Men and women are playing fundamentally different games when on the dating apps.

Even unattractive women can go from clearing out their inbox to having 30 or 40 likes/swipes in a couple of hours, with basically no effort required on their part. If they are conventionally attractive, that number goes way up. Eventually, they’ll run dry of the pool and it will slow down significantly, but there will always be more men cycling in over time. It’s easy and effortless, but unfortunately it’s not all rosy for the gals. There’s a serious lack of quality in the hordes of horny men. If your objective was just to hook up with someone, you could easily reel in the most handsome guy who swiped on your profile, but if you want someone who is husband/partner material, you have to separate the wheat from the chaff, and that’s hard to do when opening the app sometimes feels like a chore, even if it gives you a confidence/ego boost.

For men, on the other hand, it’s mostly a numbers game. Sure, you actually have to try when you do match with someone, you skim their profile and look for something to hook onto and cold open hoping that they notice and appreciate that you took the time to read about them rather than just belting out “ey bby u want sum fuk?”. But you can’t get too attached to any one potential match - not getting a response or getting ghosted is quite common. Attractive men do not have it much easier, since there’s so much noise in the system that unless you are that person’s type, or an absolute unicorn, you still have to distinguish yourself through conversation and prove you are not a weirdo.

I agree with you though, paying to get your profile boosted, while obviously a good business tactic from the app devs, feels wrong and scummy. When I did it, I rationalized that I was simply paying for the service and it was not just me paying to be matched up with someone, or presenting a badge on my profile that says “I have enough expendable income to pay to be noticed”.

I think we lost something when courtship shifted from real-life engagements to online spaces. Something fundamental to the chemistry of attraction and romance.