Comment on Anon has a warning for incels
j4k3@lemmy.world 2 days ago
why label and tribalism. just be you and do you things and if that intersects with someone else or not, who cares, you’re just you as your true self. Leaving that space to find someone is silly nonsense that probably won’t work out well because that person is not the real you. Pursue your curiosities until it takes you to your happy place
sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 2 days ago
Idk, if “doing you” means never leaving home, you’re not getting chances to actually find someone that you intersect with. You do need to make a conscious effort to put yourself out there so you have those chances, and you should put some effort into improving your confidence to maximize your chances. Don’t change who you are to please someone, but do shower and put on a clean shirt.
j4k3@lemmy.world 2 days ago
Not really the point of what I am saying. I am speaking for the other person too without bias or assumptions and I am not pushing anyone to conform to some stereotype. If you’re happy wearing dirty shirts, not showering, and staying at home, that is perfectly valid. You can and should just be yourself. If you feel the need to be someone else or wear any mask of assumption or conformity, you’re potentially hurting someone else and offering a fake version of yourself. If you’re lonely, pursue your curiosity in spaces where other people interact. Don’t just go to where you might find people. You do not exist in that space; that is not you. On a subtle non obvious level, going to a space for not you reasons like this is predatory.
I am actually saying, you’re allowed to be happy or content with whatever state of self awareness and intelligent engagement you push yourself to achieve. The pursuit of raw self motivated curiosity is the only way to expand self awareness from within and grow. When motivated purely from within one’s self, one will eventually achieve one’s true potential while being true to self.
No one deserves to partner with someone that later never showers and never leaves the house after they remove the mask of their true self.
So you see, I’m saying the same thing but with the nuance of the best interests of all parties involved. Don’t tell people to conform to combat loneliness. Make an attempt to inspire their curiosity and self growth if you feel like you’ve spotted some inadequacy, but ultimately let them be themselves so that they are not masking to hurt someone else.
Relationships certainly can and do change people, but let those that want to change someone find their query in the true depths of the coal mine if they choose lest they unwittingly find themselves on an impossible journey to the center of the Earth.
sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 2 days ago
Oh sure, I just read it as validating self-destructive habits of “incels,” where they look for reasons to “justify” their victimhood. They jump to insane extremes, like saying, “I have to completely change everything about myself to get a GF/BF,” but honestly all it really takes is a little bit of confidence (going to meetups you’re interested in helps), practicing reasonable hygiene, and making yourself available.
Sure, but on the flip-side, finding someone you really care about does a lot to motivate you to change your habits to make sure they are comfortable being around you. The first step is finding someone you’re compatible with, and that is unlikely to happen without making an effort.
Right, and that’s not what I’m saying. Instead, I’m saying if you want a thing, there are certain expectations to get it. If you don’t want companionship, that’s totally fine. But if you do and you’re not getting it, there are certain things you need to do to improve your chances, and whining about it online while locking yourself up in your home isn’t it.
j4k3@lemmy.world 2 days ago
It is probably just a me thing, but I had a couple of times in my life where I was in the mindset of putting myself out there, and those were dark times. I never had good results. All of my good long term relationships came from times when I encountered someone adjacent to my other interests.
We are both likely grossly oversimplifying the spectrum of potential human experience. Like I can fake extraversion or play like other types of people than my true introverted self. If I keep my thoughts mostly to myself I become very mysterious to any potential partner because of my scope of hobbies and interests. However, I actually need someone that I can talk to openly and constructively across all of my interests, a person that has a similar scope of their own independent interests. That is something I have learned the hard way. I eventually end most long term relationships when I feel held back by what amounts to a muse. They end up limited to a chapter of my life but not a fully storied main character as I evolve.
Anyways, my point is that when I actively went looking with the purpose of meeting people, I had a terribly disappointing and depressing experience. Maybe an extrovert would have a different experience. To me, shopping for people in places where people shop will likely (stereotypically) yield a shopping type of person that will likely continue to shop or find an irresistible bargain at some point.
The best experiences I had were from those I met that were in coplanar orbits to some interest I had. What I really need has been someone motivated by slow persistent but insatiable curiosity and abstract awareness. I don’t know if I ever would have found such a person in my past life, but the feeling of being held back by someone that lacks the curiosity to grow in parallel with me is untenable and empirically worse than being alone.
It doesn’t matter now that I’m physically disabled with my specific limitations. I’m now content with being alone. I feel it would be unfair to force someone to watch me fall apart and die young due to the shell of who I am now after what I barely survived. This place, through the delay of typed thoughts, is the only place a simulacrum of my former self still exists through the haze of chronic sleep deprivation and pain. So I have no skin in the game, only a reflection on past life experiences free from the addiction of relationships.
lessthanluigi@lemmy.sdf.org 2 days ago
About the insane extremes incels jump to:
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