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exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

I don’t know how Jewish it is, but it is part of a general trend of how society treats marriage.

Generations back, marriage was considered the beginning, a cornerstone for building an adult life on. Now, it’s shifted more towards a capstone, a thing that you can add to your life once you get your shit together. That has shifted expectations in dating, as well as expectations of how independent young adults need to be.

And it has pushed back expectations of what it means to be ready to have children. And once a higher percentage of parents have more money when they have kids, it also subtly shifts the expectations of parenting, as well:

“Having kids is too expensive” is just the straight-up truth for anyone who isn’t uncommonly comfortable relying on charity and/or society.

What’s wrong with relying on society? Having a good family and social circle is basically the most important part of being ready to have kids. My wife and I waited till we were rich before having kids, but we still heavily rely on our family, friends, and neighbors to enrich our children’s lives, while also being there for them and their children: rotating babysitting duties if some parents want to go on a date or even go out of town, rotating dinner hosting so only one family has to cook and clean, getting the kids together so that they can play and socialize, etc. We can’t do the parenting thing in isolation, but I don’t think society expects us to.

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schipelblorp@sh.itjust.works ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

Having a good family and social circle is basically the most important part of being ready to have kids

Well, bad news for you there, too: since we’re all busy working and commuting and moving states for jobs and our third places are disappearing for various reasons, because our connections have moved globally online instead of locally offline, we are all further away from our families of origin and have smaller social circles to help support our physical lives.

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MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago
Relying on society, when it works out, still usually leaves you with over-extended or strained relationships(especially with friends and family), and kids who will never understand just what was so important about their conceptions and births that couldn’t have waited until you were a little more ready and not constantly stressed to the breaking point - kids who are absolutely right.

Ask me how I know. If I look at it from the stand-point of the heart-attack that seems due any day now, maybe there was some urgency, but without trying to shoe-horn kids into a lifestyle that wasn’t ready for them and ultimately had to be abandoned in-favor of doing whatever it takes to keep them happy and healthy, external/internal consequences be damned, then my health outlook might not look so bleak.

All that, and have you seen divorce statistics. Jesus FUCK, have you SEEN divorce statistics? … and it’s somehow still okay to throw massive financial insecurity into the mix, the SINGLE GREATEST driver of divorce? Sure. Aim for the stars, kid. The world is your oyster and all that.

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- exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨22⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  
  Relying on society, when it works out, still usually leaves you with over-extended or strained relationships
  
  No, framing that as the best case scenario is just a complete lack of imagination. I’m closer with my friends and family now because we have regular meetups and more scheduled social contact. The idea that this kind of stuff would strain my friendships is actually pretty foreign to me. We do things for each other, and that brings us closer rather than piling up one-way resentment for the people who give more than they get.
  
  I find life to be less stressful when I’m around people I love. And that was always true, before I had kids, too.
  
  All that, and have you seen divorce statistics. Jesus FUCK, have you SEEN divorce statistics?
  
  Divorce rates have been dropping over the last 40 years, are especially low for college educated couples who got married after the age of 30.
  
  Take a deep breath and realize that lots of people are living lots of different lives. Try to imagine that some of us are happy, too.
  
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  - MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨21⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    College educated couples who got married after the age of 30 are exactly the sort to buy a house before having kids. They’ll also have locked-in friends and family who they can count-on, and likely owe them favors. Other than grandparents and single people, these ARE the society you want in your corner.
    
    As someone who did it in the reverse order, I promise you, you’re gonna burn a friendship or familial relation or three out of need, ones that otherwise would have lasted generations, and know as its happenning you’ll be living with that regret the rest of your life. You may be able to pay them back, but almost certainly neither in-kind or in any way, or on any time-scale, that makes the relationship what it once was.
    
    As you get older, relationships ossify - it takes life-changing events to have any chance to undo extinction events or straight “I’m burned-out on their shit”.
    
    So yeah, I have a lot of people who know that I, and my kids know, our family owes them and I will do anything in my power to do whatever I can to help them should they ever ask. They even would likely still help with whatever I asked for, even non-sense(“we’re square”)…
    
    … BUT, they stopped coming to fun “note-worthy” things we invite them to many years-ago. Any sharing in our modest successes(or just relief that x milestone was reached) is tainted by all the dirty-dirty of all the sausage they’ve helped us make to get to here.
    
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