expecting a 2 million dollar home, is legit crazy.
Comment on Anon is married
MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de 3 weeks agoThe first one isn’t misogyny. Minus the specifivity of the “$2 million” part, its the Jewish tradition of what is required for a man to be able to propose. “Having kids is too expensive” is just the straight-up truth for anyone who isn’t uncommonly comfortable relying on charity and/or society.
Like, are we going off the avatar, pretending a woman who says those things is crazy? Because she’s absolutely not, and neither are the men trying to live up to those items, at a minimum.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de 2 weeks ago
They think they are shooting you down, when really they are shoving you out of the way of the bullet that is themselves. “You know where to find me when you grow up" is a line I had worn-out by the end of my teens, yet I never get to leave it out of my repertoir for long.
The world is swimming in children of all ages. The only “favor” having them young migh do is forcing them to grow up a little earlier, and only if you’re very lucky, they are still whole enough to both resent you for it and forgive you. People think their adult children still idolizing them is a good result, but those children are NOT grown.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
My favorite is when they tell me I’m a immature one because I don’t want to be their daddy.
And what sucks is there is nobody who isn’t a bullet. Everyone is like this now, at least in my dating pool. People don’t grow and self reflect as they age, they just double-down on their bitterness towards others.
MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de 2 weeks ago
House Income Vehicle (or at least used to public transit/walking/biking enough to not treat you as a chaufer)
… all anyone needs to bring to the table on a material level. People will tell you about their standards all day long, but most are hypocrites - they are more flexible than they’ll let-on and/or are probing for push-back, checking to see who will “wear the pants” in a relationship.
If you’re inflexible your-self, with zero tolerance for bullshit or even a sense of humor about it, you’re going to have a bad time.
People say “single people are single for a reason”, but almost always pretend its unique to their age group or dating pool/whatever, but really its just-about equally true at all ages, and always applicable to onesself. Hardly anyone is single just-because their shitty ex was so shitty - shitty people attract shitty people, and its easier to make a new lover into a shitty person than to un-fuck what previous relationships and they have done to themselves, trying to hold-on to what they saw in so-and-so to the point that when its over they can’t let go of all the bad “surprises” that awaited them.
Don’t think of yourself or your experiences as so different from theirs. If you’ve had fewer, longer-term relationships than they, you still likely had many events where you and previous SO’s fell in-and-out of love - you just happened to work through them until you didn’t. In many cases, by most people’s criteria, maybe you shouldn’t have, and in just-as many, maybe your partner “should have” walked-away - its when “should have” wins-out over attachment that the relationship is dead, even if it doesn’t know it yet.
That said, if someone demands to be treated like a pet, that’s between you and them, and no, I’m not referring to furries or people who are self-aware, but the “don’t you dare shatter my fantasies”-types. I don’t have the patience to constantly pretend I am also surprised that the inevitable happened, but I’ve seen plenty who do. The ones that realize it aren’t always so-bad off, unless its “I gotta pretend for th kid’s sake”. Generally, don’t have kids with the poor, the disrespectful, OR the crazy, yeah?
exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
I don’t know how Jewish it is, but it is part of a general trend of how society treats marriage.
Generations back, marriage was considered the beginning, a cornerstone for building an adult life on. Now, it’s shifted more towards a capstone, a thing that you can add to your life once you get your shit together. That has shifted expectations in dating, as well as expectations of how independent young adults need to be.
And it has pushed back expectations of what it means to be ready to have children. And once a higher percentage of parents have more money when they have kids, it also subtly shifts the expectations of parenting, as well:
What’s wrong with relying on society? Having a good family and social circle is basically the most important part of being ready to have kids. My wife and I waited till we were rich before having kids, but we still heavily rely on our family, friends, and neighbors to enrich our children’s lives, while also being there for them and their children: rotating babysitting duties if some parents want to go on a date or even go out of town, rotating dinner hosting so only one family has to cook and clean, getting the kids together so that they can play and socialize, etc. We can’t do the parenting thing in isolation, but I don’t think society expects us to.
MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de 3 weeks ago
Relying on society, when it works out, still usually leaves you with over-extended or strained relationships(especially with friends and family), and kids who will never understand just what was so important about their conceptions and births that couldn’t have waited until you were a little more ready and not constantly stressed to the breaking point - kids who are absolutely right.
Ask me how I know. If I look at it from the stand-point of the heart-attack that seems due any day now, maybe there was some urgency, but without trying to shoe-horn kids into a lifestyle that wasn’t ready for them and ultimately had to be abandoned in-favor of doing whatever it takes to keep them happy and healthy, external/internal consequences be damned, then my health outlook might not look so bleak.
All that, and have you seen divorce statistics. Jesus FUCK, have you SEEN divorce statistics? … and it’s somehow still okay to throw massive financial insecurity into the mix, the SINGLE GREATEST driver of divorce? Sure. Aim for the stars, kid. The world is your oyster and all that.
exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 weeks ago
No, framing that as the best case scenario is just a complete lack of imagination. I’m closer with my friends and family now because we have regular meetups and more scheduled social contact. The idea that this kind of stuff would strain my friendships is actually pretty foreign to me. We do things for each other, and that brings us closer rather than piling up one-way resentment for the people who give more than they get.
I find life to be less stressful when I’m around people I love. And that was always true, before I had kids, too.
Divorce rates have been dropping over the last 40 years, are especially low for college educated couples who got married after the age of 30.
Take a deep breath and realize that lots of people are living lots of different lives. Try to imagine that some of us are happy, too.
MachineFab812@discuss.tchncs.de 3 weeks ago
College educated couples who got married after the age of 30 are exactly the sort to buy a house before having kids. They’ll also have locked-in friends and family who they can count-on, and likely owe them favors. Other than grandparents and single people, these ARE the society you want in your corner.
As someone who did it in the reverse order, I promise you, you’re gonna burn a friendship or familial relation or three out of need, ones that otherwise would have lasted generations, and know as its happenning you’ll be living with that regret the rest of your life. You may be able to pay them back, but almost certainly neither in-kind or in any way, or on any time-scale, that makes the relationship what it once was.
As you get older, relationships ossify - it takes life-changing events to have any chance to undo extinction events or straight “I’m burned-out on their shit”.
So yeah, I have a lot of people who know that I, and my kids know, our family owes them and I will do anything in my power to do whatever I can to help them should they ever ask. They even would likely still help with whatever I asked for, even non-sense(“we’re square”)…
… BUT, they stopped coming to fun “note-worthy” things we invite them to many years-ago. Any sharing in our modest successes(or just relief that x milestone was reached) is tainted by all the dirty-dirty of all the sausage they’ve helped us make to get to here.
schipelblorp@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
Well, bad news for you there, too: since we’re all busy working and commuting and moving states for jobs and our third places are disappearing for various reasons, because our connections have moved globally online instead of locally offline, we are all further away from our families of origin and have smaller social circles to help support our physical lives.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
because you shouldn’t have to be rich af to have kids. or a house, or stable employment.
and yet, society is telling us that you will never have any of this, unless you were lucky enough to be born rich.