Comment on Anon asks out a girl

• Ibuthyr@feddit.org ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Thanks for typing it out! Half of the people here apparently have never dated or had fun the old way, without apps. In fact, it’s downright sad to see that basic human interaction is dying out. These skills that everyone kind of had to learn in the past transfer to day to day life. Many younger people are just not pleasant to be around in the office because they have zero social skills.

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  • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨4⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    The wild part is that I’m not even 40 yet.

    And, I am literally autistic, struggled with socializing a fair bit in middle and high school, and then forced myself to learn social skills in college, in part through going to bars and learning how to be a wingman and such.

    Like… what I have described is the 101 stuff, lol.

    Maybe I’m just… too good at masking, or something? I dunno anymore.

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• jj4211@lemmy.world ⁨3⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  I think it’s not so much that he approached a stranger or even that he overheard the conversation, but using his overhearing of the conversation as the whole pretense of asking her out.

  “I heard you talking about how you need a date so here I am”

  The problems are:

  While you don’t expect privacy, it is still kind of weird for someone to explicitly mention that they were an unintended participant to the conversation. It amps up the awkwardness which is the last thing you want if you are trying to make someone comfortable. She may very well be explicitly aware that her conversation was overheard, but it’s something that can be put aside, except it was explicitly brought up.

  Further, the rationale makes it sound like he thinks she is doing her a favor. The takeaway is not “you seem interesting/attractive and I’d like to get to know you” it seems more like “you seem like you are in need and I could do you a favor by taking you out”. That takeaway is going to feel like the offer makes her just seem more pathetic, like a “pity date”. Particularly in front of her friends, any whiff of a “pity date” will trigger being defensive.

  Of course the story is probably all a fabrication, but taking it at face value I certainly see how it is ‘off’.

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  • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨26⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

    Yep, his tactics were not on point, gave major creepo vibes.

    I fully understand that it was cringe, poorly executed, poorly worded, conveyed desperation and pathetic…ness.

    That just directly saying “So I overheard your conversation…” is nearly 100% guaranteed to creep somebody out.

    But he did not insult her.

    He did nothing threatening.

    He didn’t single her out, didn’t use the crowd traffic to pin her, didn’t just literally grab her, didn’t “accidentally” get her surrounded by all his other dude bro friends in a crowd.

    I’ve seen dudes do all kindsa shit like that.

    That’s rude, that’s threatening.

    This guy literally ran away and cried.

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    On the reverse of that… I myself have been approached by women with equally terrible opening lines and surrounding contexts/situations, conveying desperation being… agonizingly awkward.

    Every one of them that I declined, I politely declined, trying to soothe the rejection with some kind of compliment on the way out.

    Only time I ever felt threatened or that they were being rude was when when they would not take no for an answer, when they insulted me after I tried to turn them down gently, and/or they literally grabbed me or tried to physically pin me in some way.

    This woman was needlessly cruel.

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    Further, you’re just making up headcanon that he viewed this as a better deal for her, that he was showing some kind of pity to her by approaching.

    There’s nothing in the text that indicates that’s what he was thinking. Literally nothing.

    That’s your fancanon, your projection, your invention.

    All he does is say “I heard a woman say she wwas looking for a partner. So I tried to ask her out on a date.”

    In fact, what he does say about his mindset indicates the opposite.

    It took him 3 hours to work up the nerve, to try to generate the confidence to approach her.

    He sat there agonizing about whether or not this would end in disaster for 3 hours, before he tried to pull the trigger.

    ---

    And sure, yes, we’re this story at face value, could be bullshit or very skewed.

    … But I was once this guy.

    I mean, younger than these two, but oh lordy were some of my high school, and even early college attempts at flirting cringeworthy, still haunt me to this day.

    I just managed to keep trying, and find success as I found my confidence and my own more true sense of personality and style, if that makes any sense.

    Beyond that, I’ve wingmanned for guys pretty much just like this guy.

    This is an entirely plausible story; its not just plausible, its quite common.

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    • jj4211@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨minutes⁩ ago

      There’s nothing in the text that indicates that’s what he was thinking.

      She isn’t a telepath, it’s not about what he was thinking, it’s a risk of how it may be perceived. Taking offense/getting defensive is not about what was intended, but how it was taken. So if she, even incorrectly, thought there was a ‘pity date’ being offered she might have been overly mean in her reaction.

      It’s not about judging, it’s about feedback and offering an outside perspective on facets that could be done better next time. Even if you are thinking this should be a good opportunity for both of you because of her stated problems, don’t bring it up explicitly. It’s clearly something she is likely to be touchy about.

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• TheTechnician27@lemmy.world ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

  Also… what world are you living in where talking to someone you haven’t previously met, in a bar, is a social faux pas?

  It’s not inherently. That’s why the sentence had more words than just the ones about being strangers. I expect you to know how to read sentences given your comment is a fucking wall of them.

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  • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨13⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

    Try reading all of them.

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    • treesapx@lemmy.world ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

      If your first lines are that ignorant it’s not worth going through the rest. It’s weird and creepy to just eavesdrop like that for hours then brazenly jump into their conversation to drop a pickup line.

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      • sp3ctr4l@lemmy.dbzer0.com ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Ok.

        Let me explain how bars work.

        They are generally fairly small and crowded.

        There are often a lot of people having conversations with a lot of other people.

        You can often hear some, or most of these, depending on where you are sitting.

        Overhearing other peoples private conversations, that they are having in a public space, often loudly…

        … That is not eavesdropping.

        That is existing, in a bar.

        Framing this as eavesdropping is absurd.

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      • Rekorse@sh.itjust.works ⁨8⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

        Do you talk to yourself often?

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