Comment on How to move a sofa
1rre@discuss.tchncs.de 1 week agoThing is, like you say, they’re willing to help a friend of a friend, but frankly the bar for a friend is pretty low for a lot of people. As someone who’s also neurodivergent and has had approximately three friends on average for most of my life, but recently moved to America and so had a full reset, I’ve been reminded that the majority of people like to think they’re good people, even if they have questionable beliefs or cut you off in traffic or whatever, and thay extends to helping out people that they know.
Given I’ve been in the country a month, have autism, and live out of the city, I’m still fairly confident if I needed a neighbor to take me to hospital, or someone to help me move a couch, or whatever else, I could find them even through work or the neighborhood pretty quickly, as it just takes one connection to flip a switch in people’s brains from “fuck that guy” to “they’re in my tribe, I’ll help them”
wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 1 week ago
That’s the thing, not everybody has that connection, and the people who lack it tend to be invisible in these kinds of situations, and there’s always a lot of overt hostility directed towards those people whenever they point out that they don’t have this thing that everyone else seems to be pretending that everyone has, which is community support.
It’s great that you feel like you connect and have the support you need, but that doesn’t justify the erasure of people who don’t have that.
1rre@discuss.tchncs.de 1 week ago
Yeah, I completely agree, but it also doesn’t mean that the people who don’t have that connection to you suddenly aren’t willing to help their community, it just means that you have trouble integrating into communities, which is very valid and I can completely relate and understand, as that’s kind of how being neurodivergent works.
As much as it sucks to hear, it’s absolutely an “it’s not them, it’s you” situation, and I’ve been in the same position, and still do get in the same position, where I’m feeling out of place, unsure what to do and unwelcome, and very sensitive to confirmations of that, which is part of at least my experience of being autistic, but I’ve learnt that a lot of the times you don’t actually have to pick up on social cues or whatever to make connections, as most people aren’t even that invested anyway, and to most people talking to someone, even if they’re weird, is better than talking to nobody. You may say “but everyone’s already got friends they’re always with” but even that’s just an autistic lens over it, as you’re just noticing when other people are having conversations but not you. And it doesn’t have to be everyone. Like you said yourself, being a friend of a friend goes a long way, so if you just have a few connections with people who are friendlier or more similar to you, then that just gets you into circles. You won’t exactly be neurotypical all of a sudden, but it definitely helps with feeling less different or isolated.
wonderingwanderer@sopuli.xyz 1 week ago
I do have trouble integrating into communities, that’s the whole point. That people like me experience erasure. Even now, as I point out that people like me exist, most replies I’m getting have been combative in trying to double down on that erasure.
Like, can we not just acknowledge that there are people who slip through the cracks of society and as a result face challenges that most people never even have to think about or consider? Things that most people view as so easy and simple, that suddenly aren’t so easy and simple when you have no friends or community.
But no, people don’t like that reminder, so they’re hostile towards it, which only reinforces the marginalization and erasure of people like me…
1rre@discuss.tchncs.de 1 week ago
I think it’s harsh on to call it erasure, but completely understand that in effect it’s the same thing, because to me it seems people are hostile because what you’re saying doesn’t match their lived experiences, and so they’re saying “that’s not how it is” because they believe that you’re pre-judging situations based on how you think people will react to neurodivergent people, when that’s not the case at all. I like to think it comes from a place of good intentions, but yeah in reality it’s no different to saying “just cheer up” to a depressed person, when it’s really not that easy or how it works. The most important thing is that as irritating as it is, harboring resentment over this kind of thing helps nobody, and the best thing you can do is accept that they’re trying (badly) to help, and that they just don’t fully understand what the issue is.