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TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨17⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

Super rude on her part, but it’s also extremely intrusive, rude, and weird to walk up to a total stranger you’ve never even talked to and ask her to dinner solely because you’ve been overhearing her complain to her friends about being single. I’m not saying it can’t work if you’re physically like an 8–10/10, but that’s effectively all she has to go on besides this obviously weird thing you’re doing.

“I’m not desperate” could totally be referring to what he did rather than how he looks.

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NaibofTabr@infosec.pub ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Um, this is the point of going on a date? To get to know someone new? She shouldn’t need anything else to go on?

How else do you get a date with someone, if not by asking them?

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- TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  The point of going on a date is getting to know somebody better because you’re interested in them. Why on Earth would this woman be interested in this weirdo who she knows nothing about except, at most, that he sat alone at a bar for three hours straight, listened to her conversation, and interrupted her to ask her to dinner on the premise that she needs saving from being single specifically by him?
  
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  - a4ng3l@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Haaaaa the new generations… ya know once upon a times this was standard procedure right? Not so long ago even. Sometimes you didn’t even talk before furiously kissing someone on the dance floor and discussions came waaaaaay later on if they ever came.
    
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    protist@mander.xyz ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    This still happens, but you also still need to be suave about it, which anon was not.
    
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    Alabaster_Mango@lemmy.ca ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    You get the difference though, right? Like, it’s one thing if you’re going out to a place known for mingling and you hook up with someone. It is a completely different thing if you’re at a place to hang out with friends and a complete stranger saunters up to say he’s been eavesdropping on you.
    
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- kuhli@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Stories like this are presented from the POV of the guy, even from that perspective it’s not ‘good’, at best it’s just not ‘bad’
  
  There’s nothing wrong with asking but also like don’t just drop it out of nowhere.
  
  Even if the vibes are right, you can’t just walk up to someone, say ‘wanna date?’ and get good results. That’s especially true if you open by saying you were evesdropping.
  
  Chat with someone for a bit, see if you click before asking them on a date. Even just buy them a drink and give them the option to approach you.
  
  She was a massive dick, but that doesn’t mean he handled the situation well.
  
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sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Nah.

Rude?

On the guy’s part?

No, not at all.

Done pretty clumsily, awkwardly?

Sure.

But, assuming OP actually said what they said they said, that’s not impolite, that’s not rude.

Its not insulting.

It makes literally no difference at all that the guy was sitting in the bar listening to her talk to her friends for 3 hours before he worked up the nerve to attempt to ask her out.

What if he had… just walked in and did this?

Or… been at the table nearby for 30 minutes?

Or was playing Pool for an hour near the table?

None of those things factors in to how rude or not his actions toward her were.

Also… what world are you living in where talking to someone you haven’t previously met, in a bar, is a social faux pas?

The… whole point of going to a place with a bunch of people drinking is to be at a place with a bunch of people drinking.

I met new people at bars all the time back in my college days, made a lot of friends that way, sometimes a bit more than friends.

This is like, how society worked for at least a hundred years, basically before the invention of TikTok/Instagram.

I am honestly baffled by your stance here.

This isn’t a sit down restaurant.

Its a bar. A pub.

Like sure, barging into an ongoing conversation and inserting yourself into it does require some tact, skill, and ability to just bounce off if its clear your presence is not appreciated.

But her level of cruelty was far, far more rude than anything this socially anxious guy did.

I was the guy who apparently was in your 8 to 10 range, as I’d do basically this, though a bit more smoothly, and sometimes it would work.

Sometimes you get a soft, polite no, and that’s totally fine.

Sometimes, you get a hard no, a vicious no, like this one.

And that stings.

This guy, OP? His entire world is hard nos, every time he tries.

He is literally despairing over this, and you call him rude.

This is the kind of mindset that you have, that led to the proliferation of the saying and concept ‘Bros before Hoes’.

That doesn’t mean all women are hoes.

It means guys with pretty privilege wingman for their bros without it, and help their bros recover from brutal rejections like this one.

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- Ibuthyr@feddit.org ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Thanks for typing it out! Half of the people here apparently have never dated or had fun the old way, without apps. In fact, it’s downright sad to see that basic human interaction is dying out. These skills that everyone kind of had to learn in the past transfer to day to day life. Many younger people are just not pleasant to be around in the office because they have zero social skills.
  
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  - sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    The wild part is that I’m not even 40 yet.
    
    And, I am literally autistic, struggled with socializing a fair bit in middle and high school, and then forced myself to learn social skills in college, in part through going to bars and learning how to be a wingman and such.
    
    Like… what I have described is the 101 stuff, lol.
    
    Maybe I’m just… too good at masking, or something? I dunno anymore.
    
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- jj4211@lemmy.world ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I think it’s not so much that he approached a stranger or even that he overheard the conversation, but using his overhearing of the conversation as the whole pretense of asking her out.
  
  “I heard you talking about how you need a date so here I am”
  
  The problems are:
  
  While you don’t expect privacy, it is still kind of weird for someone to explicitly mention that they were an unintended participant to the conversation. It amps up the awkwardness which is the last thing you want if you are trying to make someone comfortable. She may very well be explicitly aware that her conversation was overheard, but it’s something that can be put aside, except it was explicitly brought up.
  
