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plyth@feddit.org 2 months agoa submissive woman violated my boundaries to the point IDK if I’ll ever be comfortable domming again.
This sounds like a paradox. How is that possible? What would be a tame example of the sub crossing the boundaries of the dom?
captainlezbian@lemmy.world 2 months ago
Repeatedly treating my stated boundaries as an opening point for negotiations. Emotional manipulation. Lies. Frequent demands of my time and energy claiming it was an emergency and harm would come to her without assistance. Making every hard no an opportunity to beat herself up and every soft no a drawn out negotiation.
The fact is she’s very good at all that and I wasn’t the last person in the community to be victimized by her (I was one of the first, and I was very open about it afterwards).
I accept that I didn’t maintain my boundaries nearly as well as I should have, it’s something I’ve always struggled with, and I have a hard time saying no to a person requesting help from me. I still have occasional nightmares of running into her. I still feel ridiculous being victimized like that.
plyth@feddit.org 2 months ago
Thanks for sharing. Sounds like the submissive role had a twist. I think there is no shame in feeling compelled to help.
captainlezbian@lemmy.world 2 months ago
I think it’s better to frame it as the submissive role attracts a certain type of insecure person, some of whom are well into the personality disorder or abusive range, and whose abusive tendencies can be less easy to see.
There are dominant equivalents, but it’s very much the narcissism to the submissive borderline. Those dominants refuse to take no for an answer and punish it not through fear of hurting them or of being seen as the villain, but instead with fear of being a bad sub or fear of disappointing them. Both make you fear their anger.
And the other big difference is the community has long been talking about abusive dominants, whereas we’re still in the process of starting the conversation about abusive submissives. Partly due to preconceived bias, but also partly due to severity of damage. Abusive subs are more likely to only really traumatize you, while abusive doms can enter into grievous bodily harm. It’s also that dominant style abuse is more visible at events. We’re starting to see consent conversions and warnings about abusive partners specifically talk about this though.
plyth@feddit.org 2 months ago
punish …
Just to clarify, that’s abusive doms?
Whereas abusive subs are the ones who influence their doms with
If you don’t mind the question, why would a dom fear the anger of a sub? isn’t there always suppressed anger if the sub is forced to act against their will? If they want everything they have to do I would call that caring and animating but not dominating.