He also raised me on Star Trek, if that helps bring it back to why I’m here.
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Hobbes@startrek.website 1 month ago
Just as an aside, my dad died horribly after 6 months of cancer gradually destroying him and everything he’d worked so hard for. He was one of the most fit people I knew until that. He grew up skiing and was a junior patroller at 15 in colorado. By the time I was born, he was patrolling as a doctor and took me everywhere he could, and when he couldn’t, he just told me to go to the patrol shack and wait. Anyways, I was with him for those last 6 months, but I curled up in a ball and did nothing to try to make his doctors do anything or find alternative treatment options like the Mayo clinic. I just curled up in a ball of fear and anxiety and did nothing. I was just paralyzed. My dad would have gone to the ends of the earth for me, and I didn’t even try to save him. I don’t know how to live with that.
Hobbes@startrek.website 1 month ago
Hobbes@startrek.website 1 month ago
I don’t know why I’m sharing this. I am just a piece of shit and sorry for contaminating a good ST thread with my own BS
nilaus@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Sorry for you loss. It sounds like you did excatly what you should. Be there by his side. It is up to the patient, with the doctor to decide what treatment to persue, and sound like your dad was more than capable of that. You were there to support him and give him comfort. You should be proud of how you held on through extremely tough times! And now coming out on the other side, do not be afraid to talk about it. Your feelings are valid.
Hope you heal well my friend! Live long and prosper.
Hobbes@startrek.website 1 month ago
Thank you for your kind words.
Teal@lemm.ee 1 month ago
Scans are showing no signs of contamination, Hobbes. ❤️🩹
Flyberius@hexbear.net 1 month ago
I have a similar experience with my dad. However whilst I did nothing, my sister did. The result was that my dad suffered a very long time, and eventually ended up locked in, unable to communicate, before we eventually pulled the plug. Bring locked in was his worst fear. The last conscious communication my dad had with me was him staring into my eyes and shaking his head, unable to speak because of all the pipes down his throat, in his lungs and his stomach. Bags of piss and blood hooked up to his bladder. He wanted to die and we wouldn’t let him.
Do not beat yourself up over this. Regret is a terrible thing.
Please don’t blame yourself buddy.
As a side note, my dad also got me into star trek.
Hobbes@startrek.website 1 month ago
I’m so sorry. Thank you for taking the time to share and for your kind words.
paddirn@lemmy.world 1 month ago
Sorry for your loss. Unless you were going to work out a cure for cancer on your own, there was nothing you could’ve done, except just be there. My Dad died about four years ago now after he had a massive stroke, he was in hospice for about a week or two. And all I could do the whole time was just sit there and watch my Dad die in front of me. Him physically dying was a release more than anything, mentally though I think he had been gone awhile before that. He had had a previous stroke two years earlier and little by little parts of his personality started dying off. By the time his body died, the person I’d known my whole life had already been gone, he was just a shell. It was like watching him die in slow motion, little by little, day by day.
Hobbes@startrek.website 1 month ago
I seriously appreciate your response and your willingness to be vulnerable in sharing your own loss. I am sorry. I’m so deep in sadness that I am having a hard time processing anything.
Hobbes@startrek.website 1 month ago
I didn’t fight for him. I didn’t even try. When I called his oncology doctor and left a message, I heard back from a nurse and got no information. And further, the nurse said tzxhat the doctor doesn’t speak with family of patients and wouldn’t be calling me back. I should have taken my rage at that obviously fucked response and done something, whether it be forcing him to talk to me, or finding another oncologist. But I didn’t. I just receded into myself and did nothing. Every single day I drove to the hospital over and over again, I’d pull over and cry before I got there. But I was so paralyzed by my fear about what was happening that I didn’t turn it into action. I just asked for a nicer chair in the hospital room so I could hang out for hours on end with my dad as he died. He would have done everything in his power to help me, and for some reason I was such a scared little shit that I didn’t think to become the caretaker of my dad, who was always my caretaker. He needed me and I failed him.
ValueSubtracted@startrek.website 1 month ago
First of all, I’m very sorry for your loss.
Secondly, you knew he was receiving care from trained experts. And you showed up to be with him, which is a hell of a lot more than some people would be able to do.
In my experience, when it comes to the death of a loved one, there will always - always - be regrets of this nature. You’ll always be searching for the thing you could have done differently, or the thing you did “wrong.” It takes a long time to get to, “I think I can live with it.”
Or, to mix episodes, it is possible commit no mistakes and still lose.