Word vomit and mental health incoming, feel free to skip

My sister told me today that my ex seemed fake the way he acted towards me. I agreed with her. It sucks that none of it was real except the love that I felt for him. Also that he seems gay. Friends also said he seemed gay. That explains a lot and would make sense.

Even though I forgive myself for staying with someone who didn’t love me, I’ve had too many coffees today and lost my three day no crying streak. I logically know that the past has happened and it isn’t worth dwelling on it. I logically know that I’m better off without the relationship, but the heart side of me kinda collapsed today. That is okay. Healing is not linear. He’s definitely not sitting there crying over me, he’s probably forgotten me by now. I just feel like I have no direction in life right now and everything feels pointless and bleak. I’m scared and I don’t know if I’m going to make it through the rest of the year. But the fact that I have no direction or clue in life really means that there are opportunities out there that I can’t see yet.

That therapy appointment couldn’t come sooner. Just have to hold on for two more weeks.

Some better things:

• tomorrow I’m going to sign up for an 8 week fitness challenge to get me back into working out. I haven’t properly worked out consistently in about a year.
• if I pass my uni stuff, I will also buy myself a drum kit or a cheap electric guitar. Watch me say all this shit and be good for three weeks and then fail.
• I don’t care if these things plus therapy are going to eat into my savings at this point, because I need a lifeline. I should probably also do one thing at a time. I’m sick of my mental state stopping me from doing the things I want to do and ultimately being the person I want to be. I’ve felt stagnant for probably the past 10 years. I’m done with feeling that way, because if I keep feeling that way, it’s going to be extra hard to get through life.

Sorry for spilling all the negative emotions.