Comment

I’m on the autism spectrum too. I’m on my second marriage. My current partner knows I’m n the spectrum, and (mostly) accepts it. We’ve been married for eight years. My prior partner and I married before I was tested; they kept expecting me to change.

And now, knowing what I do, I’d not put effort towards something as hard to find and keep as love.

Here’s the secret: NT people also have to put in effort to find and keep love. There are no fairy tales for anyone, and it requires effort from everyone. If you’re not willing to put in that effort, then no, you’re never going to find and keep love. And there aren’t guarantees, because you’re talking about another person, one that has their own internal life, and is making their own choices. When I practice shooting, my improvement in that area is entirely on me; my gun doesn’t have it’s own will. It is an extension of me. When I’m working on connecting to my partner, they still have their own agency. So if I don’t seem to be making progress, that may not be me at all, but due to their choices.

source

Sort:hotnew top

archonet@lemy.lol ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
Good for you, I’m glad you have better luck than I do.

You seem to think that because I’m not willing to put in effort anymore,, that means I never did. Allow me to correct you. I spent long enough putting in extraordinary amounts of effort for a very long time and merely got shit on in return, but I’m glad it worked out better for you, really I am. But in so many words, I’m the one who gets to decide when I’ve had enough heartbreak, not you.

source
- HelixDab2@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
  Sure, you can decide when you’re done.
  
  But in my experience, most people on the spectrum say that they’re putting in effort, but they’re not even putting in the bare minimum. They–by which I mean we–have skewed perceptions, because we lack a certain type of effective empathy. We have a hard time seeing ourselves the way other people might, and assume that people are able to see what we intend, rather than the results.
  
  You can decide that you’re done. You can’t create a false, bullshit narrative, and then expect everyone to accept your “truth” as some kind of universally correct thing. Like, “Likewise, some of us just aren’t destined for love, be it for any myriad constellations of internal and external factors,” because, hey, there’s no such fucking thing as “destiny”. There’s no predetermination like that; having a successful relationship isn’t determined by physical–or even mental–standards that are absolute. Every single potential partner has different standards and needs, so if you can’t meet one person’s needs, you move on. All the shit you talk about is not unique to ND people.
  
  …Because everyone has to change and compromise in any romantic relationship.
  
  source
  - archonet@lemy.lol ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    
    You can’t create a false, bullshit narrative, and then expect everyone to accept your “truth” […]
    
    and that’s where I’m done reading, it’s quite clear you’re just here to shit-stir and I don’t have time for trolls. Bye!
    
    source
    HelixDab2@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago
    [What we’ve got here is failure to communicate. Some men, you just can’t reach. So you get what we had here last week – which is the way he wants it. Well, he gets it.}(www.youtube.com/watch?v=452XjnaHr1A)
    
    source