Comment on Anon touches grass
HalfSalesman@lemm.ee 2 weeks agoTalking to people doesn’t make me a better person. It makes me mask and feel further alienation. (Though yes, being completely alone is awful so I still socialize.)
And I can’t talk to a therapist for many many reasons.
Soup@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
The first day at the gym is the hardest, but without any other context I will take your word for it. For most people, though, that is the way.
For me, I’m pretty ADHD with definitely some other shit mixed in and I’ve just come to accept that many people are not worth it. That said, so many people are and it just takes finding them. I was lucky to not get traumatized into masking as a child, though, and while it makes working with emotionally bankrupt engineers tricky I can at least survive out in the world in the context of making friends.
I’m curious what a “personality gym” would do for you, as you brought it up. At some point you’d be aiming to take those skills outside, right, so would it be in preparation for the going out and talking to people part? Or would you like to have a personality in isolation and at that point why the gym?
HalfSalesman@lemm.ee 2 weeks ago
I suppose I’d like to have the happy carefree loving energy that people naturally gravitate towards and it to be earnest (rather than it being a mask or something). I’d want to be a normie.
Even more I wish to basically be a himbo. People love himbos. But I’d have to become dumber, less judgemental, and more confident in myself. Someone who believes in astrology/spirituality because everyone else around them believes in it. Someone who’s not anxious about politics all the fucking time.
Like, I want to be a different and happier person. Maybe its a “grass is always greener” situation.
Soup@lemmy.world 1 week ago
Hell yea dude, I so 100% understand that.
When I found that I was being judgemental and closed(and a bit of a stick in the mud, if I’m honest) I just tried to practice doing more “yes, and” stuff. It may be different for you but for me I realized that a lot of what was holding me back was plain old insecurity. I was simply afraid of being vulnerable to that level and so terrified of the chance someone would try to use any error I might make against me that I would get defensive when someone felt at least safe enough to try to give some feedback.
Being authentic is hard at first because it requires being vulnerable and, friend, I so get why that’s easier said than done. I’d worry less about being something so set-in-stone like a himbo and more about remembering that you’re allowed to be more than a mold filler. Like when you see a character who’s normally a little silly step aside with another and drop some calm wisdom and you go “oh, this person is more than their trope” or when the normally crazy barbarian type character shows softness when it’s needed. It’s situational, ya know? It’s not masking to turn down one knob and turn up the other when it’s appropriate.
The best part is that even if you strike out making friends or whatever you can at least say that you were a good, authentic person during it all. No one can ever take that away from you but you, and you control you.
—
It’ll be hard at first, to take what may feel like such a big risk, but I believe in ya and I can tell you genuinely care so you’ll get it for sure. Start small and build up and you’ll get there sooner than you think :)
HalfSalesman@lemm.ee 1 week ago
Vulnerability is definitely something I am not able to do without rumination or severe anxiety later. I usually only reveal my deeper thoughts when I’m seriously drunk. It feels great in the moment, but then the next day I worry I came off like a nutcase (because I probably did) and agonize over it.
Normally I am very “survivalist” minded in my social interactions and I’ve been so for a very long time. I’ve gotten extremely good at it, so good that I’ve kind of forgotten who I really am to a degree.
I’m good at masking with significant charisma with preparation/rehearsal/caffeine for some amount of time. Though I have “high highs and low lows” on charisma. 95% of the time I’ll ace it and people will like me, other 5% of times I come off like an unhinged weirdo, robot, or alien. Usually when I’m socially burnt out or the opposite, socially starved/desperate.
sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 1 week ago
Why tho?
The best way to be happy, IMO, is to find people with similar interests, and ideally a good variety of different types of people that share your interests (i.e. don’t hyper-focus on one). Maybe you’re into board games, so look around for some board game groups (library, meetup, etc). If you go that route, make sure to practice a bit of restraint until you find a good group you can vibe with (e.g. don’t take it ultra seriously if others aren’t), which may not be the first or even fifth group you play with. Or maybe you’re into cheese making or carpentry. Or maybe you just want to try those things out. There are groups for pretty much every interest in most metro areas, so look around.
Some tips:
There’s no simple solution here, but trying out a bunch of different groups and going slow can certainly help. I had two roommates who were on the autism spectrum, and one had a very healthy social life while the other was largely a recluse. The one with a healthy social life was upfront about being neurodivergent (and asked for help navigating social situations), careful about exposing too much at once (took us months to realize we were all into GZDoom), and generally took good care of themselves. They also had confidence, but that comes from practice, and it’ll be hard at first. We tried our best to get the recluse to join our groups, and we were somewhat successful, but at the end of the day he just didn’t put in the effort.
I don’t know what specific issues you have, so I don’t know if any of this will help. But hopefully you’ll find it’s worth a try.
HalfSalesman@lemm.ee 1 week ago
I got the basics covered, in fact I tend to be fairly anxiety riddled about making sure I meet bare minimum expectations if I go out of my way to socialize. I only really let myself go (in multiple ways) when I’m depressed. Which admittedly I probably am right now.
Its funny you mention board games. I’m actually not super into board games on an intrinsic level unless its a supremely nerdy/crunchy game. I get very meticulous/competitive/analytical/meta-gamey but I do go to casual board game meet ups anyway because its “fun enough” and I can socialize occasionally.
I think though you hit on a key element: I don’t live in a metro area. I live in a rural hellscape, and commute into a small city. And for a number of reasons I tend to not socialize after work and instead head straight home. I’m usually tired after work and I worry about driving home later than that potentially and driving exhausted. (45 minute commute)