God damn it, that’s the third one this week lost to the sex cult.
Please I’m begging you, teach me this art. I’m begging you! Please!
okwhateverdude@lemmy.world 1 day ago
HappycamperNZ@lemmy.world 1 day ago
We have a cult?!? Fuck yeah, sign me up.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
I’m not sure I can.
Reason being that you have to start paying attention to your arousal stages. I can’t see you, and am not willing to watch a stranger masturbate on cam, so the best I can do is to link to the Wikipedia on Arousal cycles and advise you to go very slowly.
See, a lot of what happens during the plateau segment of arousal is involuntary. Not all of it though. More importantly, you can kinda hijack some involuntary actions of the body by changing semi involuntary activity like breathing. You can’t underestimate how much you can do simply by using breath control
Controlling your breathing influences heart rate, blood pressure, brain waves, digestion, all kinds of things that we can’t just change by thinking about it. But, because we can control our breathing, we can change things indirectly
Then, when you start paying attention to how evert part of the arousal cycles feels, rather than just enjoying it, or trying to get to orgasm as the goal, you start connecting to the things you can control directly as well as being able to apply breathing and meditative techniques to influence the involuntary parts.
Take as an example the spasms of the pelvis that occur during orgasm. Those muscles can be contracted voluntarily. That’s called a kegal exercise. Doing those exercises is one part of the process. As you learn to do that, you also learn what the precursor sensations are. When you’re approaching orgasm, you’ll feel those muscles start to “tingle”, for lack of a better term. It isn’t actual contractions, it’s the muscles getting increased blood flow, and the nervous system priming them.
That signal is just one that you have to not only learn to identify, but learn how to both stop and eventually put on hold. Stopping is easy enough, you just contract them voluntarily. That’s one of the ways people delay ejaculation in the first place. If you’re getting close but your partner isn’t, contracting those muscles and not relaxing them puts a stop to the incipient orgasm for a while. With enough practice, you can delay orgasm and ejaculation almost indefinitely (with caveats, which would be at least three paragraphs and nobody likes reading on screen like this, so I won’t add stress to my fingers doing it lol).
That single step allows you to eventually learn how to identify and control the triggering of the prostate and testicles that leads to ejaculation. Then, you can learn how to disconnect those triggers from the orgasm itself. They aren’t the same thing, but they’re linked via the nervous system.
That link is what allows you to use breath control and meditative techniques to isolate them and hold one or the other back.
Usually, what happens is that you’ll hold off ejaculation and enjoy the orgasm. Sometimes without ejaculating at all. But, you can do it the other way, where you’ll hold off the general orgasm but still have the release of semen. If you look up “ruined orgasm”, you can see that the two aren’t perfectly synced in the first place. Just by ceasing stimulation, it’s possible to ejaculate but miss the burst of pleasure that accompanies orgasm.
Doing it voluntarily, under control means that not only will you ejaculate without orgasm, but you’ll maintain arousal, keep your erection, and be able to keep going without the hypersensitivity that occurs post orgasm (insert when you nut but she ain’t stop meme here). The thing is that unless you’re one of those guys that cam ejaculate and do so again quickly, chances are that you won’t be able to also enjoy another ejaculation with orgasm later. Doing it the other way around, by delaying ejaculation but experiencing orgasm, you end up being able to have multiple orgasms and then still enjoy ejaculation with orgasm as a finale.
Some of the methodology of doing all that is part of tantric sex practices. Indeed, that’s where anyone interested should start looking. It’s the easiest path to learning the sex specific aspects of breath control and body awareness. That’s compared to learning it as a general meditative practice and then applying that to the sex part of things.
It is also much easier to learn all of it while masturbating rather than during sex. Even if you’re having sex with someone that’s practicing their own tantric goals, and is willing to work on yours, there’s a delay between you sensing an event, saying something, them hearing it and then altering their activities. It’s a split second between the sensation and them stopping, but that’s how long a trigger can take. You can go from on the edge of transition into orgasm to orgasm in maybe a quarter second.
Even if you’re receiving oral, and they pull off entirely, there’s still a good second or two before they’re off. With vaginal or anal stimulation, you/they may not be able to withdraw in time, and it is very difficult to stop that orgasm when you still have someone wrapped around your cock, no matter how still they are. It’s still stimulation. Until you get the process down, that stimulation is going to progress the arousal cycles. So masturbation gives your the most ability to totally stop external stimulation in a split second.
