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Comment on Anon has a warning for incels

sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago

Oh sure, I just read it as validating self-destructive habits of “incels,” where they look for reasons to “justify” their victimhood. They jump to insane extremes, like saying, “I have to completely change everything about myself to get a GF/BF,” but honestly all it really takes is a little bit of confidence (going to meetups you’re interested in helps), practicing reasonable hygiene, and making yourself available.

No one deserves to partner with someone that later never showers and never leaves the house after they remove the mask of their true self.

Sure, but on the flip-side, finding someone you really care about does a lot to motivate you to change your habits to make sure they are comfortable being around you. The first step is finding someone you’re compatible with, and that is unlikely to happen without making an effort.

Don’t tell people to conform to combat loneliness

Right, and that’s not what I’m saying. Instead, I’m saying if you want a thing, there are certain expectations to get it. If you don’t want companionship, that’s totally fine. But if you do and you’re not getting it, there are certain things you need to do to improve your chances, and whining about it online while locking yourself up in your home isn’t it.

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lessthanluigi@lemmy.sdf.org ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
About the insane extremes incels jump to:

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j4k3@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
It is probably just a me thing, but I had a couple of times in my life where I was in the mindset of putting myself out there, and those were dark times. I never had good results. All of my good long term relationships came from times when I encountered someone adjacent to my other interests.

We are both likely grossly oversimplifying the spectrum of potential human experience. Like I can fake extraversion or play like other types of people than my true introverted self. If I keep my thoughts mostly to myself I become very mysterious to any potential partner because of my scope of hobbies and interests. However, I actually need someone that I can talk to openly and constructively across all of my interests, a person that has a similar scope of their own independent interests. That is something I have learned the hard way. I eventually end most long term relationships when I feel held back by what amounts to a muse. They end up limited to a chapter of my life but not a fully storied main character as I evolve.

Anyways, my point is that when I actively went looking with the purpose of meeting people, I had a terribly disappointing and depressing experience. Maybe an extrovert would have a different experience. To me, shopping for people in places where people shop will likely (stereotypically) yield a shopping type of person that will likely continue to shop or find an irresistible bargain at some point.

The best experiences I had were from those I met that were in coplanar orbits to some interest I had. What I really need has been someone motivated by slow persistent but insatiable curiosity and abstract awareness. I don’t know if I ever would have found such a person in my past life, but the feeling of being held back by someone that lacks the curiosity to grow in parallel with me is untenable and empirically worse than being alone.

It doesn’t matter now that I’m physically disabled with my specific limitations. I’m now content with being alone. I feel it would be unfair to force someone to watch me fall apart and die young due to the shell of who I am now after what I barely survived. This place, through the delay of typed thoughts, is the only place a simulacrum of my former self still exists through the haze of chronic sleep deprivation and pain. So I have no skin in the game, only a reflection on past life experiences free from the addiction of relationships.

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- sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
  
  All of my good long term relationships came from times when I encountered someone adjacent to my other interests.
  
  Well yeah, “putting yourself out there” doesn’t mean doing things you hate, it means doing things you like that involve other people, but forcing yourself to try doing them with unfamiliar people. If you like board games or whatever, look for a local group at the library or something. But you’re not going to meet new people to play with if you just sit at home.
  
  Don’t go to a dance club if you hate dancing, but that doesn’t mean you should just stay home.
  
  I actually need someone that I can talk to openly and constructively across all of my interests
  
  I don’t think you’ll ever find someone who matches you on all your interests, but hopefully you find someone who is willing to listen to you ramble on about them, and support you pursuing them. They’ll have their own interests as well and expect the same from you.
  
  My wife and I are both fairly introverted, and we met at a school dance that neither of us really wanted to attend. We awkwardly exchanged numbers, then texted for a bit before our first date, which was playing video games at my place. She beat me at a fighting game, and that’s how I knew it’d have a chance at working out. Nothing is perfect, but we have enough overlap to have something to talk about, along with separate interests. We both like video games, but she prefers team games (MMOs, games like REPO, etc), while I like SP games. She likes to paint and read romantic manga, I’m more into sci fi and fantasy novels. We both like movies and road trips, and we have a similar sense of humor.
  
  I sincerely believe you need just a bit of overlap to share common ground, with enough differences to keep things interesting.
  
  I’m now content with being alone.
  
  I hope you can find more than contentment. If not romance, at least a trusting friendship. Maybe you have that, idk, or maybe you’re happier than you’re letting on, my point is that I believe everyone deserves to be happy, but that often requires a bit of discomfort to “put yourself out there” and make it possible to find fulfilling companionship.
  
  Everyone is different of course, I just feel bad when I see someone blaming everyone else for their loneliness. That doesn’t seem to be the case for you, I’m more referring to the OP here (and honestly, most of my comment here is in that context).
  
  Anyway, finding a good fit is really hard, especially as you get older, since there are naturally fewer people available and everyone seems to be busy. Anyway, good luck with whatever fulfills you, and I hope something you or I wrote here helps someone.
  
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  - j4k3@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨weeks⁩ ago
    It is kinda hard to explain and grasp just how much I have and can adapt. Probably the best two examples are weight and religion. Only somewhere around 5% of people that are morbidly obese, and manage to lose that weight at some point, then manage to keep it off for over a decade.
    
