Comment on Anon is terminally lonely

daggermoon@piefed.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

• WizardofFrobozz@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  It does. Unfortunately, it requires a great deal of honest introspection and tough decisions.

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• SargonOfACAB@slrpnk.net ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  It does.

  I’ve experienced symptoms of depression for as long as I can remember. Over the years I tried a lot of different treatments, medication, therapy, etc. None of it ever worked.

  I lost a lot of jobs and friendships because I simply didn’t have the energy to do the bare minimum. I divorced the love of my life in part because I could see how much my chronic illness was weighing on them.

  I was never suicidal but I’ve frequently wished I was because that at least would provide me with an option to stop the unending apathy.

  There’s never going to be a point in my life when I’m not depressed. I’m gonna have to be very disciplined and work hard to maintain a level of functioning that I consider suboptimal. Mistakes made when trying to judge how much energy something will take or those unavoidable times where you simply need to push yourself more than is comfortable will be setback that could take days or weeks to recover from.

  But I have reached a point in which I’m content a lot more. I have a partner that loves me and they’re great. I’m a more-or-less reliable member of a local anarchist collective and people appreciate me and come to me for advice. They’re respectful of my limitations. I’ve been reading more and trying new hobbies. There’s people who love me and I love them.

  I can look at a sunset and appreciate its beauty. Yesterday I was singing along with some punk rock while driving and kinda enjoyed it. I baked cookies to share with people and I look forward to handing them out. I found an empty snail shell on the street and it was pretty enough to make me smile.

  Is my life amazing? No. Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes. Have I reached the point where I think that work and discipline is worth it more often than not? Definitely.

  The best advice I can give you is to do things anyway. Seek out things that are, at least in theory, fun or enjoyable. If there’s something you’d like to try out but it feels scary or not worth doing, try do it anyway. Look for what makes it easier.

  Imagine the coolest possible future version of yourself. Try to take small steps to move in that direction. For me that was things like painting my nails, going to Pride, joining a protested, learning to wield a sword… For my partner this was dying their hair, going out to party, learning to make fire… However it looks to you: try to do it.

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  • daggermoon@piefed.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

    First off, thank you. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I have been reading more. I never touched a book after high school but recently went back to reading. I love horror and thriller novels. I never thought a book could be scarier than a video game.

    Do I have to work very hard and be very disciplined to achieve what most people seem to have naturally? Yes.

    This was always something I struggled with.

    I sometimes wonder If I had everything I ever wanted would I actually be happy? It’s like Spock said “After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true.” I think I’d still find something to be sad about.

    Painting you nails is cool. I started doing that. I love the complements I’ve been getting. Making fire is fun too.

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    • SargonOfACAB@slrpnk.net ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

      This was always something I struggled with.

      It’s something I still struggle with. I’m getting better at accepting I’m tired almost all the time, but everything else I, much harder to accept.

      I know fairness is irrelevant for this, but it just doesn’t feel right that I have carefully plan my most meaningful activies because I’ll be emotionless for two weeks if I do two protests in one week. Or that a date night could be ruined by an unexpected depressive period.

      I sometimes wonder If I had everything I ever wanted would I actually be happy?

      Happiness isn’t about having things, I think. Of course being in a situation in which you have your needs met helps. Financial security, a partner, housing, food, friends, etc. make it way easier.

      But most of the moments in which I was “happiest” weren’t about “having” or the fulfilment of a specific desire. They were much more about experiencing community and feeling like I had agency.

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• FriskyDingo@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  It does. But you have to put in the work. You have to try.

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• TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Nothing gets better until you make it better.

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• UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Time heals all wounds. But you do have to stop picking at the scabs.

  Get a gf. She says “good morning <3”. You feel like shit, so let her know. “<3 you too. Rough start. Hope your day is going better.” You might be surprised what you get back.

  It’s funny, there was another thread a while back about a girl who meets a guy and clicks. They hook up. She keeps trying to be sweet to him and he ghosts her. So she goes into her own depressive spiral because she assumes she’s the one who isn’t enough.

  Other people have shitty days too. Other people are going through what you’re going through. Other people will understand. Reach out, speak your truth, and if that chemistry you had at the beginning meant anything it’ll mean they’re sympathetic to your plight.

  And then go do some fun shit together. FFS, it’s a nice time to be alive. Get some sun, eat some food, suck in some fresh air, and hold hands. See if that doesn’t put you in a better mood.

