Okay, I feel you, but my real issue is that I don’t want them to dry my hands, I want several of them mounted high up on the wall so that after a shower I can just rotisserie myself in front of them like a car at the end of a car wash. Or like naked old men at the YMCA.

The problems are that they blow air that is too hot. You’re going to start sweating, and then why did you shower?
And also, those things are fucking loud. We’re talking ‘hearing loss’ loud. And if you want to use them on your hair, you’re basically blowing them right into your ears!

Now, see - I bought this medium-sized shop fan for other purposes. But that fucker blows. And I realized that I could just tuck it away in a corner and stand in front of it after I towel off. Yeah. It might make you a little chilly for a minute, but you won’t spend the next hour getting swamp ass and coffee sweats right as you got clean to start the day.
Instead, if you finish off your shower with a nice blow job, you’ll pop out of your bedroom crisp and dry, like the finest hotel sheets, ready to take on the day. That first harsh edge of your perfume or cologne will be wafted away. Your not-heat-damaged hair will get that ‘touseled in the wind and lovingly teased to perfection by the delicate fingers of angels’ look that will make everyone give you a second glance. It’ll give your pubes a lovely fluffy feeling, and you won’t stick to your clothes or wind up shoving damp feet into non-breathing shoes!