Need a new gig? Looking for a job with good pay and benefits that’s easy to get? Don’t need employment for more than a few months? Well ICE is hiring! And they’re so desperate for people that their standards have been lowered all the way to the seventh circle of Hell.

So throw in an application and sign up for ICE. Then proceed to be the most incompetent agent in ICE’s history. Show up late. Show up high. Arrive to raids late and out of uniform. Brad about your upcoming raids on social media. Just generally be the most unproductive, unhelpful, and incompetent ICE employee in history. Write elaborate equipment check lists and spend hours triple checking your load out before any raid. Be a net drain on the system. Have your incompetence be so great that your very presence actually zeros out the work of at least two other people. Become a black hole of unproductivity that drains the effectiveness and morale of everyone around you. Be the Colin Robinson of ICE!

They’re so desperate for people right now, that they’ll be extremely reluctant to fire you as long as you don’t go full direct insubordination. If you refuse to follow orders, you’ll get fired. If you’re just colossally incompetent at carrying those orders out, you should get at least a few months of employment before they finally let you go.

“Oops, sorry boss, I was going to the bathroom during that last raid, didn’t see anything. Shouldn’t have had that burrito last night.”

“Oops, I’m so clumsy. I left the door to the van open, and all the migrants we caught got away. Again!”

“What do you mean I can’t refer to my coworkers by name when we’re all masked up. That’s just impolite!”

“Look, I thought I had the right address. How was I to know that address was actually the local Republican Party campaign office?”