Not much to add to the other advice except that if she can have full medical attention and at least some food into her some of the anxiety and other issues might reduce. I have seen that happen with my ex-gradma in law. Refused everything, couldnât manage meds, told her daughter the most awful things when she was moved to a home, but she thrived there. Might not help, but itâs pretty awful now plus you are trying to just keep her alive. Get the professionals in so you can be there in other ways.
Comment on Discussion Thread đ˘ Monday 20 April 2026
Bottom_racer@aussie.zone â¨16⊠â¨hours⊠ago
Heavy discussions last night.
Looking at intervention for olâ girl. I canât get that weight up if she keeps refusing ensure (she keeps tipping it down the sink when itâs mixed up ready to go in). Was blamed by her. Itâs irrational.
Meltdown if you do, meltdown (and severe consequences) if you donât. âAll you want to do is get rid of meâ.
Stuck.
Canât do anything right, just falls on its face.
Weâre well beyond gentle suggestion.
When she goes in itâll be stressful and miserable for her (bad for non-amnestic MCI), more nutrition and on a drip (good for NA MCI), no excercise (bad).
What do you do. What the correct thing to do (peg and drip) is also wrong.
How tf do you weigh this up w/o feeling guilt.
imoldgreeeg@aussie.zone â¨15⊠â¨hours⊠ago
MeanElevator@aussie.zone â¨15⊠â¨hours⊠ago
You will feel guilt. But for a good reason.
Youâre trying to do whatâs best for her, and itâs being throw back in your face.
Guilt is normal in this situation.
In this scenario, youâre not the problem. Youâre actively trying to find a solution, but itâs getting harder and harder.
I hope you stay strong through the ordeal.
Thornburywitch@aussie.zone â¨16⊠â¨hours⊠ago
Weigh this up w/o feeling guilt - I donât reckon thereâs a way that doesnât involve some sort of guilt feelings. Question of what sort and for what.
spoiler
At this point I reckon that youâve done a damn sight more than is strictly required, so the coulda and shoulda sort of guilt is not operating. The woulda sort of guilt - well, sheâs your Mum and you love her. In spite of all the current difficulties.
Imo, and this is strictly my own opinion, is that one of her current hungers is for agency. The question is, does that hunger hit harder than physical food hunger - and imo it currently does. And independent agency is contraindicated due to other factors.
Youâre battling a shit storm rn, and there are no good or right answers. All you can do is the best you can in the circumstances, and try to sleep at night. Feel for you.Taleya@aussie.zone â¨15⊠â¨hours⊠ago
No guilt here mate. Sheâs clearly not in a fit mental state to handle her health. Once she starts being managed properly you may find the whole thing becomes unnecessary because sheâs back on track. But right now theyâre drowning
melbaboutown@aussie.zone â¨13⊠â¨hours⊠ago
Itâs ok. She would have gone downhill and potentially had a bad end if it wasnât for your persistence and care. Ignore her criticism, sheâs not thinking rationally right now. She canât tip the Ensure down the sink and then blame you for weight loss now can she? And she canât be distressed about the weight loss and still yell at you for pushing the food. Thatâs not reasonable or fair.
I completely understand the stress. Youâre in a double bind where youâre damned if you do and damned if you donât. When I find myself in one of those I just try to pick the least worst option. Usually thatâs guided by legal guidelines or what I morally should do. In an imperfect system it doesnât always work out well but⌠itâs some kind of compass.
I think conversations need to be had about olâ girls mental state in regards to making decisions and who is legally in charge of decisions around her.
It may be that if sheâs to be supported to maintain her weight she may be forced to do things she doesnât want to (hospital stay, medication, carers, interventions around nutrition) and you may have to work out if you or someone else have the legal authority to do that. Definitely have her assessed and take her during her worst day so that they can see whatâs happening. Also - people with dementia can do this thing called âshowtimingâ where theyâre able to get it together enough to hide it, so definitely document whatâs been going on.
Another side of it is that her body may be winding down and doesnât need nutrition. But thatâs a conversation for her doctor. If she isnât coming to the end of her life and food refusal is related to pain, dementia, or changes to behaviour resulting from TBI - there are things that can be done.
Work out where you stand legally first and get supports on side, then you and the medical team can decide how to go forward.
Gibsonhasafluffybutt@aussie.zone â¨15⊠â¨hours⊠ago
Iâm sorry if this comes across the wrong way bro, but it sounds like thereâs no scenario here where you donât feel bad.
The best you can do, is pick the option that is the best for your mums health.
Iâm sorry you and your family are going through such a difficult time â¤ď¸
SituationCake@aussie.zone â¨8⊠â¨hours⊠ago
Iâm so sorry. Such a difficult situation. This sounds so horrid. Itâs impossible to know what her wishes are. Refusing food but also âyou are trying to get rid of meâ implies she doesnât want to die? Somehow her mental state is thinking food is poison? Ensure will harm her? Because she doesnât have the mental capacity to understand the consequences of not eating, or to communicate if she wishes to live or enter palliative stage, youâre in an impossible situation. Agree with Melba that checking what the legalities are for medical treatment for someone mentally incapacitated is important. Maybe also having a discussion with others who are close to her, and her doctors, what decisions would be the best quality of life for her?
CEOofmyhouse56@aussie.zone â¨15⊠â¨hours⊠ago
You feel guilt because you care. Not much you can do about that. Youâve done everything possible and more. Itâs a hard time right now. Much love to you and your family. â¤ď¸