Comment on Anon is worried about men

• SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Until you approach another wrong one and you get another lecture for saying hi

  This shit is actually happening

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  • Critical_Thinker@lemm.ee ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    So walk away from them, or handle it gracefully somehow. It’s the same as trying to make a friend. Doesn’t everyone make friends from time to time?

    Interest + effort = relationship of any kind. Find the shared interest, make a little bit of effort… or don’t and the math doesn’t work. If romance doesn’t come, you’ve made a friend.

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    • SoftestSapphic@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Enough negative experiences reinforce and define behavior.

      This is true for any being with a nervous system.

      IDK why you think every individual magically changing is something realistic.

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      • Guns0rWeD13@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        it’s just that you’re fragile and a disgrace. it’s revolting. the fascists are taking over. grow some confidence. we need heroes, not insecure little boys. you know what will get you laid real quick? bashin the fash.

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      • Critical_Thinker@lemm.ee ⁨22⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        If every individual you approach gives you a lecture you might want to check out not being around those people. Try something different.

        I’ve never, ever gotten a lecture. I’ve been married for about four years, but before the pandemic I picked up 4 women in a year that led to relationships of months before I ended them when I realized there wasn’t enough there to keep me interested. Don’t get me wrong, i’ve been dumped plenty and rejected plenty. I just learned to move on from the rejection.

        It’s like job hunting, it’s a numbers game and every time you try you have a chance. Every time you don’t try nothing changes.

        I just can’t imagine being lectured just by approaching someone and saying hi, asking them a question that is pertinent to the scenario, and giving them a chance to speak.

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      • UniversalMonk@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        Enough negative experiences reinforce and define behavior.

        Unless you don’t let them.

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  • UniversalMonk@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    and you get another lecture for saying hi

    I’ve never ever had that happen. And I’m old enough to have fucked your grandma when she was still young and cute.

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    • Ookami38@sh.itjust.works ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      My personal experience trunpa your personal experience!

      This is the problem. We’re all so keen to talk, and not to listen. You’re old enough to have fucked dude’s Grandma? Congratulations you lived in a different world.

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      • UniversalMonk@sh.itjust.works ⁨18⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Congratulations you lived in a different world.

        And I’m still in this world. Dude I still date. I’m only in my 50’s. I’m not even as old as brad pitt or Tom cruise.

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• Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  “Polite” implies that if you’re agreeable and friendly women will understand that you’re interested in them and not just being agreeable and friendly.

  I think part of the problem is that what we’re all really after is fucking, which isn’t polite at all. Being polite about it just makes you look weak and ineffective at the thing that we all say we want but can’t mention.

  If any mention of sex by a man is considered inappropriate, how is a man supposed to negotiate sex?

  This is a big reason why I’m engaged: We got the impolite part out of the way first.

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  • Ookami38@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    The “sex is impolite” thing… I think that’s a lot bigger than a lot of people give credit. I grew up in a non-denominational Christian house in the deep South. The only sex education I got was abstinence only, if you have sex with someone it’s basically the same as having sex with every person that person has ever had sex with. Your penis will fall off, her vagina will fall off, and you’ll have 37 babies.

    Obviously, on an intellectual level, I’ve rejected all of that. Sex is fine and normal, having multiple partners throughout your life is normal. Your penis and her vagina will be fine, as long as you’re careful. No kids if you’re careful.

    Despite this, for my entire life, sex has just been a thing that you don’t talk about. You don’t ask for. You’re not a friend if you want sex, you’re a pest. But also, you can’t want sex from someone you’ve just met, then you’re a creep and a pervert. You have to be their friend first, build a relationship and then you can want sex, but remember - you’re not a friend if you want sex, so you’re just living a lie to get sex. It’s a vicious catch 22. One of the biggest driving factors in all animals - sex - and we’ve moralized it so that we both cannot seek it and must obtain it.

    I’ve got a fair few female friends. Some of them I would not mind having a deeper relationship with. But there’s always the struggle. Am I just being nice to get with her? Well, I can’t do that - I’d feel like a horrible person. So let’s just be friends and ignore the feelings for too long. Let’s let her believe we’re just friends, nothing more, until I can’t ignore it, confess feelings, and - shocker - that’s not a recipe for a relationship.

    We’re all products of our environment. I can recognize a lot of the factors that have led me to having the mentality that I do. Unfortunately, the environments for so many of us are just not good ones. It feels like every major force in our lives is pushing us towards isolation. The problem isn’t men, isn’t women, it’s all just fucked. The whole thing needs an overhaul.

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    • Semi_Hemi_Demigod@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Thanks for this because it is exactly what I’m talking about. I wasn’t raised in a Christian house, but anything that was even vaguely titillating was considered obscene. When your mom angrily throws out a Victoria’s Secret catalog calling it “disgusting” how are you supposed to feel about liking the pictures?

      If someone thinks their physical attraction is disgusting, perverse, or annoying how are they supposed to negotiate a relationship?

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      • Ookami38@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        And unfortunately, one of the only places that are consistently telling young men they AREN’T disgusting, perverse and annoying is the same place that actively makes men into annoying, perverse, disgusting people. For a lot of young men, the only consistent positive reinforcement they receive is from Tate et al. The only ones teaching men (poorly, but still) how to navigate these interpersonal relationships are the ones turning them into pests.

        None of this is the individual woman’s fault. None of this is the individual man’s fault. It’s a societal failing, and the only way we’re going to fix it is as a society. Men’s problems are women’s problems, and women’s problems are men’s problems. We all shape the world we share, and we all have a duty to shape it into a better one, for everyone.

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      • UniversalMonk@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

        When your mom angrily throws out a Victoria’s Secret catalog calling it “disgusting” how are you supposed to feel about liking the pictures?

        How about not thinking that since you are no longer a child listening to your mother?

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    • UniversalMonk@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

      Despite this, for my entire life, sex has just been a thing that you don’t talk about.

      But that’s all on YOU. I have more women friends that guy friends, and women talk about sex a lot. More so than guys in my experience.

      Dude, you’re an adult. Doesn’t matter how you were raised, you are obviously smart enough to unprogram yourself from your upbringing.

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      • Ookami38@sh.itjust.works ⁨20⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        A little empathy goes a long way, friend. Obviously I have personal responsibility. My post was not an attempt to eschew responsibility, but to tell my story.

        A lot of people are in similar situations. I AM lucky enough to be smart and able to pull myself out of that kind of upbringing. Here’s the kicker - a LOT of people aren’t. Or are in even worse situations. Understanding where people are coming from and the unique challenges they’ve experienced, that shale who they are - that’s the only way we’re going to change anything societally.

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