You who have been handed only a pale shadow of the true history. Harken to me. Before your fathers ever darkened a lady’s doorstep, America had had a gay president. And not only this, but a professional wrestler.

This president was a Chad, nay a Gigachad - for he freed the slaves. Yes… He is the one of whom I speak. That is the true history, which we forget at great peril.

So let us hear less of this erstwhile “first gay president” who would not emancipate even a steak from the flame soon enough to save it, and can only play at homosexuality for the sake of empty-hearted power politics.