Comment on Rainbolt never misses

• LouNeko@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

  A brief summary of the history of Europe.

  First thete were the Italians but back then they weren’t called the Italians, back then the were called Roman Empire because it sounded cooler. They set out to conquer the whole world, not knowing that this would also include the small tiny tiny provide of ALL OF CHINA, and India, and Persia. But they came pretty far into Europe’s mainland. But then the were like “It’s to biggus, we can’t governus all thatus, let’s justus leavus.” And then for like 5 minutes everybody could develope their own culture - surprisingly even Britain, but their culture was mostly throwing rocks at Scotts and building boats to escape their women.

  So while everybody was cooking, the Spanish decided it would be cool to fall of the edge of the earth, but to everybodies disappointment they just discovered America instead, which was a little less cool because they hoped to stop at India but GPS hadn’t been invented yet.

  Then 50 million people died because of the plague.

  …

  Anyway, the Jews survived because not only did they have soap, but contrary to The French™ they actually used it too (this will be important later).

  So Jews were suddenly everywhere, and the catholic church didn’t like that. Luckily the catholic church got nerfed into the evangelical church because they offline farmed XP during the crusades and gotten to OP.

  So while everybody was busy swimming to America to find out what all the fuzz is about, The French™ decided to conquer Europe but this time with more sass. But then they got too sassy and a bunch of students killed all the rich guys on a mountain. But then they themselves themselves became the rich guys on the mountain. I know shocker.

  Then Germany was like “Why are we just like 20 small countries in a trenchcoat instead of being an actual kingdom, yo Austria you in?” And Austria was like “No, fuck you, here take this random painter dude, but carefull, he’s wierdo.”

  Then some prince guy was chilling a little bit to conformably outside 6th street, and a Serbian dude was like “He he, don’t mind if I do.” and 360 noscoped him (but only on the 3rd try tho, he had really bad RNG). And then Germany was like “That’s a neat trick, but check this out.” And then 17 Million people died.

  After everybody ran out of food and ammo, the weird Austrian painter guy was like “Man all those Jews with their soap, what if we just turn them into soap, hehe”. AND he was salty because he got gassed big time in the first war so he wanted to gas someone back. Then he proceeded to scream “ROUND 2 BABY” and then 80 Million people died.

  Afterwards America, the British and Moscow were like “That’s it Germany, 1 was pushing it, but 2 is enough, you don’t get to be a country any more”. Weirdly even The French™ had a say in this even tho they lost their whole country in the pre-game.

  But Japan was like “We wirru neveru surrenderu.” but made the mistake to attack Americas boats (they really love their boats). So America decided to drop 2 Suns on them and then they were finally like “OK, we surrenderu”. And that’s how anime got invented.

  America had its Emo phase and decided to hurt itself by dropping 2000 Suns on Nevada (which explains a lot) and some Islands. Japan thinks that we made a giant lizard they call Gojira, but nobody tell them that we just made that up.

  Moscows Nevada was Kazakhstan and they also dropped 2000 suns there until they almost lit the atmosphere on fire on some Island because they laced their scientists coffee with vodka.

  Meanwhile in Ukraine a nuclear reactor exploded, and soap wouldn’t cut it this time. So while Russia were fixing that they ran out if money to fix the cracks in the wall that divided Germany so a bunch of hippies could just break it down with their bare hands. So Germany could finally be a country again. Everybody was skeptic at first until they started making cars and then everybody just couldn’t stay mad at them anymore.

  Moscow in the meantime was like “Everybody for themselves” and broke the USSR up into a bunch of countries that all look and sound the same but are irrational angry with each other.

  The US and Britain then said to Russia “OK we will not station our Suns right at your doorstep in Ukraine if you stop eyeballin in for like 5 seconds.” And Russia said “OK, hehe”.

  Then Russia was still like “Is for me ^///^” and took a big chunk of the Ukraine making it look weirdly unsymmetrical on the map. Strangely everybody was kind of Ok with that.

  Then they tried to go for doubles and take the whole thing, but this time everybody went “Nuh uh”, ordered a bunch of toy drones from Temu, superglued some grenades to them and showed them that “War really has Changed”. So this has been going on for like 3 years now.

  And this is exactly why we hate The French™

  Also somehow the Nazis have returned.

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  • coldsideofyourpillow@lemmy.cafe ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    this was more educational than my anything my school has ever taught

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  • greedytacothief@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Thank you for turning my shitty sleep deprived joke into something that contributed to the conversation, you’re a real one.

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  • baggachipz@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Lemmy needs a “best of” archive.

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  • AshLassay@lemmy.world ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    Yes between the fall of Rome and the discovery of the New World nothing happened. Europe was just very demure, very mindful

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  • nawordar@lemmy.ml ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    You forgot about the ancient Greece

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  • shaserlark@sh.itjust.works ⁨2⁩ ⁨months⁩ ago

    This all we need to know lmao, thanks

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