I don’t think the divorce part isthe point of the meme…
Comment on I've heard it clears up again after the first wave of divorces
frickineh@lemmy.world 5 weeks agoNo kidding. I’m apparently the only person who has ever had an amicable divorce where we just realized we weren’t compatible and never felt the need to bash each other. The post-divorce crowd can be pretty dire. They should mandate a certain number of therapy sessions before you can sign up for a dating app.
Kecessa@sh.itjust.works 5 weeks ago
frickineh@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
Yes but the post title is what I was responding to.
Ilovemyirishtemper@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
Dude, I hear that loud and f-ing clear. I’m also someone who left a marriage without any real hate toward my ex. We were chill during the marriage and afterward. No cheating; no drama.
So when I re-entered the dating world a decade after I had previously been in it, I did not expect the amount of bitter dudes I’ve since come across. If your profile starts with you saying you won’t tolerate a woman who does ______., I’m more concerned about how damaged you are from your previous relationship than I am about whether or not we would be a good match.
kinkles@sh.itjust.works 5 weeks ago
I had one too. My ex and I are on great terms. It makes for some fun moments when we can joke about our divorce and make people uncomfortable.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
what i don’t get is why people married people they knew were awful people, or awful for them.
anytime someone lies, cheats, or steals from me (or shows any disrespect, like verbal/physical abuse) i dump their ass.
RBWells@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
My ex was a chill stoner with a good work ethic when we got together and we had many good years, then he lost job after job, stopped looking, got radicalized reading Stormfront, then eventually physically abusive. I could not convince him to seek help, since he got so paranoid.
People change, sometimes you change in opposing directions.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
that isn’t change, that’s failure to take responsibility for yourself.
RBWells@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
Well it was a change, but I don’t disagree. Instead of trying, he just looked for someone to blame. It’s not like there aren’t external forces but our own actions and thoughts are what we can control, and can make a big difference. He’s doing better now, too late for us but he’s working, paid child support, stopped drinking, still a racist fuck but realized he was his biggest problem and did work on himself.
peopleproblems@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
From what I’ve learned, it has a lot to do with attachment styles.
My ex is avoidant, with some pretty narcissistic traits (love bombing, then refusal to even hug because it’s too much).
I was/am anxious, or as the couples counselor told me “clingy.”
In our one-on-ones, she summarized up a book we had been assigned (which my ex didn’t read lol) that it was a statistic thing. 50% of people are secure style - they meet, and tend to stay together cause it just works. ~25% are anxious, and they do ok together and work fine with secure. ~25% are avoidant, and unfortunately, unless they work towards secure attachments, are pretty much always in and out of relationships. There’s a small amount of “disorganized” that has both insecure styles, but they tend towards secure over time.
The result is that the older you get, the dating pool shrinks. There will always been avoidant people available though. Secure style people are great at recognizing avoidant and typically don’t put up with their bullshit for long. Anxious attachment though end up with avoidants and it becomes a terrible thing, the anxious will do anything to stay, causing the avoidant to do things out of the relationship more.
If you could guess one common thing amongst avoidants that finally ends the relationship, what would it be? If you said cheating, you’d be completely right. It’s really hard to end amicably after that.
MutilationWave@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
Incels are on the rise, both genders. Where do they fit it your 100%? We’re seeing the birth of hikkikomori culture.
peopleproblems@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
If I had to guess based on my understanding of attachment theory, it could be the anxious attachment, the avoidant, or the disorganized (which has traits of both, and is rare). In any case it’s clearly the insecure attachment styles.
Based on the “incel” description itself though, I don’t think you have enough information to guess either. An individual hokkikomori is clearly more avoidant than anything though, as they don’t seek or hold relationships with others as valuable.
MutilationWave@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
Holy shit go live your life. You’re not a cell on a spreadsheet about attachment theory.
Preflight_Tomato@lemm.ee 5 weeks ago
What was the book?
blanketswithsmallpox@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down.
peopleproblems@lemmy.world 5 weeks ago
“Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller