Comment on Anon is worried about men
frog_brawler@lemmy.world 1 day ago
I’m 41 now but I haven’t gone on a date-date in 3 years or so. The TL;DR online dating is absolutely not worth participating in. Neither is speed dating, and people are isolating more and more.
I’m not wildly attractive but I’m not unattractive either. I’m probably like a 6 or a 7. I think I’m interesting and can hold a reasonable conversation. I’m intelligent. I’ve been told I’m funny (sometimes). I am a bit clumsy sometimes though. I’ve been in two long term (3+ years) relationships in my life but one of those relationships ended due to alcohol (we mutually sucked at the time), and the other due to financial reasons. Both hurt pretty deep when they ended and I didn’t date for a couple years after either of those.
In the time that I wasn’t feeling some form of loss from relationships that meant something, I tried online dating. I tried OkCupid, Bumble, PlentyOfFish, some bullshit regarding a bagel, Tinder, match.com, etc. I probably tried any of them that were active at the time. Not once did it ever amount to a relationship, in probably 15 years of using those sites off and on. I’ve unquestionably had more bad experiences than good. 9 out of 10 dates are bad. 1 ouf of 10 are ok. The worst time I recall was when a woman drugged me after our date. Another bad time I can recall, my date showed up on drugs or drunk or just incredibly stupid or something. She racked up a $110 bar tab during our 30 minute meet and greet and dipped out without saying anything at all or paying the bill. I was once catfished (is it catfishing when it’s just straight up someone else’s picture, or does it have to be your own picture doctored up / photoshopped to be considered catfishing?) by a co-worker on Bumble. I’ve been stood up for a first date at three or four times. I’ve been cancelled on an hour or two before a date at least 15 times.
The last time I had an online date, everything seemed to be going fine, we had a drink at the first bar, established that we seemingly got along, went on a walk around downtown, check out a show and then all of a sudden I’m being told about a sex kit that she purchased from a vending machine while I was in the bathroom that she wants to try out. I thought she was pretty cool before that. I wasn’t 100% sure if I was attracted to her, but I knew we at least got along on a person-to-person level. Telling me about a sex kit like that on the first date was a “eh, hard pass” for me. Maybe as I’m getting older I need more time to get into that idea. I don’t know. I never really mentioned it to anyone.
Speed dating is also, completely shit; and it’s a scam. The first time I tried speed dating, it was some website where you pick your city, your age range, and then what event you’d want to attend based on your other parameters. They take your money, and then send you an email a day before the event saying the event is cancelled because they couldn’t get enough people, but you cannot have a refund either. Then you attempt to re-schedule and it gets cancelled a second time for the same reason, then a third. Finally - you attend one of these things in person, end up getting “3 matches” emailed to you, and then you attempt to make contact and never hear from anyone ever again.
I felt like a complete horses’ ass when I attempted to do speed dating a second time 12 years later and had a very similar experience. This second time around though, I did a charge back on my credit card after the 3rd cancellation because “they couldn’t get enough people to attend.” Thanks for nothing Troy.
After soooo many bad experiences, and never having any success with what are the now conventional methods, I feel like I have a trauma response to the idea of dating now. I’d still like to be in a happy relationship, but thinking about trying again causes me stress.
I’m introverted by nature, and as of 7 months ago, I live alone in a state, where I also work remotely from home and know no one. I tried a few events from Meetup.com thinking, “hey, maybe this is how 40-year-olds make friends,” but didn’t enjoy anything that I went to, other than the events where people sit in an audience quietly and watch someone else on stage. I found a really cool thing that I like attending where anyone is welcome to get up on stage and tell an 8 minute story about pretty much anything - fact or fiction. I really enjoy attending these, but it’s no way to meet people.
I imagine I’m not alone in my experiences.
You are absolutely not alone in those experiences. What you’ve described is almost exactly the paradigm of experience since the pandemic- people are just bizarre and unpleasant, even while espousing a desire to make connections. It’s a bit mind boggling, but also very lonely.
It kind of feels like we are STILL isolating, except there are large cohorts of toxic people who aren’t, and so stepping foot outside is inevitably a run-in with some jerk, or jerkette.
Well, if it clarifies things at all – most of those dates were pre-pandemic. The only date I described that was post-pandemic was the woman who was cool but came on too strong.
Eh, I think my points still stand.
People, in general, don’t seem really inclined to make any kind of lasting, substantive connections and the pandemic just exacerbated the social and economic spiraling that was already extant. It also forced the majority of US Americans to see that there are no safety nets and our leadership (regardless of political flavor) is almost laughably inept/corrupt/blasé; in other words, no one is coming to save us, and that outlook is grim. So the average person, understandably, has some tunnel vision and a kind of deep, subconscious sense that things are going to get worse, regardless of their efforts to the contrary. That’s rocky ground to build any kind of foundation.
Agreed, the point still stands 100%. I just wanted to make sure that the timelines were clear.
deathbird@mander.xyz 23 hours ago
I think if a woman you like making a hard pass at you makes you want to pass on her, you have something internal to resolve if you’re thinking you still want to be in an intimate relationship with another human being.
I mean dating at 40 has to be hard anyway. Your body does not look the same. It does not work the same. And making friends when you’re older is hard. If you’re religious you can try joining the church. At the stage thing did you go up and tell a story?
Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee 14 hours ago
Whoa whoa, not every at 40 is a washed up wreck. Physical maintenance and nutrition has come a long way. We aren’t the 40+ of the 80s and 90s who looked rundown af.
frog_brawler@lemmy.world 13 hours ago
Yea I wasn’t going to get into that, but you’re absolutely right. I’m in the best psychical shape of my life right now, since I’ve been going to the gym almost daily since I have no one to socialize with in person.
deathbird@mander.xyz 13 hours ago
Was not trying to say 40-somethings are washed up, but if you think it’s like 20-something I have some herbal brain supplements to sell you.
Also that message may have been public but it wasn’t aimed at you. I don’t know but I’m sure you’re doing great. You’re maybe taking it from a perspective of someone who is in a different place from OP.
frog_brawler@lemmy.world 23 hours ago
I think the rejection of the hard pass was maybe me more deciding that I wasn’t attracted to her. Maybe something else though, you could be right.
Atheist (but maybe Buddhist after a lot of stuff I’ve been reading recently), so the religious thing is mostly a no go. Perhaps I’ll explore Buddhism a bit more though, and see if there’s a temple or something the sort local to me. That could be interesting.
I’ve not gotten up and told a story, no. I don’t really have one that I’d like to share yet. I just enjoy listening to other peoples’ stories for the most part. There’s also the aspect of not necessarily knowing if it’s fact or fiction sometimes that adds some excitement.