Comment on Sloth Demon
latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 days ago
Not trying to play the virtuous superbeing here, just trying to get some perspective: am I the only one who finds such relationships… draining? I mean, I like being offered attention and affection, a lot! But this time of relationship feels like having helicopter parents, overbearing.
The occasional surprise meal, or doing the cleaning alone when I’m sick and melting are all fine and dandy in my book, as long as it’s not a constant occurrence and reciprocation is involved - I like returning favours, almost more than I do receiving them.
Again, not trying to virtue signal, I want to understand if this is part of my avoidant bits, or if it’s part of the usual spectrum. Childhood-long fuckery requires lifelong study, apparently.
It’s infantilizing. I would never treat a grown man that way, nor would I live with a guy who expected to be ‘taken care of’ to that extent. It implies a lack of trust in your ability to take care of yourself. I want a partner, not another child to take care of!
You are average in this, I would say.
Thank you! It genuinely is a load off my mind now that it’s clear I’m not off the mark with this one!:))
And that’s exactly it! Partnership, and that implies equal give and take on both sides (with compassionately compensating for one another when really needed)!
And very well said in terms of trusting one another to be capable of taking care of themselves! Worst case scenario, if it happens that the methods of approaching the same task vary greatly between the two parties (talking about how one washes the dishes, not how often, for example), these things can always be mitigated through clear and open discussion! This is also comes down to trust, as I see it.
Thanks so much once again! Sanity check complete with zero errors!❤️
To answer your question, yes, they are draining.
Why? Well you are living with another, who was not raised like you, live like you, or grew like you. Completely different and in each of these minutiae of differences you can find issues. Essentially it works in tandem with expectations and why they are still wanted.
It gives you emotional comfort, it gives you physical comfort, and above all else you start to form a union. Something so uniequely both of you that you have changed and so have they, in ways you couldn’t imagine alone.
It is your parent and your child. Someone you will care for, and someone who will care for you. It keeps you grounded from flying to high, keeps your mind to consider someone before yourself.
The benefit is the world becoming dominable, while nothing has really changed. A partner is a helicopter parent because you tell them who you are and what you want, they just remind you of your own expectations and keep you faithful to it.
They are just a mirror of your own wants, needs, and wishes. So it is your own actions and words that will reflect.
If it is draining, it is because you have not interacted enough with the world to realize you are always being drained. Finding something of meaning to pour into becomes fantastically magical. Suddenly you are no longer drained, it is a willful action to pour and be captured by a vessel of your choosing.
Oh, I think there’s a misunderstanding, I wasn’t referring to relationships in general, only the ones where one of the partners is expected/insists on doing all of the household/caretaking tasks by themselves, those I find overbearing and draining.
Relationships overall, quite the contrary! I generally find them fulfilling, although I show a tendency to seek familiarity, which means unhealthy dynamics and, frequently, unpleasant endings… That’s 75% on me and my still-mending patterns (because I am aware there are many manipulators who specifically seek out their targets).
And I don’t find the world in general draining, either! What drains me is hate, greed, bigotry, xenophobia of all shapes and sizes, everything driving some of our species to commit horrible acts. But to say that the world in general drains me is to be unfair to the myriad people who are beacons of wisdom, who have that particular spark which lights up a whole room, those who can see even the tiniest details and set them into wonderfully intricate webs of causality!
Not just that, but the world itself is wondrous! I cannot but feel recharged when I see a starry night sky, or a warm summer sunset, sit and listen to the waves crashing against the shore, or just lose myself for hours in meditation listening to rain pattering over everything around me!
It fills me to the brim to know you can see the way your cup fills at the marvel of our stars, at the patience within your meditation.
Relationships like this can be draining because you wish to compensate or match somehow. So it creates almost a directionless frustration of inadequacy.
It is how I felt when my love would work 2 jobs and I had so much time and couldn’t really do chores because of my upbringing. Making it a threshold I had to cross as an adult.
Ooh, I wouldn’t consider that a parent-partner type of relationship, sounds like there were some solid reasons for that unbalanced distribution! At least, that’s how I would see it, with the context of my upbringing having left me with several deficiencies in other areas of my psyche. They can be hard thresholds to cross, objectively speaking.
