Not OP here, what do I do if this is my mother?
Comment on Why does “come here” bother me so much?
sorebuttfromsitting@sopuli.xyz 10 months ago
you need to talk to your partner and go to counseling forthwith.
bricklove@midwest.social 10 months ago
Swervish@lemmynsfw.com 10 months ago
Talk to your mother and go to counseling, or don’t talk to your mother and go to counseling
sorebuttfromsitting@sopuli.xyz 10 months ago
LOL wish I knew, because my mom makes this look silly. it would take three novels to explain. I went down to visit recently, and my sister and aunt were there, bless them, lovely people. Best advice I got is look out for those you care about. If you’re the only one left, then focus on you.
Knusper@feddit.de 10 months ago
Had the same problem with my mum and she did not take my complaints serious in the slightest. Especially with the pandemic, she got so used to just calling me whenever.
I’m not fully convinced this couldn’t be solved in a less nuclear way, especially if you don’t have my mum, but I ended up resolving that issue, along with many others, by moving out.
TheOtterITGuy@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Talk to them and go to counselling if it can’t be solved with a chat
PrinzMegahertz@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Then you should divorce immediately
ChunkMcHorkle@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Depends roughly on how old you are. Take these age ranges with a grain of salt, but:
If you’re young, college age or younger, and still living under her roof, pick your battles but chances are excellent you’ll get up at least some of the time just to preserve the free or discounted rent situation.
If you’re between college age and retirement age, you’ll either work it out with her as a mostly-equal adult OR you’ll go fully passive-aggressive, sit-on-my-ass, you-come-to-me – until you move the fuck out. (Why are you still there, anyway? Setbacks are one thing, but if it looks like a forever thing, take a moment and reconsider your life choices.)
If you’re over retirement age, you’ll hop up like Almighty God herself was calling you, because now your mom is very old and very frail and very forgetful, and you REALLY don’t want to have the cops calling you because they just found her wandering around the intersection in front of the Walmart a couple miles down the road, so you hop off your ass NOW if you even think you hear her call out.
capt_wolf@lemmy.world 10 months ago
As a counselor, there’s very clearly some serious internalizing going on.
OP, you might want to start asking yourself questions like, “Why does it REALLY bother me so much?” No offense, seriously not attacking, but your post raises some concerning flags. Counselling may be a good recommendation, because it seems there’s more going on here than is being told.
GentlemanLoser@ttrpg.network 10 months ago
As a counselor, of course YOU’LL recommend counseling. Which in this case is maybe a good idea, but also, it’s totally normal for spouses to have pet peeves with one another and it doesn’t necessarily indicate an issue in the relationship.
Source: married for 25 years
TheGreenGolem@lemm.ee 10 months ago
Nono, you got it wrong. They need to have counseling AND hopefully a divorce ASAP. OP should also delete Facebook and hit the gym.
anemoia_one@lemmynsfw.com 10 months ago
Oh no, r/RelationshipAdvice has made its way to Lemmy
UlfKirsten@feddit.de 10 months ago
Don’t forget to lawyer up
Erk@cdda.social 10 months ago
Now that we’re free from Reddit’s shackles we should up the ante, we need a new relationship ending mantra. Like “delete your hard drive, hire a mercenary squad, and hit the Instagram filters.”
marcos@lemmy.world 10 months ago
Well, it’s safe to recommend those to anybody. Also drink plenty of liquids, preferably water, and don’t forget to breath.
DogMuffins@discuss.tchncs.de 10 months ago
This… doesn’t sound like something a counsellor would say.
sorebuttfromsitting@sopuli.xyz 10 months ago
kapow, you figured it out
Saraphim@lemmy.world 10 months ago
I think it bothers me on a couple levels. 1- I feel he keeps me in unnecessary suspense and that’s unpleasant. 2- he participates in a lot of behaviours that are self satisfying. If I’m out he will call and ask what time I’ll be home and a thousand other questions no one else would ever ask, just because he was wondering, and he wanted those wonderings satisfied. It can’t wait until I get home, it must be the second he wonders about it. 3-he thinks I have the answers to all questions, and if I don’t know he expects I’ll be the one to find the answer instead of just googling it like a normal person.
I’m annoyed because it’s constant and habitual and anything that repeats that you find mildly annoying 5x a day for 15 years will inevitably become infuriating instead. Imagine if someone just poked you in the side 5x a day for 15 years. It doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t really affect your day. It’s just annoying and pointless. But after a while you’ll just snap and scream “why the fuck are you poking me ! Stop touching me!”
It’s like that.
Thassodar@lemm.ee 10 months ago
Maybe ask him to switch it up? “Come check this out” for something interesting, “Come here” for something he needs help with (broken glass, for example), and “I need you, now” for emergencies.
As far as the “wondering” questions go it seems like part curiosity, part control. My dad used to do it to my mom sometimes (he has super early signs of dementia), but my mom shut it down with: she’s her own person and she’s not going to stop living her life and reporting to him when he gets anxious that she’s not home. It may sound cruel but he’s also not calling/texting randomly when one of her church meetings goes longer than expected. This one is more like setting boundaries for when you want to be autonomous without having to worry about answering him immediately.
Side note: I’m just a musician, not a therapist, so take what I say as you will.
natflow@apollo.town 10 months ago
I’d add a fourth one: when you’ve told him how it makes you feel (and requested he respect you and your time), he’s doubled-down on the disrespect. His shrug just shrugs off all your feelings you were open/vulnerable enough to share like they don’t matter. That’s not okay in a partnership of equals.
The other patterns you mention (like making you fumble through a new game after a long day and calling you a million times to ask minor questions) are the same thing — the initial thing was disrespectful, so you explained that to him, but he hasn’t chosen to see that as a reason to change. That’s a massive red flag.
Also, the weaponized ignorance (ie the refusal to spend the two minutes it would take to figure it out on his own) is another part of the very common pattern happening right now between very many couples. The women are waking up to just how unhealthy their dynamic is with their husbands. In the stories that make it to the internet the men don’t usually change — sometimes a huge life adjustment can shake him out of it but only if he reacts with empathy. Good luck. This is difficult. And you’re not alone.