I’d totally rock a minivan with all options checked. Captain’s chairs? 12 speaker audio system? Wireless Android Auto support? Double sunroof? Towing package? The plug-in hybrid powertrain with the eco i4 turbo? 8-way power seats with lumbar and massage? Rear seating entertainment with 4 screens (of course I got the 3-row seating)? Power doors and hatch? Integrated vacuum? Fuck yeah, give it to me. All of it.

Then when the teenagers roll up in daddy’s Camaro, I disable eco mode, engage AWD, crank the turbo psi with my Cobb AccessPort, and when we are in 4th gear I fire the nitrous hidden under the second row. Badass do-it-all sleeper minivan.

Oh and the stick figure family? All lies. Say hello to the polyamourous gay relationship, and our dog Spot. No white-picket fence American dream here. See you at Costco, loser. 😎