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Tartas1995@discuss.tchncs.de 2 weeks agoWhat a strange thing to say as a reaction to someone expressing worries about someone else’s health. “She might be unhealthy but she is still cute in my eyes, which is all that matters.” That is how it sounds.
Coke@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
didn’t say that’s all that matters. just wanted to point out she wasn’t hideous. i feel like people are reacting like she’s ugly now when she’s not. if she were reading this i’d want to reassure her that she’s still got beauty and she might be unhealthy now and it’s affecting her appearance but it isn’t game over for her, she’s still attractive and she can fix this and still be healthier and better looking. like it isn’t all doom and gloom for her
itsjustachairmary@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
‘You are beautiful’ is a normative statement about ‘beauty’ which is put on women as their ‘value’. You’re essentially saying ‘well she still has value because she is pretty’. And that’s exactly the kind of shit that leads to unhealthy coping strategies etc
Like, she doesn’t ‘have value’ because she’s ‘beautiful’. She just does. End of story. Putting this pressure on people, ‘good’ or ‘bad’ is still putting this pressure on people, what’s so hard to understand there.
Coke@lemmy.zip 2 weeks ago
i feel like you’re making assumptions here that i said her value only comes from her beauty. i think beauty adds to value but it’s not the only thing that matters for women OR men either for that matter. she clearly is going through the surgeries and anorexia because she cares about her appearance, so why is stating she still looks fine and isn’t ugly a bad thing? imo beauty does give you some value at least in a superficial sense. we aren’t robots, we have attraction to things and a positive attraction is a positive value.
FearMeAndDecay@literature.cafe 2 weeks ago
For a lot of people with eating disorders any comment about their appearance and attractiveness will only fuel the eating disorder. If they get lots of compliments when they’re dangerously skinny then they’ll obviously conclude “this is good I need to be skinny/skinnier.” However, when people say things like you did like “they were cuter before” it almost always spirals the person into trying to “fix” their appearance even more
You have to remember that unfortunately people with eating disorders do not see themselves objectively and they often are not thinking straight bc their body is struggling to survive. So even if you’re trying to say something positive, that’s not necessarily going to be the effect it has on the person. This is why it’s important to generally center the discussion around having a healthy lifestyle rather than appearance (actually being healthy, not when people use the word “healthy” to disparage anyone bigger than a size 2)
Also additional note that isn’t necessarily to do with this conversation, but people with eating disorders will often have their weight fluctuate drastically. Bc their eating habits are so inconsistent, their bodies get used to holding onto as much as they can, so it’s common for people with eating disorders to rapidly gain weight and then rapidly lose it, in a cycle. And of course, when they lose the weight people will compliment them usually, thus fueling the eating disorder. This is why it’s generally best to never comment on someone’s weight unless you know them really well and they’ve specifically been talking about losing weight in a healthy way. (And even then the focus should be on the benefits of the change like “you seems so much more energetic now/you look more comfortable in yourself” rather than their weight directly)
I don’t think you meant anything bad by your comment. I just think you don’t know much about eating disorders so this is a good learning opportunity
Tartas1995@discuss.tchncs.de 2 weeks ago
“I am not reducing her to her appearance, but if she wasn’t pretty in my opinion, it would be game over for her” that is how this reads. Look at the votes and realise that is what you sound like. If you feel and think differently to that, reflect on how you communicate your thoughts. I doubt you would want to tell e.g. a close female friend something that she would understand like that.
Your whole statement circles around the idea that while you agree that she is less healthy, she is still pretty and consequently, you think she will be fine. And that might be a understandable (while sad) perspective from a business perspective but you joined a conversation about her health. By moving the conversation away from her health towards her beauty (a very subjective matter, which is especially important in situation), you are communicating that you believe that a focus on her beauty is relevant.
Now i understand that you might be reacting to other people’s comments and you feel like they called her ugly and you don’t think she is. But instead of stating that, e.g. by saying “while it seems like she is less healthy right now, let’s not call her ugly, that is just mean. And personally, i still think she is pretty” but by saying things that imply that her value is in her matching your aesthetic sense.
I want to assume that your heart is in the right but your words are not.