As a kid I was the weird one. It wasn’t my physical attraction, it was just my personality. I’m adhd as fuck and maybe also autistic, so I was hyper around others and couldn’t really read situations/know when to stop talking. I got excluded more times than I can count because of that stuff. These days it feels like my social “success” comes from me muting myself and not having a good time.
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dharmacurious@slrpnk.net 2 weeks agoI can. Been there. Couple times. My foster brother and I used to hang out with a bunch of other kids from ages 8-14, and whenever someone had a bright idea for a game like that, completely unprompted would come “but I’m not kissing Dharmacurious.” Shut fucking hurt. I never asked to play those games, never tried to join in. Would try my best to excuse myself before someone suggested a game like that. I didn’t have my first kiss until years and years and years after I lost my virginity, because I only ever did hookups with random strangers online, because I never felt like I was even capable of being desired in anyway other than a quick lay. Being ugly sucks. It truly, honestly does. I shower religiously, I brush my teeth (which, somehow, I still managed to get fucked in that department). Still, I send a picture online, blocked. I’m not an Incel or anything, I don’t think I’m owed a damn thing, it’s just the reality of the situation. I’m a fun, interesting person, with a good sense of humor, thick skin, intelligent, caring, loyal to a fault, and all the other things my shrink has helped me realize. But no one gets to know that, because there has to be some physical attraction for someone to want to get to that point. Can’t fault em for that. But being a bridge troll is lonely, and it sucks. And up thread someone suggested they should shower. That’s a fucked up thing to say, you don’t know their life. And I know green text=fiction, but this one rings fucking true for some of us.
hex@programming.dev 2 weeks ago
dharmacurious@slrpnk.net 2 weeks ago
I’m sort of the opposite, honestly. People tend to like my personality, but I get a sort of “villagers with pitchforks” reactions to my appearance. Haha. It’s incredible how judgemental the world the is, and how you have to meet so many expectations to get through it. Any little thing off in the wrong direction and you can kiss that traditional life plan goodbye.
What kind of things do you enjoy that you’re unable to engage in to have a good time?
hex@programming.dev 2 weeks ago
I hear you, man. I’ve found that you just gotta find the right people. After meeting some people where I truly feel like I can be myself, I am now healing. I still struggle to like myself at times, but having people that love me helps.
It’s not exactly what I enjoy that I can’t do, it’s just a general energy/enthusiasm switch. If I’m having a really good time, I usually make lots of comments, can be annoying to other people. I can also get very energetic or silly at times, or heated/invested in a discussion (basically an intensity problem). Unless they see through this and understand my core, they will always be annoyed and put off by that aspect of myself. It’s hard to explain and is something I need to talk to my therapist a lot more about, lol.
Have you made many friends without face-to-face? Like, online friends, phone talking friends, etc? I imagine that’s a good way to find real ones.
dharmacurious@slrpnk.net 2 weeks ago
silly at times
That’s one I can’t do. I feel like I have to be stoic all the time in person, because I’m a big guy, and I’m unattractive so I have to maintain something to be, idk, respected? I have to really know a person before I can allow myself to be silly around them. My last “boyfriend” cemented that in, too. He dumped me and said he couldn’t deal with the “cutesy shit” took me a while to get past that one. Not the guy, so much. I felt like I had found something I never thought I’d have, and then ending it by saying that… Cut deep.
And I’m lucky on the friend front. I have a lot of long term friendships online, but I also have a few very close IRL friends, and I’m extremely close with my family.
Do you have anyone you can be passionate about things with?
Dyskolos@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
I’m sorry random Internet stranger. Kids are brutal and can surely crush anyone’s ego without hesitation. And people telling you “to shower more” are just idiots with a nematode’s mental capacity and the emotional spectrum of a black&white-tv that’s out of black.
I don’t know anything about your environment, but you will find that special someone. Most likely when you least expect it. With those mentioned qualities you’re a steal. I, personally, would totally prefer a bridge-troll (your words) with character and true values over any empty peacock. The older i got the more obvious that became.
I hope you’ll find your lady. Everyone deserves to be loved. And your chances are way better being a troll than bring rich. That’s a positive hm? 😉