Another benefit of all of it, for some people, is what’s called a hands free orgasm. It’s possible to use nothing but muscle control, imagination, and practice to have an orgasm (almost always with ejaculating, it isn’t realistic to separate them when you’re using the same techniques and muscles to get there as you would to separate them) without your genitals being touched by anything but air. I’ve never been able to do that reliably though.
You see what I mean? This stuff isn’t friendly to forum comment communication. It’s not even book friendly because so much of it is internal, and even someone in person is going to struggle to guide you without also participating. Like, you can feel a lot of the events as they occur if you’re touching someone’s genitals. You can feel some of it internally if you’ve got a finger in contact with their prostate. Mind you, I’ve never taught another guy; that’s based on my partners wanting to understand the process when they don’t understand how I can have an orgasm but not ejaculate.
Tangentially, women are surprisingly resistant to the idea sometimes. Some entirely refuse to believe that not only can men separate the two, but that we can have multiple orgasms without ejaculating.
I guess three summary is that you’d have to find books about tantric sex to get started, and combine it with knowledge of the arousal cycle in yourself
GrammarPolice@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I was expecting some one or two sentences about breath control and kegels - which you did include. But i wasn’t expecting a whole fucking essay. I’m going to take all you’ve said and put the effort in. This genuinely seems like legit advice.
lightnsfw@reddthat.com 1 day ago
I figured out how to orgasm without ejaculating or at least hold most of it back when I was in college. My girlfriend at the time and I would go 4-5 times a night sometimes. It was pretty great. Unfortunately she was crazy and no one I’ve been with since then has had the drive to repeat that. It makes me sad sometimes to think about how much I’ve missed out on because I couldn’t find a compatible partner.
jagged_circle@feddit.nl 1 day ago
Yeah that’s a keeper.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 1 day ago
Thanks :)
It’s genuinely nice to know someone gets something out of it
irreticent@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I learned a lot too, thanks!
Maldreamer@lemmy.world 1 day ago
You mentioned some caveats while holding off, could you elaborate on that when you are free or provide a link to which I can read.
southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 23 hours ago
Gotcha :)
The biggest one is called epididymal hypertension. Aka the blue balls. It’s a real thing. While it can’t cause injury, and it isn’t the end of the world, it hurts lol.
The process of holding off ejaculation builds up the pressure that causes the pain. Given enough time, it’s not a matter of if, but when it will happen.
There’s the difficulty that part of arousal is mental. In theory, you can go indefinitely. In practice, you can run into limits because you’re losing interest. You just lose the erection entirely.
That, in turn, can lead to what I’ve heard called “sad cock syndrome”. Again, part of arousal and sex is mental. Your head game isn’t just about oral sex. If your mind isn’t present and engaged, the junk isn’t going to last. You can end up where not orgasming, or not ejaculating without intervention can become a mental block of sorts. Your subconscious gets the idea that sex or masturbation isn’t going to pay off soon enough, so it ends up just deciding to opt out.
In other words, it can end up where you accidentally convince part of your mind that getting an erection is a waste of time. Yeah, you’ll still get erections when asleep, and even orgasm then. But when awake, the sad cock refuses to crow.
Now, I’ve never had that happen myself. Nor have any of the guys I know that can do all this. But I have heard of it happening. In general, the process of learning to control your breathing and the related meditative skills gives you the inner balance that your subconscious won’t be that separate from your intent. But not everyone spends as much time on the inner growth as they do on the bare minimum to achieve their sexual goals.
Tangential to that, you run into issues with partners. Masturbation, you can go as long as your skin can take. But when you’re with another person, lasting too long is a thing. Not everyone enjoys hours of sex. Certainly not every single time. Some can’t handle even an hour of actual penis in body sex before they’re sore, or rubbed raw. When that’s the case, it’s wise to have also figured out how to accelerate orgasm (which is easy enough since you’ll array already know how if you paid attention to your arousal stages while learning to delay. It’s just using the muscles and breathing to generate the kind of spasms of orgasm under control and then letting them spread from there once the right phase of arousal is present).
There’s also a bit of a transitional phase sometimes. You’ll be coasting along, doing the muscle control parts, but because you aren’t used to it, you kind of wear them out. It’s like doing a bunch of bench presses and then your arms turn to rubber. The muscles just nope out until they recover. That means you’re there, hard and ready, but you can’t orgasm or ejaculate because the muscles down there are exhausted. That goes away as you develop stamina with them, but there were many times that happened to me lol.