What can be the reasons for self-sabotaging behaviours when it comes to relationships?

Submitted ⁨⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨AFC1886VCC@reddthat.com⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

By relationships, I mean both platonic and romantic. I’m just doing a bit of soul searching and reflecting on things I’ve done in the past.

For example, I used to get a weird sense of satisfaction by rejecting girls that showed interest in dating me, even though deep down I wanted a relationship and wanted to give them a chance. Not in a cruel way, just in a “sorry I’m not looking for a relationship right now” kind of way.

I also used to sabotage friendships that were forming before I got too close to the person. Sometimes I ghosted people, acted cold around them, or just didn’t go out socially with them. The result was exactly what you’d expect - people just stopped speaking to me and didn’t make an effort anymore, just as I hadn’t with them.

I’ve hurt people that cared about me and can’t figure out whether it’s fear of getting close, fear of showing my vulnerabilities, or something else entirely.

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MakingWork@lemmy.ca ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Could it be that you just want to be chased? Enjoy being hard to get? Feeling valued. Get satisfaction from being contacted and approached but then once it all disappears it feels like you lost?

I’m only thinking this because you wrote you get a weird satisfaction from rejecting.

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NemoWuMing@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
You could look into “attachment style”, and perhaps you are “avoidant” or something similar.

Discussing this with a therapist, or advisor or life coach could probably help you zero in on what’s going and what to do about it.

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- JayleneSlide@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Came looking for this comment. It’s absolutely critical to know thyself, and understanding one’s attachment style is one of the easier bits of self-knowledge.
  
  One of the most accessible books on the topic is “Attached” by Levine and Heller. For me, that book was such an eye-opener. I read it as my second marriage was imploding, and I was grabbing at everything to try to save it. The example conversations for my and my ex’s attachment styles were uncanny. I kept getting the feeling of “were y’all in the room with us for that argument?”
  
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BilboBargains@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Fear of rejection can manifest in this way. We can’t be rejected if we sabotage the relationship before the person finds out who we really are. It’s a sign of low self esteem and depression.

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ladicius@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Reasons for patterns like this are most often to be found in childhood. You probably were hurt by someone you yearned to be connected with, and now you are repeating or replaying that shit in a vain attempt to get over it (this sounds weird but it makes sense when you see it as “taking the stronger role” to not be the weak part of the relationship).

Good therapy (there’s bad therapy as well unfortunately) can help.

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owenfromcanada@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I’ll echo the “see a therapist if it’s feasible” recommendations. Here’s another possibility:

We all have a worldview, and that includes our own understanding of who we are. One of the possible reasons for self-sabotage is when we believe ourselves to be a certain way (or that we do/don’t deserve something), we tend to self correct for any anomalies, whether good or bad. That is, if I was treated poorly as a child, or otherwise lacked the love and support that children need, I might believe myself to be unlovable and “correct” anything that contradicts that understanding (such as someone showing interest in me).

It could be that, or any number of other things. I’ll echo another recommendation: take note of your emotions when you’re in those situations (you might even be able to feel them when you imagine a situation like you described). What do you feel?

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Death_Equity@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Joy in giving rejection - enjoying power over the situation and pleasure in rejecting their wants. It can also be relief due to the fear of intimacy or vulnerability brought by closeness. You may enjoy being a Dom in consensual control of your partner to a variable degree.

Sabotage of relationships - this can be more complex. This can be fear of being hurt because the people closest to you can hurt you the most or feelings of inadequacy because you snowball feelings of inadequacy with feelings of being a bad friend. Your social needs may be low, but higher than you have and that leaves you disappointed and wanting more.

Talk to a therapist. There are some things you need to work on, your willingness to anonymously ask these questions about yourself is a positive step in the right direction, but it would take very long discussions with an experienced council to navigate your history to find out what is the root problem to address in order for you to be happy with who you are and your relationships with others. I know a therapist is a stranger that you need to be the most vulnerable with and that is scary, but you need to resist the urge to run, they don’t need to actually matter to you but they can help you find the version of yourself that has people that matter to you without pushing them away. Understand them as meaningful to you as strangers on the internet and giving them the vulnerability you need to give them in order to make progress will be easier. Start with discussing how you feel about being vulnerable with them and your relationship with them as a therapist.

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200ok@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
There are a lot of potential reasons, and the fact that you’re curious is commendable.

While there’s no way for a stranger on the Internet to know, anecdotally I tend to push people away for a variety of reasons… maybe you’ll relate to some of them:

I really enjoy being alone

Caring about other people is a lot of work

If someone gets to know all of my quirks, they might reject me

I don’t like feeling vulnerable

I’m worried I’ll be jealous

I’m sure there are other reasons, but that’s triggered my self-loathing enough for one night.
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lath@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Fear of responsibility perhaps?

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Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I lose touch with my friends because I have a hard time remembering anything that isn’t directly in front of my face. Every now and then it cruises my mind to reach out, but I get distracted and go on for another year or so.

It may not be self sabotage. You might just be a little busted, and need a little extra help.

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unemployedclaquer@sopuli.xyz ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

it’s not a fear of success

Nor of closeness

But of going through life

Feeling known

A little song in case you want to feel okay with the way you are distant. Clem Snide “I love the unknown”, it’s on the web

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monkeyman512@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Not a professional, just another meat bag trying to figure his own stuff out. Good job on the introspection. Some times just seeing our own behavior can be difficult. Getting help from a professional is always a good plan. Until then, I would suggest continuing to be mindful of that you do this and make a focused effort to pay attention to the emotions your are feeling when you do these things. Other than that, what are the things you DO want to do? When you you try take these new actions, what are your emotions at these times?

P.S. Being more self aware is a skill. Don’t be surprised if it your not very good at it to start.

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Fubarberry@sopuli.xyz ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
I think some people sabotage relationships for the same reason they throw video games. They have fears/suspicions that it’s going to not work out, and rather than be a victim they want to have some control over the outcome. A loss or failed relationship doesn’t hurt as bad if they caused it to end the way it did.

However in your case, it sounds more like a fear of something different. It’s a lot easier to keep things like they are, when a relationship gets too serious or life impacting it can be easy to be scared of the change, and instead subconsciously decide you want to keep things like they are.

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