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Comments

• Kit@lemmy.blahaj.zone ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Man this is a tough one. It might be worth just leveling with your dad - a quick “Hey, this situation is weird for me and it’s gonna take me some time to come around, but thanks for being super nice.” It will voice your feelings while validating his attempts at smoothing things over. If you continue to just be totally aloof without explanation, he’ll eventually run out of the energy to be nice.

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• Clouds@discuss.tchncs.de ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Cheating on someone is a shitty move and I personally think you are totally in your rights to act ‘aloof’ or weary for enough time to process what has happened.

  Maybe they are acting super nice because they know they did something fucked up and now over compensate to try and to regain some normalcy in their everyday life, but I’d say that normalcy should arrive when you yourself decide if that is a path you are ok with and in the mean time you are allowed whatever feelings you desire.

  But that’s just my view on it.

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• acme401@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Not to be callous about your situation; but isn’t this the subplot to Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure?

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• kava@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  i say be polite. you don’t have to be super friendly or anything

  being a “homewrecker” is bad, but sometimes there’s more context you don’t know about. i tend to give people the benefit of doubt and give them an opportunity to show who they are before I make assumptions.

  i do this because in the past i have judged too quickly and been wrong about people

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• kibiz0r@midwest.social ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  This is a good situation for a therapist. Nobody here is gonna be able to give you an accurate assessment.

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• Takapapatapaka@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  I’d say you’re no asshole at all, cause 1) generally speaking, you can have your reasons for being distant with people, it’s not a duty or anything, 2) from the bits of context, you may be experiencing a difficult/complex/unsettling situation, which would be a good reason to keep to your personal space to my eyes and 3) i find that, paradoxically, it feels more ok to have a “negative” or “not positive” or “neutral” behavior towards people who are more or less comprehensive/supporting, which seems to be the case here. On one hand we could feel like, since they make move towards us, we should thank them or they should be rewarded with extra attention, but on the other end, it’s the ideal situation to be reserved or less considerate without hurting people.

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• meco03211@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  I’d argue some of this depends on how old you are. Hypothetically if you’re very young and there’s a lot of deeper issues between your father and mother, it might not be best to try to explain a lot of that to you. Young kids aren’t going to really grasp the nuance of certain things or shouldn’t be burdened with something like “your mother was horribly abusive to me and also cheating, and I needed a way out as I was emotionally wrecked myself”. That example is a bit extreme to be fair. But from that you might get a sense for when that scenario should be revealed to the child (likely as an adult), or depending on how far reality departs from that example when would be an appropriate time.

  Now on the other end of the hypothetical spectrum, if you’re older and your dad was just an asshole cheating for fun, I can see that being a justifiable reason to cut them off (situationally dependent).

  Odds are you land somewhere between these. If you don’t have friends or other family to talk to about it, it might behoove you to try and get some professional counseling. And understand that someone else could go through the exact same situation as you and come to a different conclusion and that doesn’t mean either of you are wrong.

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• JoMiran@lemmy.ml ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  The only thing I can say is that when you are distributing negativity, however you choose to manifest it, make sure that it is your dad, the cheater, that gets the lion’s share of the shit. The GF deserves some too given that she went into this knowingly, but the real asshole is always the cheater.

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• jwiggler@sh.itjust.works ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  It’s weird she’s talking to you as if she were your mom.

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  • miss_demeanour@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

    It’s weird she’s talking to you as if she were your momolder sister.

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• ThePowerOfGeek@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  Given the context, no I don’t think you are being aloof. They both knew what they were doing, and no amount of toadying up to you can make up for that.

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• cecilkorik@lemmy.ca ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  The mature thing to do would be to tell them something like “I can see that you’re trying and I appreciate that, but I don’t know if I can like or respect you after what you did to my mom and my family. I’ll let you know if that changes but I’m not ready to have you mother me, I can and will cook my own dinner for the foreseeable future.” however be advised this could cause more hurt and lead to escalation because some people can’t handle rejection even when it’s honest and will either desperately seek approval anyway or reject you back. Given what you said about her age she may not even be emotionally mature herself.

  Also you’re under no obligation to be mature about it. You’re allowed to be an asshole if you want. Cheaters and homewreckers and broken family creators are some of the worst things in the world to me. As someone who was raised in a broken home I really have little sympathy for the people who don’t understand that having children is a commitment, not just personally but to their whole relationship. They’re not just possessions you get custody of and get to drag around on your own personal life journey.

  I’m not religious but I think this is one of the things that religion was trying to accomplish by making marriage such a sacred thing and divorce so restricted and children out of wedlock so disapproved of. The “nuclear” family was a secular version of the same principle. Yes, all that had unintended consequences too but if you are not prepared to raise children with a person you should not be having children with them. Yeah, “people change” but your commitments do not. That’s why they’re called commitments. If you’re not going to follow through on your commitments you’d better have some really damn good reason to be causing such lasting damage to your child. It can be justified in some cases, but I think it’s pretty rare that it actually is justified. Children deserve a stable and lasting family environment. I think that’s a big part of why foster care is generally such a disastrous failure too. How do we fix this? I don’t know, but I know it starts with the parents being responsible.

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• MagnyusG@lemmy.world ⁨1⁩ ⁨day⁩ ago

  If you haven’t confronted them about it, yes. If you have, and they are aware of how you feel, you’re pretty much free to do whatever you want imo, if they’re still trying to play nice after the fact, that’s on them. Stay aloof, and cut ties with them presumably when you’re older and you can.

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