Comment on The one drawback to walking at night
2ugly2live@lemmy.world 2 weeks agoI am judged for the way I look. I am very large and masculine, as well as black. I am more likely to be confused as the danger than be in danger. I have had women cross the street to avoid me. So, as a person who has experienced this more than being seen as a woman, I still wouldn’t be upset. I don’t get mad or offended when a woman avoids me because she doesn’t know me. I’m a stranger, and she doesn’t owe me her bravery or even her kindness. Yeah, she doesn’t know me, yeah, I’m not a threat, but I don’t know that woman and it’s not for me to police.
And you know what I mean by the last part. I am very, very well aware that emotional abuse is extremely damaging. Any kind of abuse is. What I meant was that if you have the choice of murder or emotional abuse, I would pick emotional abuse extremely on the ground that I’m not dying, not because I think it’s “easy.” I thought it was belittling the danger that some people face as not a fear for their lives. That’s why I compared it to male DV because I below e that to be on a similar level, not that emotional abuse just doesn’t exist.
starelfsc2@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
I’m saying it’s fine that you aren’t bothered by it, but some people really are, and hate being compared to dangerous people and are sensitive about it, and will react badly to it. The way you respond is valid and the way they respond is valid, if a bit on edge. I can’t really explain it past that, it’s like someone is sensitive about their weight and you say “those clothes fill you out nicely,” and they get mad at you, when that’s not what you meant. It’s not your fault for saying it, it’s just knowing there are a lot of people who are sensitive about being called dangerous, we might want to take that into account.
I actually didn’t know what you meant, because I’ve met and read of many people who were suicidal due to emotional abuse, or live the rest of their lives feeling unsafe and distressed, so it seemed a valid comparison. I don’t think they would agree being killed would be worse than what they went through/the effects it had on them. Obviously this isn’t ALL cases, but that’s why it seemed a valid comparison to me.
I think about this sometimes, but you have 2 sides that are emotionally hurt and defensive. A woman out of an abusive relationship will say “all men are evil” and the men who are sensitive to that will get mad thinking they’re responding to a statement, not emotions. Now the man is likely to respond with emotions too, like “how could you say that about ME!”
I’m not blaming the woman in that state, or even the man for responding that way. Some people are on edge, and saying “men” to them means “including me” and now they have to defend themselves from the attack. If you don’t know why they would be so on edge, I would wager it’s because popular media (or even people in their own lives!) usually insinuates or outright says “men are idiots, men aren’t emotional, men are dangerous, men aren’t bothered by anything.” If you are the opposite of that, you’re going to be upset. This is also true for women. I’m just saying this is why people might be on edge.
Side note: I saw a comment saying “women lose all interest as soon as you open up emotionally” and about 1/2 the replies to them were saying “maybe the really bad women do this, but this is an incel talking point.”
2ugly2live@lemmy.world 2 weeks ago
I guess my issue is why the discomfort of some men is what dominated the conversation (in this instance). Men are also victims of murder, more so than women. But this thread went right into, “You’re making us feel attacked.” This wasn’t about them in this capacity. The energy wasn’t, "I wonder why that is, or, “me too” or even, “lol, hyperbole.” It’s like, “Me too” versus “what about me” energy.
One of the highest posts (at the time of replying) is a damn near essay about how it’s worse for men when the post isn’t even denying that in the first place. Like, I don’t even disagree with it, but why are “you” on the defensive? If we’re on the same side, and both genders don’t want to be murdered, why did “You” come in with that energy? I could understand if they said “me too” and were hit with an essay in return, or silenced. But they weren’t (not that they should have been). Men didn’t join this conversation/thread and expand on the experience, they took it over and completely changed topic because (some of) their hurt feelings were more pressing than the concerns being referenced to. This meme didn’t even pick women out as the sole victim, and they still came in ready to yell over the hypothetical female victim of this hypothetical night crime.
Their feelings being hurt outweighed any truth behind that meme. Their feelings outweighed concerns for their own safety. Their feelings outweighed any woman who did feel like that post was relatable, who could have shared tips or suggestions. If someone did that now, they would have to “prove” their point before they could address it, or that they’re not trying to say they hate xyz, they’re just trying to give tips, etc.,etc.
This is not to say those mens’ feelings do not matter, nor that they should not be addressed in how we talk about violence, this is to say that this wasn’t about them, feelings or otherwise. It was about people, of any gender, who like going out at night, but sometimes get spooked. It was making a joke at how some activities aren’t always safe, and that sucks. If they saw themselves on the same side, I don’t know why they made it “male victim” VS “female victim” in the first place.
(Sorry that this is long as hell. I’m a rambler.)
starelfsc2@sh.itjust.works 2 weeks ago
Tl;dr. (jk) I guess it’s like, I know this post wasn’t aimed at me but even still reading the words “men love to murder” I’m like “hey what? What did I do??”
I didn’t comment on it because it doesn’t bother me that much, but you’re asking why people who are upset and angry make the conversation about them… I think there’s your answer. They probably don’t even fully understand why they’re angry and just wrote what sounded good to them. I’d wager the majority of guys on lemmy are not neurotypical and already experience people treating them poorly, or thought they were scary because they’re weird, and now they’re being grouped with dangerous people. I know that’s not what the post meant, but again it’s the overweight person being sensitive, they’re not choosing to get upset over it that’s just how they reacted.
semi-related, there is a psychiatrist who made a youtube channel called healthygamergg where he would talk about psychology topics and set up coaching for people to improve their lives. I’m in to psychology so I watched quite a few of his videos, but to the point his community had said “you need to address how women are treated in gaming.” (obviously terribly) So he made a video talking about how women had it hard and that you can’t exist as a woman in a game without being heckled. 100% on board. Then he said “like, women have it so much harder, you guys are living on easy mode.” and I haven’t watched a video of his since if was so hurtful. I know that’s not what he meant, I know he just meant women have a lot of unique struggles men don’t have etc, but to hear the stuff me and my friends went through being called easy mode was… really hurtful. Point being sometimes people have sore spots, and even if they should read it one way, I can’t blame them for reading it another.