Where is the line between being yourself and trying to change?

Submitted ⁨⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago⁩ by ⁨FatTony@lemm.ee⁩ to ⁨[deleted]⁩

This will probably be my last question here (at least for a while). My last two questions were about flirting and expressing romantic interest to someone. In short in was a mixture of: ‘Flirting is important.’ and ‘Just be yourself.’

I want to give flirting a proper, respectable shot. I want to see if this is something I can develop and get creative with.

At the same time I’m also hearing I should just be myself and let it be natural. Well, I never flirt, ever. So if I do, it will not be natural nor count as being myself.

So what should I do? What does it mean to be yourself?

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rikudou@lemmings.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
You are “being yourself” as long as what you do is what you want to do.

If you want to start flirting because you think you’d feel better, then it’s you being yourself.

If you do it because you think peers/society/whoever wants you to be like that, you’re not being yourself.

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- FatTony@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
  I think, I’m somewhere in the middle of all that. I’m fine with flirting, I’m more or less indifferent about it. But if it wasn’t as important as people say it is, I don’t think I would do it, just to be safe.
  
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  - GlassHalfHopeful@lemmy.ca ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
    Safe from what?
    
    And who says it’s important?
    
    Communication is important, but how you do that is always going to vary. “Flirting” is just one way to communicate.
    
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Azzu@lemm.ee ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
As others have said, flirting is a “natural”, risk-free way to show sexual interest in someone.

I’m autistic and basically can’t do it. So I just go up to people I find attractive, and say “hey I think you’re cute, I’d like to get to know you better, would you also like that?” or some variation of this. Most of the time it doesn’t work, but quite evidently by what is lying next to me, it works sometimes.

Being yourself is not about not doing the things that are required to reach your goals. You still need to do them, i.e. express sexual interest. What is meant is that you need to figure out a way to do the things that are necessary to reach your goal in a way that you can actually learn to do.

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partial_accumen@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago

So, what should I do? What does it mean to be yourself, while trying to change?

Do you normally wear giant purple fluffy hats with large feathers protruding out of them? Probably not. If you knew that the girl you were interested in specifically liked seeing giant purple fluffy hats with large feathers protruding out of them, would you acquire such a hat at approach her claiming the hat is honestly part of your normal wardrobe? Your answer should also be no.

Being yourself means not try to act like someone you aren’t to try to appeal to someone else. The main reason is that its not really a reflection of who you are, and if the girl is successfully attracted to you when you something fake, its not you they are attracted to, its the fake thing. So thats the “be yourself” part.

Now the “while trying to change” part. You don’t have to have a laundry list of your faults ready to rattle off to the girl you’re talking to for the very first time. However, as the relationship progresses, you can start to be honest about some shortcomings you have of yourself, and your actions to try to improve. Something like “By this age I should be able to pay all my bills on time, but just this last month I paid the electric bill two days late even though I had the money already. Its something I’m working on. A year ago every single one of my bills was late and my water was almost shut off from non-payment. I’m happy with my progress, but I’m not at the finish line yet”.

A note for the “trying to change”: That part should never end in your life. You should constantly try to be better version of yourself (as you define it). It doesn’t mean you should require yourself to have massive successes in life year after year, that’s just not realistic. The path should always be toward “better” though. Again, “better” is however you define it (this is part of “being yourself”). While an obvious goal might be graduating from college, another equally valid goal could be to commit and follow through practicing the guitar for 30 minutes a week, or possibly even never leaving your socks on the floor. Life will come at you and knock you down sometimes, and that may affect the short term results of your “no left out socks” goal, but its important to stand up again and get back on track.

You’ll get older and what is important will change for you too. You get to constantly re-adjust what your goals are. This is the fun part of life! Your goals are your own. What you choose has a feedback loop of defining and reinforcing the “being yourself” part.

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Rhynoplaz@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
People may define it differently, but when I think of flirting, it’s merely letting someone know that you’re interested in them. It doesn’t have to be licking your lips and winking from across the room.

Just straight up saying “I’m interested in you” is still flirting, and if something like that feels more natural than puffing out your chest and gyrating your hips, then that’s how you flirt and still be yourself.

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GlassHalfHopeful@lemmy.ca ⁨3⁩ ⁨days⁩ ago
“Being yourself” does not preclude personal development. It’s not in our best interest to be the same forever. Personal growth and learning new skills, even something like flirting, is part of becoming a more well-rounded version of yourself.

Thing is, flirting isn’t something you need to master or even be great at. As a matter of fact, being “terrible” at flirting can be just as effective.

The goal of flirting is to engage in social interaction that expresses interest and attraction.

You aren’t trying to change your personality, but rather get better at communicating. “Flirting” builds rapport, gauges interest, and creates emotional or romantic connections. It can be a fun and lighthearted way to engage with others, but that isn’t the point.

Honestly, I think you’re putting too much pressure on yourself with all the thought you’re giving it. You probably shouldn’t even call it flirting. Put that notion aside. Focus on intentionally communicating your interest.

If you’re interested in a person, then find ways to express that. It can be light-hearted and flirtatious, but like I said, being terrible at flirting works too. So do it terribly. You’ll eventually figure out what doesn’t help communicate your intent. Flirting is a gentle and indirect way of expressing that intent. Many people are simply more direct and it works for them. That may be better for you as well.

Regardless of what you do, be respectful. Be playful if you want. But most importantly, communicate your intent and desire.

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