I have a lottery ticket and I am certain it’s the winner, this time. As part of the requisite fantasizing and planning, my dream home requires a dream bathroom. I know exactly what to get for everything in and outside the house, but one need has stumped me. The bidets. While each toilet will have a bidet, the master bedroom requires the ultimate bidet experience and I can find nothing on the market at any price that meets my needs.

I want something as comfortable as a Star Trek captain’s chair so I can shit all day long while shitposting on lemmy. Then I want to flush and complete the exorcism. Then I want the equivalent of a touchless carwash. Zero TP. Regardless of the size or nature of the klingon threat, I want left and/or right arm controls to manage water temperature, water volume, spray type (single spray vs showerhead multispout with constant stream vs pulse), water pressure and water direction with controllable integrated soap into the cleansing spray and a fully programmable drier with controls for air temp, air volume and velocity direction and duration. It needs to get men’s and womens junk in the front too. Safely, no damage or discomfort.

At the end a programmable optional mist of moisturizers and/or perfumes is the chefs kiss.

All of this must be manually configurable including duration of each element, and once you find the right combination, can be preprogrammed into a one button luxury shitsperience. It should have programs for normal shits, peanut butter shits, high-speed liquid shits, the ring of fire, foamy shits, green shits, brick shits and explosive shits with napalm. Basically a lifetime’s worth of shit varietals.

Not only do you only have to sit once and go from posessed by demons to angelically clean and fresh, it is completely touchless. You only have the armrest consoles to control and select your shitsperience. Naturally everything is overbuilt and made to last with impeccable materials and quality.

This is the dream, can anyone recommend anything that comes even close to this? Do I have to hire machinists and engineers to make this hapoen as a custom one off. I would think some Royal family has already solved for this and I’m just not searching dor the right terms on the web.

Please help.