Comment on Anon questions the epidemic
frostedtrailblazer@lemmy.zip 3 weeks agoYou need to find a trail hiking group. You don’t need to change hobbies it sounds like. Try organizing a hike in your area and invite people to come along if you can’t find any. You’ll meet people quickly doing that.
If they hold eye contact with you in a friendly way then try saying hi and just chatting to get to know them a little and what they’re out and about for.
written by somebody who has absolutely zero real-life experience. if you do that, women will say that you can’t just let people “be nice” and have to take everything up as a flirting opportunity.
written by somebody who has absolutely zero real-life experience.
Make up whatever reality suits you about me man.
if you do that, women will say that you can’t just let people “be nice” and have to take everything up as a flirting opportunity.
You don’t have to flirt with everyone making eye contact with you. Intention is what matters, intending just to flirt doesn’t usually come across as you being genuinely interested in them as an individual.
If someone holds eye contact with you in a friendly way in a store, saying hi to them will probably make them feel better more often than not. Asking them about why they’re out and about gives them room to talk and choose if they want to carry a conversation with you. If they want to keep the conversation going, they certainly might and possibly even bounce it back by asking what’s got you out and about.
You have to remember body language matters a lot for in person conversations as well. So if they’re looking at their phone or looking around like they want out of the conversation then definitely take that as a sign to let it go. Tempered body language of your own can convey a lot on its own as well. Such as not coming across as too desperate for their attention.
this is complete nonsense.
What’s nonsense about it? Tell me what specific parts of what I said are nonsense to you? I took the time to write out a thoughtful reply to the other person, you can do the same here.
because you think it’s the 1950s, your advice is boomer level ‘go to a their office and shake their hand and you will get a job’.
No, that’s not how anything works in 2020s. They will call the cops on you and ask you to leave.
My advice would be to give up and enjoy life because dating and mating is systematically fucked due to social media addiction. And the numbers around it mean you have a < 10% chance of someone who isn’t social media brain-fucked, and all the stats on the issue are insane and unreasonable and that’s why everyone is so unhappy.
Not my job to fix anyone else, nor my job to work like a dog to ‘appeal’ to people who expect the ‘average’ guy to by over 6’ and make 2x median wage. Let them be miserable. I’d rather be alone and invest in myself and be happy, which I have been doing for 8 years and it’s fucking awesome. Image spending your money on shit you enjoy rather than spending it on dating where it goes down a blackhole of someone else’s insatiable greed and self-imposed misery?
But you can’t convince horny young dudes that getting laid will solve all their problems, and more than you can convince single women that a rich handsome guy will solve all theirs. They have to make the choice themselves to be happy now rather than endlessly daydreaming about some ideal future that won’t ever come.
because you think it’s the 1950s, your advice is boomer level ‘go to a their office and shake their hand and you will get a job’.
Some things change, some things remain the same. In person interactions haven’t changed that much.
Also, my advice was tailored specific to the person I was talking to. He said he did hiking, my advice went off the fact he has no problem going out in public places already as a hobby. That’s huge compared to many people online that will say they go out, but really just go to work, the gym, do grocery pick-up, and go home and get surprised when they don’t meet women when their day to day doesn’t even put them near anyone.
No, that’s not how anything works in 2020s. They will call the cops on you and ask you to leave.
Making eye contact with someone in the grocery store will get the cops called on you? That’s not gonna happen in a hiking group like in the example I first gave. Really though, no one is calling the cops on you for making eye contact. Staring at people? Yeah that’s weird. But mutual eye contact isn’t staring.
Women are much more friendly than you’re giving them credit for here. If you’re anxious or nervous around a woman, and she personally struggles with anxiety or nervousness then you will trigger that in her. I know this because I was anxious and nervous since about not coming across as weird, which just made the woman I interacted with uncomfortable since I was not comfortable around them. It clicked for me that I was the problem when I encountered a few women that didn’t have those anxiety issues but I still did.
So if you can work on your anxiety revolving around being around women, then that makes it significantly easier to interact with them. To need to know that you have good intentions and trust that they will see that, because the ones you would want to know will see that.