As for the frustration, as I understand it from this context, it was generated not by being coddled/babied., but by wanting and being unable. To me, it all comes down to intent. If a person wants to [something] but they can’t [something] due to stuff like health issues (physical or psychological), then that’s a completely different type of situation, it’s part of those objective incapacitators which I’ve mentioned in my initial comment.
To me, this is perfectly understandable and acceptable as long as it’s clear to me that my partner truly wants to try to rebalance everything. It’s when these types of blockers are constantly being used as an excuse, yet nothing is done to try to get through them that I see as a problem, because it basically means said person isn’t interested in participating from the start.
Either way, I’m sorry you had to go through that… I know how difficult it can be to want to do something, but to not be allowed to do so by our own brain…
These types of comments is why I conseder lemmy to be the best of social media.
Honestly, people on here would find this hot/great for like a day, maybe a week max. If it goes on more than that, the negative side effects will kick in.
I know for a fact that it’s how it’d happen for me, yes. With a hefty amount of anticipatory “oh, no… oh, I think I know where this is going…”
all this means is you’re more well-adjusted than the average 4chan user. congrats on your work
Given the horrors I’ve seen during my online horror tourism days, I’ll gladly take it!=))))
drosophila@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 days ago
I mean, if we’re making up a story about a kind of demon it probably shouldn’t be a healthy relationship.
A succubus sucks your soul out through your crotch, which feels great until it doesn’t. That’s why its supposed to be a scary monster.
The post says, “until you die of natural causes”, but for a counterpart to a succubus I think it would much more appropriate if it was able supernaturally influence you to reduce your worries and make you more and more dependent on it (just as a succubus can supernaturally charm its victims). Gradually you care about less and less as you lose all motivation, and at the end you don’t even bother to struggle as your soul is ripped from your body.
latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 days ago
Fair point and completely agree, but I was trying to divorce it a bit from the mythical/greentext framing (sorry if I left it ambiguous!) and referring to the more realistic version of such relationships, namely of the spouse/romantic partner/SO/you name it who plays a dutiful/doting parent for their partner.
In that case, I think outright malicious intent is seldom a direct driver for this type of relationship, usually has to do with either codependence, enforced Old Timey norms, and other such quasi-external/artificial sources. I do agree that the mythology around Succubi is a fine cautionary tale of what the result will be on the doted-upon partner’s end, very hard to develop one’s complexity when little to nothing is required of them in terms of effort in order to exist (not talking about poverty and such, just about normal everyday life stuff, like washing dishes, taking out the trash, cooking, paying bills, etc.).
And that’s what generates the confusion and the need to clarify in me. I understand that the way I’ve been raised hasn’t been necessarily conducive to objective reasoning in terms of interpersonal relationships and I’m trying to figure out if/where there are any lingering points of bias from this perspective within my processing.
valentinesmith@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 days ago
Sounds like a tricky question.
I would say that if my partner would basically do everything for me in housework I would feel uncomfortable if I was not also on some level giving back to the relationship. Not that I like traditional roles but I feel in those there was at least the assumption that both work, one at home and one for another boss.
In a scenario where someone really just does everything for you and there is nothing to contribute that would also feel grating and uncomfortable to me. Just hearing about a partner who would cozy you up for a while though sounds chill to me and something that has happened to me and I have enjoyed. Especially if it feels contextually appropriate: you having a rough patch and getting more support from them.
So when I first read it, thinking about my partner and me just chilling and me not having to do much of anything that did sound slightly tempting on some level as a fantasy.
Maybe that helps as a different perspective?
latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 days ago
Certainly does, thank you!
We have a lot of piints in common from what I see, because I, too, start off feeling uncomfortable in a “hey, that’s not exactly fair of me” manner, and evolves into an “ok, I’m starting to feel infantilised/suffocated” coded frustration if it persists after attempting to talk about it and balance things out a bit.
Otherwise, hell yeah! Gimme a lazy weekend on the couch with my SO, we’ll binge everything under the sun! I don’t mind being an utter slob as long as we both get to be slobs equally! But it’s entirely untennable long-term, so I’d much prefer to be allowed to pull my own weight within the relationship, unless objectively incapacitating circumstances apply, as you’ve mentioned!
Thank you so much for providing your perspective, clarity is within reach now! Also, deeply appreciate this coming from a former Sloth Demon😉 (got to see your old tag for a spell, had a good laugh:))) )