Comment on Anon hires a goth chick
sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 4 weeks agoI want to give an alternative perspective that will hopefully help.
A lot of people make arbitrary lists of requirements, like they need these physical features, these hobbies, etc. Then when they’re getting to know people, they go one by one down that checklist to see if they measure up like they’re shopping for furniture instead of making a friend. Then they get frustrated that “nobody is interested in a relationship” when the fact is they’re just not interested in being treated like a product at a store.
My advice is to go out with the intent to make friends. It could turn out that you find a new hobby you really enjoy with one friend that just doesn’t hit the same with anyone else or by yourself. Maybe that’s DnD, quilting, or skating. Try new things with new people and maybe you’ll find companionship with someone you didn’t expect.
As you begin a new relationship, make sure you align on whatever’s most important to you, but be flexible with the rest, and be comfortable with the other person not changing in the ways you expect or want. Here are some things I think it’s goods to be picky about:
- long term plans and goals - what does ideal retirement look like? Are kids a possibility or necessity?
- religious/political values - you don’t need to agree, but you do need to be okay with any disagreement
- money - will you combine finances or keep things separate? What expectations do you have for discussing spending?
I think pretty much everything else becomes less important once you meet the right person.
latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 weeks ago
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt in 34 years of existing on this planet, it’s that feelings can’t be controlled - we can only control our actions, but good luck swimming against the current of what the heart desires. If someone wants to make friends, then that will be the intent. If someone wants a relationship, making friends will never suffice. And it’s ok to go out there with the intent of finding a partner specifically!
I do agree with you in that one should know what one wants out of a relationship, the important things. As you’ve said, reproductive trajectory, goals, dreams, ideals, beliefs, lifestyle, these are all vital aspects. But it’s also ok if someone has more aspects on that list, my “vital” may look vastly different from anyone else’s “vital.” For instance, I delve into the abstracts as well. I need someone creative in my life, I need someone who understands hardships and doesn’t treat them as “just smile more, bro, you’ll get over it.” I need someone who understands their feelings, who works with and around them instead of trying to deny or control them. And I need someone who’s into weird shit, into grim and grotesque shit, because those are a large part of my life, of who I am.
Point is, it’s ok to want a relationship and not friendship! It’s ok to want specifics! As long as one goes out there with openness and honesty, and treats everyone with the respect all life deserves, without wanting or expecting someone to change for them, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with however one chooses to go about things. All methods require an amount of compromise, one just has to decide what kind of compromise one is willing and capable to make!
But that’s just it, openness, honesty and respect are VITAL. Be open to knowing a person on their own terms, just as you would like to be known. Be honest, always, about what you want, how you feel (or don’t feel!), and respect everyone’s right to define who they want to be without imposing who you’d want them to be.
sugar_in_your_tea@sh.itjust.works 3 weeks ago
I honestly don’t know you personally, but my point is that maybe you don’t need all of that in one person. Maybe you just need someone who will support you in things you find value in and encourage you to pursue your passions, but you’ll actually pursue them with different groups of people.
And that’s the point of going out and making friendship a priority. Friends can meet a lot of needs and reduce what you need from a romantic partner. If you can separate what roles a romantic partner must satisfy from what can be satisfied by friend groups, your pool of potential partners increases substantially.
For example, I’m really nerdy and into a lot of weird technical stuff. My SO is quite different and doesn’t know what I’m talking about half the time, and is really into art and related things. We do things together where we overlap, and the rest is with other friend groups.
I think people get hung up looking for the perfect fit instead of a good fit.
Exactly!
latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 weeks ago
Hey, sorry for the late reply, Life™ happened and I kept missing the notification.
Personally, through trial and error, I’ve come to the conclusion that do, indeed, need those aspects in a relationship, but the degrees in which they’re present aren’t as relevant! Gonna go into TMI, probably, but as a concrete example, I won’t say “no” of someone isn’t actively into the Grotesque, but they liked something of Giger’s, or Beksiński’s when I showed them! There’s at least the potential for exploration there, which is a lot of fun in and of itself!
Otherwise, I think that each and every individual has their own very specific set of needs and acceptable compromises, which is why I think we’re both correct! In that, literally, any which way someone goes about something is ok, as long as their potential interest gets full respect, honesty and openness at the end of the day. And even regardless of result, but that’s besides the point.
As far as being open to friendship while pursuing romantic relationships, that doesn’t work for me personally, because I look for very different things when looking for partners compared to when I’m allowing friendships to happen - different dynamics, different investments, different intentions, and generally looking for people who, like me, are actively seeking romantic stuff, means it usually makes friendships mutually untenable afterwards. If there’s the possibility and a friendship develops naturally and without uncomfortable difficulties, of course I won’t say “no” to it, though!