My advice would be to give up and enjoy life because dating and mating is systematically fucked due to social media addiction. And the numbers around it mean you have a < 10% chance of someone who isn’t social media brain-fucked, and all the stats on the issue are insane and unreasonable and that’s why everyone is so unhappy.
I would venture to say the amount of people that are not terminally on/affect by social media is significantly higher than 10% of people. I would put that number closer to 40%. Depending on the area you live it could be higher or lower, time of day depending as well. If you genuinely go walking around your local town you’ll notice a lot of people that are not just holed up all day absorbing the rot of social media that seeks to prey on our emotions.
Not my job to fix anyone else
It’s not. But is it your job to shoot down actionable advice without offering an alternative then? Let them try and fail or succeed.
nor my job to work like a dog to ‘appeal’ to people who expect the ‘average’ guy to by over 6’ and make 2x median wage
Height and wages do not matter when it comes to finding your ideal partner. Would you want to be with someone that thinks less of you for your height or how much you make? You probably wouldn’t, therefore those kinds of people were never a good match for you and they did you a service by filtering themselves out of your dating pool.
You don’t need to be a certain height or making a certain amount of money to be attractive to your ideal matches. Your ideal matches would like you at your height whatever it is and for whatever you make. That might not be a ton of people, but if it’s even 1% of the population that could be an ideal match, then that’s could be as many as 100 people in a town of 10,000. So, you just need to encounter just one of these 100 people near you. The real odds may be much higher than 1% as well, maybe 5-10% of the local population could be a great match for instance. Therefore, your best bet is to be out in a space where you could encounter one of these ideal matches.
Let them be miserable. I’d rather be alone and invest in myself and be happy, which I have been doing for 8 years and it’s fucking awesome. Image spending your money on shit you enjoy rather than spending it on dating where it goes down a blackhole of someone else’s insatiable greed and self-imposed misery?
Who’s to say they’ll be miserable? They could find an ideal match and live their happily ever after. That’s great that you are happy as you are, but not everyone would want to follow the same path as you. I think more guys should put themselves in a space to be their best selves when they are dating, as their struggles will not be automatically fixed just by being in a relationship.
Why would a guy not be enjoying himself while on a date? That doesn’t sound like a waste of money to me. Maybe if it’s a date where there’s no connection, but at that point you’re just paying for the nice meal that you had.
You can choose to date people with tempered wants. I don’t think there’s an inherent issue with dreaming for better, so long as neither of you are constantly dipping into debt to have a lifestyle that’s unaffordable. I’m not sure where self-imposed misery is coming from here, unless you mean that the other person has not been worked through issues of their own. I think most wants are normal; both men and women can succumb to greed though as with any vice if not tempered.
But you can’t convince horny young dudes that getting laid will solve all their problems, and more than you can convince single women that a rich handsome guy will solve all theirs. They have to make the choice themselves to be happy now rather than endlessly daydreaming about some ideal future that won’t ever come.
Treating people as a means to an end, rather than an end in and of themselves is something that tempered souls will avoid. Happiness is something that isn’t entirely dependent on others, but can be amplified by them. Rather than daydreaming, people should be working on themselves to be in a space that gives others room to enter.
ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
I’m down, but where? That whole “not doing social media” thing means no Facebook, where all those local hiking groups would be organizing, or where I’d have to post if I were the organizer (and organizing a meeting then trying to meet a woman there feels sketchy, anyway).
Yeah honestly that isn’t my issue, once I get my foot in the door I’m good, but all the doors are locked and I can’t find my pick, the issue is starting that conversation to begin with.
Fair enough, this is basically a more succinct and less explicit version of my final conclusion lol. That’s kinda the plan, but most women I talk to (irl or online) seem to indicate that is socially unacceptable now too.
Which actually probably helps the bar being on the floor btw, all the guys afraid of making women uncomfortable and being creepy are not approaching them because they complained and we listened, now the only guys approaching women in public are the ones who don’t care about creeping them out, because they didn’t listen. I’m not saying that’s the whole problem but it has to be some %.
frostedtrailblazer@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
There might be public postings already out there listed at a local community college, community center, or city website for public events near you. If you post a meet up, do so with the intent of just bringing people to together and having fun, doing so with just intent of meeting women should come second. If you meet people that you vibe with then for sure invite them to more hikes or other shared activities.
