Comment on question for the culture
Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works 5 days agoImagine you have a relationship where one of the rules each person is expected to follow is “Do not have sex with other people.” You both agreed to it. Then you find out the other person broke it. Trust is gone.
This would be different than someone saying “Hey, I know we agreed to this rule, but can we revisit that?” and having a grownup discussion about ENM alternatives, where someone has the opportunity to say that is a dealbreaker for them or declare boundaries that make this OK with them.
Nonmonogamy is cool is everyone is aware and onboard. Fuck cheaters.
IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world 5 days ago
i find such rule to be inherently controlling and coercive. and used to punish abused and neglected partners who find affection elsewhere but can’t leave their relationship due to coersion or fear of homelessness.
Cheating like that should be like “we agreed were both in a diet, but I had a donut that someone brought to the office”, not “you are inherently a horrible human being who deserves to be shamed and hated for seeking human connection”.
KindnessIsPunk@lemmy.ca 5 days ago
It may be but if two parties agreed to it in good faith and expected it to be the norm going forward under no duress, then they are absolutely a shitty person for not abiding by it.
IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world 5 days ago
I would never agree to those terms, so they don’t apply to me.
the problem is that society, states, and religion pushes those standards as if they are the only correct form of relationships. they are arbitrary rules based on ancient forms of control, where women were seen as free household labor and baby factories.
KindnessIsPunk@lemmy.ca 5 days ago
And that’s fine that’s a completely reasonable conclusion. But the stance you took earlier wasn’t a personal one it was one that it wasn’t right for anyone.
DudleyMason@lemmy.ml 4 days ago
As long as monogamy is considered the default and something most people wouldn’t ever consider getting away from, it’s impossible to enter a monogamous relationship absent coercion, because the coercion is societal.
Just like there’s no such thing as voluntary employment under a capitalist system, there’s no such thing as voluntary monogamy in a world dominated by Western, Bronze-age sexual politics.
Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works 5 days ago
Then don’t enter into relationships where that’s a rule, or negotiate alternatives 🤷♂️
I’m not going to say there aren’t circumstances where cheating is understandable, but it’s still a bad thing to do, even in the scenario you describe. Taking the abused and neglected cheating partner’s perspective - what happens when your partner finds out? What happens when someone else finds out and uses this information to blackmail you? Are you really going to be better off than you would’ve been making and executing an escape plan instead?
Cheating almost always outs. Everyone thinks they’re going to be the exception, but by definition few are. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, either get all people in the relationship onboard to start addressing that, or leave. If leaving is going to create problems, prepare in advance to address those problems. IMO you’ll be better off for it v. cheating.
IAmNorRealTakeYourMeds@lemmy.world 5 days ago
you’ve never been in an abusive relationship and it shows. Ideally no one should ever be in one.
I hope it’s ok if I copy pase a reply I did to someone else, but I’m getting a lot of replies and there’s no point in writing the same thing twice:
I would never agree to those terms, so they don’t apply to me.
the problem is that society, states, and religion pushes those standards as if they are the only correct form of relationships. they are arbitrary rules based on ancient forms of control, where women were seen as free household labor and baby factories.
Cracks_InTheWalls@sh.itjust.works 5 days ago
Don’t mind the copy-paste at all, and I happen to (more or less) agree with the statement as is.
My counterpoint is despite these pressures, it is something you do not have to accept for yourself, but not at the expense of violating the trust of someone you promised you’d be monogamous with. You can be poly, you can swing, you can have mistresses/whatever the masculine equivalent word is, whatever. But you have to be honest in your romantic/sexual dealings, so people can make choices that are appropriate for them with a full understanding. And if you are in a relationship where you can’t be honest, then IMO you need to get out. Nothing good will come from staying, and much worse can come from cheating.
I will admit, however, that I have not been in a abusive relationship in the strictest sense of the term (what’s a little financial abuse and gaslighting between friends - I’d put an emoji here but can’t find one bitter enough. I understand what you mean though), and that does inform/limit my perspective.
We may need to agree to disagree here.