    Very few people ever manage to grow their self awareness to the point of taking action to move away from their religion they were born into. Many people have various levels of engagement, but to actually logically break down and reason upon dogma and tribalism to the point of taking action for moral and ethical reasons is rare. I was never run a foul, offended, or wronged in some emotional way. Quite contrary I was exceptionally engaged, did a good bit if leading, and was well regarded. I know the information better than anyone else I have ever spoken to. When I asked questions, no one had substantive answers.
    
    When I get into a subject, or hobby I do so on a level that is very intense and unlike anyone I have met before. I may find a friend that meshes with that one interest, but I have never met people that cross different spaces. Like right now I am doing CAD every day. I make stuff that is very different than anything uploaded on thingiverse or printables, the two main 3d files sharing websites. I design stuff that is unlike anything I’ve ever seen elsewhere too. I mull over ideas for weeks. It is always on the back of my mind. I taught myself CAD and at an advanced level beyond what most hobbyists learn.
    
    The overall project I’m working on is for a GPU water cooler for my laptop. That in turn is for my custom agent framework in Emacs on Linux where I want to push my hardware to its limits. I got into AI after hitting a wall learning some of the material from the second year courses in computer science on my own. The agentic AI framework is basically a system to augment the LLM outputs with the materials I have in books I bought to follow along with the CS curriculum.
    
    Another major area I dive into from time to time is electronic circuit design. I know KiCAD well and have done some rather in depth reverse engineering projects with hardware too. I can design in analog or digital and have two tooling setups for toner transfer and photolithography etching to make my own circuit boards. Coding complexity is probably my biggest weakness in hardware.
    
    When I lost the weight, I did so as the most hardcore cyclist I have ever met. I rode in all weather. My first bike shop job was 66 miles every day round trip and I rode that for nearly 2 years. I also lead a shop ride out on most Saturday mornings, rode there and home too making that a 100+ mile day. I never had a week under 400 miles back then. I spent a lot of time on a bike. That is a chapter of my life. These are the things that define me. Holding me back from that kind of change is what I’m really talking about.
    
    I had a really bad heart issue in the middle of a Target store one evening around 2009 and decided I wanted to change because I was on the wrong path. Before that, I was the most hardcore car nut you would have ever met. I painted cars professionally, built motors, worked in a machine shop a couple of times, ported heads for nostalgia dragsters, and was into metal fab with mig stick and tig. I was very close to doing my own metal castings, and I got into making my own custom composite parts. I specialized in plastics and repairs on stuff that couldn’t be replaced with reproduction parts too. I was so into carburetors that I was studying WW2 aircraft engines.
    
    I can geek out about nearly anything. I have so many potential things I would love to explore but haven’t yet, like sewing and upholstery, sculpting, ceramics, radio, further into astronomy, radio controlled stuff, robotics and automation, homelab, FPGAs, jewelry making, mosaics, metrology, reverse engineering silicon, glass blowing, chemistry, organic chemistry, writing more science fiction, more fermentation stuff. There are so many cool things to get into and learn. I don’t expect anyone to have a list that matches mine. I expect someone to have a list in the first place. These things are exciting to me, they drive me, or rather the curiosity does. To some people I am tedious and boring, but that is how I feel about the stereotypical normal stuff most people are interested in or doing. I’m more than willing to do something like reshape my life because of stuff like cycling, but I would just as soon try something else with a friend or partner to better their lives in significant ways. I will gladly reshape my interests because there is no ego or narcissism underpinning any of this. I’m not naming stuff because I care how you perceive me. I don’t even think in a space like that naturally. If anything I’m hyper aware of my limitations and desire to learn more. I’m just driven by the curiosity but not like super actively either. It is a slow churn, like an unstoppable bulldozer a snail could outrun. Stand still long enough and I might grow past ya.
    
    So for me, meeting people is simply shifting my interests around. If I was not stuck with my physical limitations, pursuing any interest of mine that has a more balanced participation between the sexes will put me on a course that intersects with at least another long term muse. My problem is that I may learn pottery, but when that moves to sintering and metal casting followed by a deep dive into CNC machining, do they follow or complain about something tedious. What about when I decide to build an EDM machine to take it a step further or I shift gears and get into music for awhile building guitar effects or amps or some analog synthesizer stuff, or writing, or airbrush graphics, or get into criterium racing. I’m not ADHD or OCD at all. I spend months to years on these things exploring them in depth.
    
    So that is why it seems silly to go looking for someone instead of turning inwards first. Of all of my facets, companionship is not a dedicated curiosity or interest. There are many aspects of relationships I find curious and engage with in practice, but this game of hide and seek courtship rituals with perspective strangers is not at all interesting to me.
    
    The part that is hard to understand about who I am now is that I am limits by posture. Sitting up or standing hurts like lifting weights in a gym where you’re going to fail. The moment I’m upright I have around 15 minutes of a clear head, 30 until I degrade significantly, and within 1 hour I’m unable to mentally function at competent levels and highly irritable. Anything over 1 hour will begin impacting my sleep beyond 24 hours. By around 3 hours, it will take me a week to fully recover to a consistent circadian rhythm. It compounds worse for subsequent days of activities or random injuries that occur around once or twice a month. I appear fine other than a little limp in my gate and I can fake that if I try. Sitting in a restaurant with a date, I am just not me. I can do a lot to mask just how much pain I am in but it is miserable, and conversationally I’m not myself. To speak my mind openly, I need to be lying down and without a lot of stress beforehand. So I exist in this homebound prison. I have nothing to offer anyone anyways. And I have had to come to terms with that. Most of me died, only a shell survived. I cannot change that so I make the best of what I have.
    
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