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FireRetardant@lemmy.world ⁨9⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

Also in my experience, a lot of women don’t like to openly express consent in spoken communication. If im in a situation where i think we should kiss, ill ask the first time and they’ll often say yes, and later confess to me that asking kinda killed the mood for them. Like sorry but consent is important and I’m not one to bank on my autisitc ass misreading subtle body language.

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Banana@sh.itjust.works ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
Yeah that’s something I think women are slowly learning how to rewire their brains around because, just like how popular culture shaped how men approached women, the same popular culture (and internalized misogyny) taught women that asking for consent is not sexy.

This appears to be changing from what I’ve read in various comments on audio porn geared towards women and also just from conversation with other women. I totally used to think asking for consent “ruined the mood”, and now with more knowledge I think there are many ways to ask for consent in a sexy way.

My favourite is to play a slight d/s game and make someone tell me what they want using their words (i also like it used on me). It’s a bit of a tease but people like it. And you get enthusiastic consent (I consider begging to be pretty enthusiastic).

I think these women who are saying it ruined the mood have some shit to work through, because you should be encouraged to ask for consent.

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TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
yep. same experience, it’s very much a ‘don’t do as I say’ type of thing.

I see a lot of people online talking about this mythical woman who asks for consent, swaps std tests, uses condoms religiously, and and finds it ‘sexy’ but I have never ever encountered such a person in real life.

Who I do meet, is women who hate consent, hate condoms, and if you asked them for an std test they’d tell you to fuck yourself. And then I see them go on social media and post about this stuff like it’s gospel.

It’s almost as if what people say they want and what they actually do in real life is completely different.

I notice the same thing with ‘emotional intelligence’ trend going on lately. Everyone claims they are high EQ and demand a high EQ partner… and these are the same folks who throw a passive aggressive temper tantrums at you if you don’t reach for the check fast enough at the end of the date. It’s so insane who hypocritical it all is at the end of the day.

And the drippiest by far, since I am a straightforward and honest person, is getting told that being honest and straightforward is ‘manipulative’ or it’s a ‘strategy’ or something, because the concept of that is completely non-existent to them. They basically can’t ever be honest, so they think nobody else ever could be and I’ve had people straight up accusing me of lying when I’m telling the truth about like my intentions and desires in dating… like i say ‘i want kids’ and they hear ‘i am trying to manipulate you’.

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- FireRetardant@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I’m worried about the std thing myself. I keep going over in my head how to pitch it to my next partner. I went raw in my last partner and i know she got around. If she offered raw to me, she likely did it for others as well. Im probably gonna get a test done soon and be willing to get one again if they don’t believe i haven’t had other partners since that test.
  
  Its not even about blame its just about informed consent. Like a bad result isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker for me. I know i would feel terrible if i spread something. I think for most its an ignorance is bliss thing, if they don’t know they can ignore it and not take responsibility.
  
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  - TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    std stuff is not as black and white as folks thinks. you can have sex with an infected person and not get infected, and condoms aren’t perfect. etc.
    
    it’s really just a matter of luck. but in my own case, oftentimes it was ‘have sex with no condom, or don’t have sex’ and she was the one demanding it so I just went along with it. a couple of times, I did very much regret it, and got myself tested and didn’t sleep with other people until I was clean. But I can only control myself. i can’t control how other people behave.
    
    I’ve also dated a few people I insisted on using condoms with or not sleeping with them, because I was very confident they had an STD, given their self-reported behavior and drug use.
    
    Informed consent is great… but you are not going to get it in most cases. you will just get testimony of the person and you have to use your own judgement. I’ve never seen anyone else’s STD test in my entire life, and I’ve never had a date ask me for mine. And the couple of times I brought up the topic it was violently shouted down or otherwise basically told it was a forbidden topic to ever bring up.
    
    But online when I talk about this I get people lecturing me and flipping out at me and trying to get my comments removed as ‘hate’ because I don’t espouse this ideal scenario where we are swapping STD tests we just took two days ago and properly using condoms and dental dams and everything is this perfectly safe version of sex. I am confident that’ is just weirdos lying so they feel socially superior about it.
    
    IN fact a couple of folks who used to preach about safe sex endlessly on what subreddit I was on… were eventually outed from the community because they had dated raped other folks in the community… which tracks for me. They were preaching and preaching about consent and safe sex and in real life they were rapists.
    
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    FireRetardant@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    I’m too old and lonely to play that shit. If talking about safe sex is gonna be rejected like that I’m just gonna leave them. I’ll give em a chance to come around and maybe we can link up again in the future but if we can’t have that conversation, well i guess we won’t be having unprotected sex. Or more likely any sex at all.
    
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- Banana@sh.itjust.works ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  Just gonna say you have now encountered one. When I was single I was very big on consent, getting tested, and using condoms. Was very sexually active in my late teens (still am but LT relationship) and I never had an STI scare.
  
  I think you should keep asking for consent/still tests and using condoms because women are also relearning a lot of toxic shit just like you are. They’ll get there eventually. Women like me are out there, I think maybe less terminally online though.
  
  Anytime somebody’s talking about someone with a high or low social value my brain fuckin turns off lmao it’s so dumb. Connection is what we should be seeking. Social media, and by extension online dating, has poisoned a lot of people’s brains.
  
  My advice, don’t listen to these people and hold strong in your values and you will eventually sift through the shit and find somebody you have a connection with who finds it refreshing that youre honest or swap tests or ask for consent.
  
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