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  • daggermoon@piefed.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

    I feel like I don’t have much to offer a woman. I’m in my mid twenties and I can’t drive a car, I have a crappy job, and I still live with my parents. I do want someone I can be honest and authentic with. I feel like what I can bring to a relationship isn’t enough though.

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    • UnderpantsWeevil@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

      I’m in my mid twenties and I can’t drive a car, I have a crappy job, and I still live with my parents.

      Can you hold someone’s hand while they rant about their shitty day? Can you pack a lunch, hail an Uber or find a bus for a day at the park, and rub someone’s feet while you both sit in the sun? Can you carry a tune or tell a joke? Can you show up on time for a date?

      You’d be surprised how many people can’t. Lots of people have shitty jobs in their mid twenties. Lots of people still live with their parents because rent is so obscene. You’re not alone.

      I feel like what I can bring to a relationship isn’t enough though.

      Meet other people. Show them a good time. Let them be the judge. Don’t hang this on yourself beforehand

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      • daggermoon@piefed.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

        I can do all of those things. Have I been over thinking things? I’m told I’m a funny guy, I’m not even trying to be. I just say what i’m thinking and people either love that or hate it. Thank you!

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    • Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

      Can you tell a joke? Treat women respectfully (not in a ‘nice guy’ way, in a general ‘I’m not gonna say fucked up shit to her’)? Hold a conversation? Create a sense of comfort and fun times (fun does not have to cost much, you can get creative)?

      This puts you miles ahead of some other guys with the right women. As a recently single guy, tentatively being open and flirty while watching the behaviours of others for comparison/research purposes, there’s some real assholes out there, and apparently that’s a pretty common experience for single women. The bar doesn’t seem all that high these days

      One thing I will say is that the aspects of your life that seem like liabilities in this post are changeable (with varying levels of effort), if you want to. Learning to drive is likely the lowest hanging fruit, which also gives you more freedom to try and improve the job situation and from there change your living situation.

      It can get better homie. Just one foot in front of the other, in the direction you want to go.

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    • captainlezbian@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

      Would you want a woman who’s similar to you in what you can offer? If so, look for one. If not, wait. Regardless, work to resolve your sources of insecurity. Your crappy job is probably why you still live with your parents and times are tough, but pursue employment that allows for more independence. If a car is necessary and you can learn, start trying to learn. If not, develop comfort with your alternative transit options or look into trying to find a way to move somewhere where transit works for you. If none of that is possible, develop skills you think would make you a desirable partner. What do you want to offer?

      It’s so easy to find ourselves stuck in a hole in our lives and not understand that many of our problems are solvable. At the very least we can chip away at them.

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• taygaloocat@leminal.space ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  28 year old here, depressed since 14, nearly kms at 18 and then stayed suicidal till 26.

  It do get better. I got a job, bought a house, got a gf, started practicing hobbies, socializing more and working on self discipline (But not self degradation)

  Now instead of being consistently 2-3/10 I’m about 5.5/10. Still not a full blown optimist but I don’t want to die anymore.

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• FatVegan@leminal.space ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  So… Depends. My whole life was just either being alone or in short relationships, one night stands and just fwb. I was quite happy with that, because i knew that i would lose interest almost immediately. I always felt bad for it, because it sucks, especially if the other person doesn’t feel that way. Thanks to tinder and other shitty dating apps, it wasn’t that big of a deal, because it’s easier to find someone and communicate expectations and so on. I was convinced that i’ll never have a “real” girlfriend. I was even convinced that love isn’t real. I have never told a girl or woman that i love them, i thought other people would just fake love, because they found someone they like and rather have that than being alone.

  So now, almost 6 months ago, i met this woman on tinder. She wasn’t looking for anything serious, and neither was i. We hit it off immediately and we met up shortly after. I wasn’t sure if she liked me, but she was really nice and funny and just absolutely stunning, and way too smart for me. But we met again and again. When we met for the third time, we were in bed and we talked for hours, and i asked her if she knew that i loved her. And she said she loves me too. She told me how she was never truly happy with anyone, and was always rather alone. But she loves me, and always wants to spend time with me. And i feel the same way. She’s the first person i have ever met that i want to spend as much time with as i can. We plan on getting married, which if someone told me that 6 months ago, i would literally point and laugh at them for hours. The mere thought of getting married was bizarre to me, unthinkable. Only idiots do that. But here we are now.

