Comment on Anon tries being social
cynar@lemmy.world 2 days agoOne of the biggest problems is that, outside of early school, there’s no real way to practice social interactions in a safe setting. The only real option is jumping straight in. If you’re already slightly socially stunted, it can be very easy to mess it up. It only takes a couple of negative reactions to put someone off for a long time.
I almost fell into the same hole when I was younger. Thankfully I realised what was likely happening and worked on it. I’m still not good at cold approach social interactions, but I can at least now do it without screwing up catastrophically.
exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 day ago
There are small talk opportunities if you know where to look.
Dog parks are my favorite. Bring your dog, make small talk with the other owners, get to know some of them. It’s a low stakes environment that doesn’t cost any money, allows you to exit at any time, guarantees at least one shared interest or commonality with people who live near you. You don’t even have to talk to people the first few times you go, and can build up comfort/familiarity in the specific place before you take the next step of striking up a conversation with another regular you see a lot.
Another option is where unrelated parties might mingle in shared space: communal tables or bar seating at coffee shops or bars or parks or even restaurants. These fleeting interactions might help practice the skills of small talk, enough to where it’s easy to have conversations with strangers.
And sometimes you can outsource the actual cold approach to the extrovert strangers you might encounter, by giving them something to talk about. A baseball cap with your university, a T-shirt with your favorite band from a tour you saw live, a tattoo of something fun, other items of clothing or accessories that might attract positive attention. Sometimes people will say something about it, and then you can talk about a shared interest or background at that point.
Lines and waiting rooms are also sometimes good places to pass the time with conversations. It’s a little harder now than 20 years ago, with the rise of smartphones, but it’s still a place where people might be bored and appreciate a little conversation to mix things up.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 1 day ago
That’s all dependent on where you live. Maybe where you live that’s socially acceptable?
Where I live that’s not socially acceptable. It’s considered rude and offensive to approach strangers in public spaces.
korazail@eviltoast.org 16 hours ago
I fear for my kiddos because of this.
It’s now feeling offensive to approach people in public for any reason. As a full grown adult who is married, I feel awkward approaching someone at like a library reading a book I’ve read - they don’t want the interruption, they aren’t here to meet people; I get that. I’m just wanting to share my experiences and maybe make a friend.
Trying to find a partner is way harder.
I go out of my way to be gregarious in public spaces because I don’t want the normal to be people trapped in their bubbles and never interacting with the rest of the world. I’ve found that people sometimes light up when they are talked to, and that keeps me doing it.
I’m an introvert and it’s hard. You can do it too! Make small talk.
exasperation@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 day ago
I live in the United States. This is true of urban dog parks I’ve lived near in the East Coast, the West Coast, Texas, and the Midwest. I didn’t have a dog when I lived in rural or small town America, so I don’t have direct experience with that, but my impression of stranger openness in rural areas wasn’t that different.
For communal spaces, striking up conversations with people near you is also pretty natural. Sitting next to someone at a bar or counter, especially in hotels and airports, is an easy way to talk to someone to pass a little bit of time, and then just disappear back into anonymity whenever you feel like it. The training wheels version is talking to your bartender, and then leaving to talking to other people who are talking to the bartender.
At this point I also have kids, so anywhere there are other parents is also an easy way to talk to strangers. Parks and playgrounds. School and extracurriculars and summer camps and stuff like that have plenty of opportunities to run into semi regular faces that become familiar.
I also know several of my neighbors’ names (and basically all of their dogs’ names). When I lived in apartment buildings I tended to get to know a few other people who lived in the building, who I’d regularly see in the elevators or lobby or mail room or common areas/amenities.
Probably the most important skill is being able to say something as part of a fleeting moment. Even using the description of “approaching strangers” sounds far more intentional than what I’m talking about, rather than just saying something to someone who is already physically close enough to hear.
And no, nowhere I’ve lived or regularly worked in the US (around 10 cities and 7 states) would it be considered rude to say to a stranger “ooh, I like your shirt.” People like to be complimented, especially on their choices. Same with “can I say hi to your dog?” or “hey where did you buy that coffee, is it anywhere near here?” It’s easiest when not every interaction is expected to escalate, and fostering a particular openness is how extroverts meet others, and occasionally step up to the next level (turning a one-off question to a stop-and-chat, having a good enough small talk that you exchange contact information, grabbing a meal or drink together, doing another activity together, etc.). I get that it’s harder for people who don’t already do all these things to start, but I’m asking people to look for small ways to start, if that’s what they actually want in life.
TubularTittyFrog@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Cool. I live in Boston and anytime I try to be polite to people casually they almost always get angry, even when I’m doing them a favor like picking up something they dropped on the street.
You call it skills, I call it culture change, because I never had this issue 10 years ago. Folks were way more open minded and friendly a decade ago than they are today. Now I say hi to the person at the bar other than the bartender they glare and just stare harder into their phone.
Dog park by me is a lot of old folks who just want to talk about how young people are awful. Never met anyone under 60 at the dog parks I’ve been too. And most dog owners I meet on the street are completely unfriendly unless they are also gray-haired.
cynar@lemmy.world 1 day ago
Those all fall under the “jump straight in” category. If you can read the situation well, e.g. who is up for being approached, and who isn’t, then they work well for making new friends. Unfortunately, if you don’t yet have those basic social reading skills, it’s a minefield.
Incidentally, I’m fully past that set of issues. I used the fact that no one has any idea what’s going on at the start of university to practice and build skills.
I also help out with a nerd related social group. Neurodiversity is the heavy majority there. We often have people come along that are accidental shut-ins and want to meet people. I now make a point when showing them around to both make it clear that everyone there at that time is there to socialise and show stuff off. I also introduce them to a few people to break the ice. Watching people come out of their shell and realise they will be celebrated for their weirdness, not punished for it feels very good to me.
I’ve been on the receiving end of social punishment more than enough to call anyone risking it brave.