As someone that grew up with detached parents with whom I never had the relationship I wanted, I’ve come to recognize that it will never happen. My mother is now dead, and like my father, she lacked the capacity to engage in healthy relationships. The monologue in the “Free Churro” episode (S5E6) of Bojack Horseman really hits home for me, this point in particular:

I have this friend. And right around when I first met her, her dad died, and I actually went with her to the funeral. And months later, she told me that she didn’t understand why she was still upset, because she never even liked her father. It made sense to me, because I went through the same thing when my dad died. And I’m going through the same thing now. You know what it’s like? It’s like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just—it couldn’t put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that’s what losing a parent is like. It’s like Becker.

For anyone else in the same position, recognize that it is exceptionally difficult for people to change, and a necessary prerequisite is that they see change as necessary and want to change. Most are afraid of change and will never do it, to their detriment.