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• Madzielle@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  For me it did

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• vrek@programming.dev ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Honestly? It depends. You can make it better, if you try or make it worse if you don’t. This sounds like they were not “lonely” that was just something they could blame it on.

  Go do something. It doesn’t really matter what. Exercise, join a rpg group, join a maker space, move to a new city, change jobs, join a group about off roading. It doesn’t matter, learn to cook, learn to bake. Just do something.

  Laying in bed or staring at a monitor/TV won’t help. Most people will get into a mental loop of how they are bad because they don’t have any real comparisons of real people. You may make mistakes but you will see other people make mistakes too.

  Regarding relationships I love the quote from Jimmy Carr (yes he has dark humor and often is offensive) “don’t think what you can get, think what you can provide”.

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• captainlezbian@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Yeah, but you gotta make it better. Develop goals and consistently work towards them. If life feels easy you’re stagnating. If it’s only hard because it sucks, you’re stagnating. You should feel like you’re pushing and exerting more than you want. That’s not to say not resting, more understanding that it’s really easy to feel you need to spend all time not dedicated to mandatory things needs spent on rest, and that just easily becomes years of stagnating on the couch.

  Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that’s the hard part. But it does get easier. - Jogging Baboon from BoJack Horseman

  So goals. Do you feel lonely? Start looking for community and building social skills. I know I know nobody knows how to people. It’s hard to learn. You’re going to fuck up. Do it anyways. It gets easier, because you get better. And actually assess your failures and try to learn from them. You’re building social skills like a muscle, but you’re also learning them like a skill. Have small talk with strangers and coworkers, smile at new people. But there’s no community! Have you looked? Look for things you’re interested in. Board game nights are a goat for this if they interest you. You’re sitting there chatting with new people and have something to focus on and talk about that isn’t sensitive. Ttrpgs are also great. But any hobby will do. And you don’t have to be skilled, you can just show up and say you’re new to the thing. But if you can’t find any you can start one. Put up flyers. Tell people nearby. You can just start shit. I ran an organization for over a year because I wanted it to exist in the area and it didn’t so I just started holding meetings at a bar. (And yeah be prepared for people to not show up, that’s ok, it takes time and you may not have properly gotten the word out, ask around)

  Ok but what if you want your mental health to be better? Look into treatments for your issues. I have anxiety and cptsd. I got meds for the anxiety, but they were only part of the solution, because it wasn’t just physical (it’s also physical). I’d also developed unhealthy thought patterns. Learning to meditate and learning CBT techniques helped with both these issues. My wife likes acceptance therapy for her anxiety. I found that when I understand what the worst realistic scenario is for a situation I can work to cope with it and build a plan to resolve the situation rather than spiral into a panic attack and self harm about it. Regular exercise is also vital.

  So yeah, it took a lot of work to go from a terrified and lonely closeted 19 year old who was at risk of failing out of college, was engaged in very disordered habits of all sorts, lived in filth, was deeply uncomfortable going to a grocery store much less a social event, and just generally was a wreck who went weeks without talking to people, to a 30 something married woman who still has plenty of issues, but they’re largely under control, whose household is generally doing ok, who doesn’t have panic attacks anymore, nor does she go 1 night a month too anxious to sleep (actually the insomnia is totally gone), and who was able to move across her country to a place she’d never been and only had one friend and within a year has a community and friends completely separate from the friend she already had (as well as integrating into that friend’s local friends). If a loser like I once was can do it, I believe that most people can too.

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• drunkpostdisaster@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Nope.

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• balian@lemmy.libertarianfellowship.org ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Yes it does, but you need to want that first. Many people turn their misery into a comfort zone and refuse to move out of it.

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• frostysauce@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  Middle aged here. It does not.

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• PhoenixDog@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

  I was jumping between relationships all through my 20s and was never happy. I decided to just stop and take care of myself for nearly two years. Moved out and on my own. Still took my time and found someone. Got engaged and with her for four years. We naturally split up as our personal paths were going in different directions.

  I’m now married to someone else in a poly relationship, and I have two girlfriends as well as my married partner and I couldn’t be happier.

  If you told me 12 years ago I’d have three long term relationships, I’d have punched myself for getting my hopes up.

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