Hosting Partifuls could help a lot to get things off the ground as well. My friend does those all of the time even for the most mundane things and lots of friends and acquaintances will show up and bring friends along.
For getting your foot in the door, it’s a lot of putting yourself in the right spaces to meet people. If you don’t have an issue actually connecting, then that’s a great start. I’d advise trying friend finding apps too since the pressure is offloaded on those compared to strictly dating apps. Lots of women want to find guys they could at least be friends with first before committing to dating. You remove a lot of the barriers of pressure when meeting up doesn’t have to be a date, but can be if you both are connecting. ———
I feel where you go matters, what time you go matters, and not forcing the interaction matters for this. If you go to a woman dominated space and are confident and cool headed about it, just that and being dressed the part for being there could have you being checked out by women. Probably less a bookstore, more a ‘healthy’ lunch spot or outdoor/indoor mall. After their first coffee and before lunch? You’re golden. Specifically during/after lunch? Golden. After dinner? Generally fine.
You gotta believe and know that you’re coming with pure intentions; if you get caught up in the anxiety of not trying to look weird/creepy it’ll just come off that way instead imo. Out in the world, woman are way more chill than online makes women out to be. There are certainly a number of women that are reasonably wary, due to weirdos with no respect boundaries, but if you look, act, and are friendly then you definitely will meet woman that have been looking for someone like that.
UnequalExchange@lemmy.world 3 weeks ago
You also gotta pre-emptively accept the possibility that youll NEVER meet friends or a partner who wants to be associated with you despite your best efforts. It is a possibility and there is nothing wrong with you if that happens to you and youre a kind, quiet , peaceful person. It is what it is
Human-Human relationships are sort of an ‘It Is Whatt It Is’ Type Of Affair these days. You can do everything kindly and to your best efforts to meet other like-minded people …and everyone can still not want to be your friend or lover. You can be worst than Adolph Shiter or Suharto and be surrounded with a million admirers and fake friends. It is what it is.
'Sadly it is what it is BUT At least you tried ’ is how I see it nowadays. 🤷🏿♂️
Best of wishes to you and everyone else who is lonely out here. Best of wishes on the journey comrade.🫂🫡
frostedtrailblazer@lemmy.zip 3 weeks ago
I don’t believe that you need to accept a reality where you’ll never meet friends or a partner that want to be associated with you. By definition alone I would even say they are not friends and that is not a partner. Real people that would accept you as you are - are out there.
Even on the basis of probability, if only 1% of the people in this world were like that, that’s still at least 80,000,000 of people out there. Let’s say you just cared about that 1% of people in your local area - that’s still 100 people in a town of 10,000. And that’s just off a worst case scenario, the real odds would be much greater than 1% of people.
Many people like to play safe bets in life. They know that the people they know already have been at least decent to them, so you have a bit of a higher hurdle when meeting new people or breaking the mould. Even one new friend opens up many potential doors since you’re no longer perceived as a complete unknown, you have someone that vouches for you.
When you move to a new city or are starting fresh, generally that’s when you have the hardest time finding people since you’re leaving your existing social safety net. Sometimes, it can help a lot if you have family or friends from back home that could try to introduce you to some people in your new area.
Genuinely, there are some places that would be more difficult to make friends if your hobbies aren’t so common in that area.
Imo, it’s better to live a life surrounded by a few people of high quality than just trying to impress people that don’t care about you and your wellbeing.
Avoiding burn out in the struggle to find your found family makes sense, but I encourage you to not let your wings dampen before you have the chance to soar either - lest you live with regrets. I encourage you to take breaks when things don’t work out, but keep searching for people that value you.
I wish you the best on your journey ahead. Don’t be afraid to change things up if circumstances allow, truly sometimes you can find another version of the life you want to live in another place. I’m just here to pass along some advice since I’ve been down these roads before. 🫂
wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 3 weeks ago
Absolutely correct. I’ve been pointing this out for years and people gaslight me about it and act like I’m the problem for calling attention to it, but it absolutely is a real phenomenon.