No no no! What are you guys DOING??? Stop shaving! I haven’t shaved in years! Sometimes I trip over my beard, but when I walk into a room shirtless, covered in honey, people notice. I walk in, hold up a stick and yell “I DO NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR AUTHORITY! THIS ESTABLISHMENT HAS NOW BEEN BOARDED BY THE VIKINGS!!! RAAAAWWWWRRRRR!!!”

And suddenly starbucks gives you free drinks! Also, if they don’t, you burn the tinderbox to the ground. Ghosts and all. They know it’s coming. They know there’s some random vikings out there in the world, and one day they’ll ransack your building if you don’t give them free spoils.

Then one day as a viking is laying claim to his new domain, a pirate walks through the front door. Assisted by canon fire from outside. That’s when you know it’s on! Because Blackbeard don’t fuck around with razors either! My god! Why are you people shaving! Go steal a boat! Or go steal a house! Why are you applying to be an accountant???