Comment on question for the culture

• KindnessIsPunk@lemmy.ca ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

  It may be but if two parties agreed to it in good faith and expected it to be the norm going forward under no duress, then they are absolutely a shitty person for not abiding by it.

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  • IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    I would never agree to those terms, so they don’t apply to me.

    the problem is that society, states, and religion pushes those standards as if they are the only correct form of relationships. they are arbitrary rules based on ancient forms of control, where women were seen as free household labor and baby factories.

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    • KindnessIsPunk@lemmy.ca ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      And that’s fine that’s a completely reasonable conclusion. But the stance you took earlier wasn’t a personal one it was one that it wasn’t right for anyone.

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      • IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

        still agree with that. it’s a stupid standard that hurts and shackles people rather than help them

        so many loving relationships are torn because an affair, even an emotional one, even if one partner does noting but just develops feelings (100% out of their control), or worse, jealousy. all because monogamy is the standard.

        ask elder people who were married through most of their lives and they all have stories of those hardships and how it hurt them.

        wouldn’t it be nicer and simpler of cheating was viewed with the same severity as cheating in a diet? rather than being a devastating blow to a relationship and might even lead to severe social punishment?

        We are animals we need connections and we aren’t always in control regarding what connections form.

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  • DudleyMason@lemmy.ml ⁨4⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    If two parties agreed to it under no sense of duress

    As long as monogamy is considered the default and something most people wouldn’t ever consider getting away from, it’s impossible to enter a monogamous relationship absent coercion, because the coercion is societal.

    Just like there’s no such thing as voluntary employment under a capitalist system, there’s no such thing as voluntary monogamy in a world dominated by Western, Bronze-age sexual politics.

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• Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

  Then don’t enter into relationships where that’s a rule, or negotiate alternatives 🤷‍♂️

  I’m not going to say there aren’t circumstances where cheating is understandable, but it’s still a bad thing to do, even in the scenario you describe. Taking the abused and neglected cheating partner’s perspective - what happens when your partner finds out? What happens when someone else finds out and uses this information to blackmail you? Are you really going to be better off than you would’ve been making and executing an escape plan instead?

  Cheating almost always outs. Everyone thinks they’re going to be the exception, but by definition few are. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, either get all people in the relationship onboard to start addressing that, or leave. If leaving is going to create problems, prepare in advance to address those problems. IMO you’ll be better off for it v. cheating.

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  • IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

    you’ve never been in an abusive relationship and it shows. Ideally no one should ever be in one.

    I hope it’s ok if I copy pase a reply I did to someone else, but I’m getting a lot of replies and there’s no point in writing the same thing twice:

    I would never agree to those terms, so they don’t apply to me.

    the problem is that society, states, and religion pushes those standards as if they are the only correct form of relationships. they are arbitrary rules based on ancient forms of control, where women were seen as free household labor and baby factories.

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    • Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

      Don’t mind the copy-paste at all, and I happen to (more or less) agree with the statement as is.

      My counterpoint is despite these pressures, it is something you do not have to accept for yourself, but not at the expense of violating the trust of someone you promised you’d be monogamous with. You can be poly, you can swing, you can have mistresses/whatever the masculine equivalent word is, whatever. But you have to be honest in your romantic/sexual dealings, so people can make choices that are appropriate for them with a full understanding. And if you are in a relationship where you can’t be honest, then IMO you need to get out. Nothing good will come from staying, and much worse can come from cheating.

      I will admit, however, that I have not been in a abusive relationship in the strictest sense of the term (what’s a little financial abuse and gaslighting between friends - I’d put an emoji here but can’t find one bitter enough. I understand what you mean though), and that does inform/limit my perspective.

      We may need to agree to disagree here.

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      • IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

        this isn’t a debate, just a conversation. I have no expectation for anyone to change their minds. if I have any goal, is that everyone should question the rules and norms we inherited from our societies. even if you agree with them, it’s important to question.

        and monogamy in particular, is one of those norms most people just passively accept without thinking about it. If you agree with it, go ahead, but it’s important to take a moment and question it.

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