s just annoying and pointless. But after a while you’ll just snap and scream “why the fuck are you poking me ! Stop touching me!”

  It’s like that.

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  • Thassodar@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    Maybe ask him to switch it up? “Come check this out” for something interesting, “Come here” for something he needs help with (broken glass, for example), and “I need you, now” for emergencies.

    As far as the “wondering” questions go it seems like part curiosity, part control. My dad used to do it to my mom sometimes (he has super early signs of dementia), but my mom shut it down with: she’s her own person and she’s not going to stop living her life and reporting to him when he gets anxious that she’s not home. It may sound cruel but he’s also not calling/texting randomly when one of her church meetings goes longer than expected. This one is more like setting boundaries for when you want to be autonomous without having to worry about answering him immediately.

    Side note: I’m just a musician, not a therapist, so take what I say as you will.

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  • natflow@apollo.town ⁨1⁩ ⁨year⁩ ago

    I’d add a fourth one: when you’ve told him how it makes you feel (and requested he respect you and your time), he’s doubled-down on the disrespect. His shrug just shrugs off all your feelings you were open/vulnerable enough to share like they don’t matter. That’s not okay in a partnership of equals.

    The other patterns you mention (like making you fumble through a new game after a long day and calling you a million times to ask minor questions) are the same thing — the initial thing was disrespectful, so you explained that to him, but he hasn’t chosen to see that as a reason to change. That’s a massive red flag.

    Also, the weaponized ignorance (ie the refusal to spend the two minutes it would take to figure it out on his own) is another part of the very common pattern happening right now between very many couples. The women are waking up to just how unhealthy their dynamic is with their husbands. In the stories that make it to the internet the men don’t usually change — sometimes a huge life adjustment can shake him out of it but only if he reacts with empathy. Good luck. This is difficult. And you’re not alone.

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