I wish I could be that picky lol, if I had to feel safe, understood, and appreciated I’d still be a virgin lmao. If I ever told a woman “no I want to feel safe, understood, and appreciated” I’d be called an incel. At best she’d get the ick and ghost me, at the most generous interpretation because “if I need that from her how am I going to provide it to her” (but I honestly think it’s because desiring “safety and understanding” isn’t “manly” and “appreciation” “what do you mean…patriarchy…women are the ones who aren’t appreciated…yadda yadda.” Sort of the same deal as the classic “I want a sensitive man who cries” and then the second you do she loses any semblance of respect for you as a person.)
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shawn1122@sh.itjust.works 1 day agoIt is not always the mans fault but men don’t have the same needs when it comes to maintaining a long term sexual relationship.
Women generally need to feel a sense of emotional security, trust and connection for a long term relationship to thrive, especially in the bedroom. Men would like this too, but they don’t necessarily need it to continue a sexual relationship.
Unfortunately in many (perhaps most) relationships women do feel that a disproportionate share of household and childcare duties fall on them, which erodes at those core foundations of a healthy long term relationship.
Is it all on men to work this out? No. But if they want to take an active approach to maintaining the health of their relationship, meeting their partners emotional needs has the highest likelihood is doing that and keeping the bedroom alive.
ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 16 hours ago
shawn1122@sh.itjust.works 14 hours ago
I hear what you’re saying but I’d say that not all women are like that and these conversations are really meant for someone you’re prepared to have a deep commitment with, not necessarily early on in a relationship. There are a ton of toxic attachment patterns and cultural norms on our society that are challenging to navigate but those tend to matter less as a relationship evolves into a long term one.
wizardbeard@lemmy.dbzer0.com 16 hours ago
I think your point about differing needs is really the core of all of the friction. At least when we’re not talking about the worthless kind of husband demanding shit and not actually being present etc.
I can only speak for myself, but the presence or lack of physical intimacy has a massive effect on whether or not I feel: valued, appreciated, or desired in a relationship. Lack makes me start thinking things like “Am I your partner, or just the provider^tm^? Do you actually want me around when I’m not providing value, doing things for you? Is this a job or a relationship? Are you no longer attracted to me? Do you even really want to be near me, spend time with me?”
And note I keep using the phrase “physical intimacy”. I’m not a prude, if I meant sex I’d say it directly. That’s part, but not all of it.
When we potato on the couch, has it literally been months since my partner sat next to or leaned on me? Are they literally sitting on the opposite side, as far as they can possibly get away? Ok, is it a “I don’t feel safe” thing? No, they’ll sit with me when I ask, or when I go to them, but never of their own accord.
Stuff like that builds up over time, and personally, when I talk about stuff like this I’m talking patterns of behaviour over years, not “wah wah I couldn’t get the nookie when she was trying to figure out how to get a newborn to sleep through the night”.
So it’s infuriating when the horde comes out to insist the only reason there could possibly be problems is if the guy is a shitpile, and that there’s always layers upon layers for why it’s never okay for a man to feel anything about a lack of physical intimacy. For fucks sake I do my part, I do everything I can to meet her emotional and other needs. Am I not allowed to feel like I’m being treated as a roommate rather than a partner? Am I not allowed to feel like I’m not desired? What about my own emotional needs? No, because so many shitpile men exist I guess.
shawn1122@sh.itjust.works 14 hours ago
I get where you’re coming through and I’ve personally gone through many of the feelings you’re describing. As men we sometimes feel that physical intimacy is how our partners communicate to us our ‘value’ in a way. Some of that is toxic cultural norms but there is also just fundamental differences in how intimacy is perceived between men and women in long term relationships.
As you’ve aptly stated, the difference is men often feel that sex is part of how they are made to feel appreciated and valued while, in my opinion, women need to feel validated, appreciated and valued emotionally as a foundation upon which a desire for physical intimacy arises.
I am by no means diminishing the experience of men or trying to say its all on them. I have literally posed the questions that youve posed to the women in my life and while they understood where I was coming from it never fixed the rift. Only after I took the initiave to take interest in and prioritize their emotional security and trust in me did the dynamic change from a diminishing interest in intimacy and rare or infrequent initiation to the opposite of that.
I’m just speaking on my own experience, particularly regarding long term relationships. Hopefully it means something to someone out there.