  Further, the rationale makes it sound like he thinks she is doing her a favor. The takeaway is not “you seem interesting/attractive and I’d like to get to know you” it seems more like “you seem like you are in need and I could do you a favor by taking you out”. That takeaway is going to feel like the offer makes her just seem more pathetic, like a “pity date”. Particularly in front of her friends, any whiff of a “pity date” will trigger being defensive.
  
  Of course the story is probably all a fabrication, but taking it at face value I certainly see how it is ‘off’.
  
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  - sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨hour⁩ ago
    Yep, his tactics were not on point, gave major creepo vibes.
    
    I fully understand that it was cringe, poorly executed, poorly worded, conveyed desperation and pathetic…ness.
    
    That just directly saying “So I overheard your conversation…” is nearly 100% guaranteed to creep somebody out.
    
    But he did not insult her.
    
    He did nothing threatening.
    
    He didn’t single her out, didn’t use the crowd traffic to pin her, didn’t just literally grab her, didn’t “accidentally” get her surrounded by all his other dude bro friends in a crowd.
    
    I’ve seen dudes do all kindsa shit like that.
    
    That’s rude, that’s threatening.
    
    This guy literally ran away and cried.
    
    On the reverse of that… I myself have been approached by women with equally terrible opening lines and surrounding contexts/situations, conveying desperation being… agonizingly awkward.
    
    Every one of them that I declined, I politely declined, trying to soothe the rejection with some kind of compliment on the way out.
    
    Only time I ever felt threatened or that they were being rude was when when they would not take no for an answer, when they insulted me after I tried to turn them down gently, and/or they literally grabbed me or tried to physically pin me in some way.
    
    This woman was needlessly cruel.
    
    Further, you’re just making up headcanon that he viewed this as a better deal for her, that he was showing some kind of pity to her by approaching.
    
    There’s nothing in the text that indicates that’s what he was thinking. Literally nothing.
    
    That’s your fancanon, your projection, your invention.
    
    All he does is say “I heard a woman say she wwas looking for a partner. So I tried to ask her out on a date.”
    
    In fact, what he does say about his mindset indicates the opposite.
    
    It took him 3 hours to work up the nerve, to try to generate the confidence to approach her.
    
    He sat there agonizing about whether or not this would end in disaster for 3 hours, before he tried to pull the trigger.
    
    And sure, yes, we’re this story at face value, could be bullshit or very skewed.
    
    … But I was once this guy.
    
    I mean, younger than these two, but oh lordy were some of my high school, and even early college attempts at flirting cringeworthy, still haunt me to this day.
    
    I just managed to keep trying, and find success as I found my confidence and my own more true sense of personality and style, if that makes any sense.
    
    Beyond that, I’ve wingmanned for guys pretty much just like this guy.
    
    This is an entirely plausible story; its not just plausible, its quite common.
    
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    jj4211@lemmy.world ⁨44⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago
    
    There’s nothing in the text that indicates that’s what he was thinking.
    
    She isn’t a telepath, it’s not about what he was thinking, it’s a risk of how it may be perceived. Taking offense/getting defensive is not about what was intended, but how it was taken. So if she, even incorrectly, thought there was a ‘pity date’ being offered she might have been overly mean in her reaction.
    
    It’s not about judging, it’s about feedback and offering an outside perspective on facets that could be done better next time. Even if you are thinking this should be a good opportunity for both of you because of her stated problems, don’t bring it up explicitly. It’s clearly something she is likely to be touchy about.
    
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- TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  
  Also… what world are you living in where talking to someone you haven’t previously met, in a bar, is a social faux pas?
  
  It’s not inherently. That’s why the sentence had more words than just the ones about being strangers. I expect you to know how to read sentences given your comment is a fucking wall of them.
  
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  - sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Try reading all of them.
    
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    treesapx@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    If your first lines are that ignorant it’s not worth going through the rest. It’s weird and creepy to just eavesdrop like that for hours then brazenly jump into their conversation to drop a pickup line.
    
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calcopiritus@lemmy.world ⁨16⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Talking to a stranger is extremely rude?

How are you supposed to find a partner if you’re not allowed to talk to strangers?

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- TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨15⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  No, walking up to and interrupting a group at a bar after listening to them for three hours, telling them you’ve been listening, then asking one of them to dinner next week like they need saving by you is extremely rude. No one’s saying you aren’t allowed to talk to strangers; you just shouldn’t be this goddamn weird and intrusive about it.
  
  “How are you supposed to find a partner?”
  
  Get to know the strangers first in a capacity whose end goal isn’t a date, then ask them out when you know them somewhat? Or ask a stranger out at a place and in a context where it’s expected they might be open to it? Anyway, I’m going to go ask out random women on the street, because it’s not rude; I mean fuck, man, how else can you find a partner in this economy?
  
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  - calcopiritus@lemmy.world ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    He wasn’t listening to the conversation for 3 hours. He was seated there for 3 hours, and then he overheard a part of a conversation.
    
    Overhearing is not the same as actively listening. Talking in public is public. They are at a bar, which is an extremely social place, it is normal for strangers to join conversations.
    
    And what place and context is more appropriate than a bar for asking someone out? It has been the de facto place exactly for that purpose for millenia.
    
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    TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨14⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    The phrasing heavily implies that they worked up their nerve over the course of three hours. And I’m not assuming they were attentatively listening; what’s problematic is that they leveraged (unsuccessfully) what they overheard to swoop in like a creepy vulture and try to pick this woman up while she was just trying to have a nice time with her friends.
    
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