I don’t know if this is normal or not because when I was a little girl I had a difficult childhood, and I was diagnosed with depression when I was 12. The depression seems to be gone now, but what seems to be lingering is this “blindfolded on a rollercoaster” feeling. It’s where I get mood swings that last only a few hours at most, and after the mood swing has ended I’m back to normal like nothing happened. My opinions of myself and world views will change just as rapidly and I’m basically having this constant battle with an inner voice that’s in my head constantly telling me conflicting things.

“Adults who cry need to grow the hell up” “crying is a mature and healthy way to express sadness” “no it’s not, if I see even a family member who is crying over someone dying I’ll tell them to grow the hell up and walk out the room smiling because I’m right” “no that’s terrible, you should be compassionate to your fellow human beings”

“You’re a bad person, you deserve bad things happening to you, stop trying to be good” “you’re a good person you deserve to enjoy things and feel happy”

“You don’t deserve to have a boyfriend, imagine him having to put up with your shit” “you deserve to have a boyfriend, you need someone to love and keep you company”

This always results in confusion, like I don’t know who or what I am, and then I get angry. No joke, I’ve thrown and broken things during this. Sometimes, my inner voice tells me I’m stupid or slow. So then I’ll think “you think I’m slow? I’ll prove you fckin wrong.” I then speed things up and rush things which sometimes causes accidents.

I feel like I’m constantly being harassed by my inner voice and I don’t know which side is the real me. Whenever I tell people about how my inner voice is, they just look at me weird like “huh”, so I get the impression that this is normal and I just suck at dealing with it.