Anytime we talk about human behavior, it is a good idea to learn and use the lens of behavioral contextualism. What behavioral contextualism says is that all behavior should be understood in context, including internal contexts, such as thoughts and emotions, as well as external contexts, such as stimuli from environments and other people. Anything that you read here, including this comment, should be held as a hypothesis until we understand what things (words that come out of your coworker’s mouth or their behaviors, or your coworkers history or any other relevant factor) led to the behavior. It is crucial to understand what things mean to your coworker to make any sensible analysis.

This does not mean that we cannot start formulating good hypotheses. It would be a good idea to learn about contextual behaviorism. Another incredibly powerful lens is the recognition that your coworker is a mammal, and specifically a human being. The vast majority of humans need to feel connected and understood. This can be understood very well through the lens of emotionally focused therapy. Sue Johnson is a great resource to learn how certain kinds of conversations create connection in relationships. This lens will become useful if our contextual behavioral analysis concludes that the problems that you are describing are caused by a lack of a sense of connection. However, once again, contextual behaviorism is the way to go.

Here’s a ranked list of resources, considering comprehensiveness, accessibility, and practical utility:

1. “Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change” by Steven C. Hayes, Kirk D. Strosahl, and Kelly G. Wilson

   • This book is considered a foundational text in contextual behaviorism and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
   • It’s comprehensive and includes numerous clinical examples.
   • While it’s aimed at clinicians, it’s relatively accessible to motivated lay readers.

2. “Learning RFT: An Introduction to Relational Frame Theory and Its Clinical Applications” by Niklas Törneke

   • This book provides an excellent introduction to Relational Frame Theory, a key component of contextual behaviorism.
   • It’s written in a clear, accessible style with many examples.
   • It’s particularly useful for understanding how language and cognition influence behavior.

3. “The Act in Context: The Canonical Papers of Steven C. Hayes” edited by Steven C. Hayes and Stefan G. Hofmann

   • This collection of papers provides a deep dive into the theoretical foundations of contextual behaviorism.
   • It’s more academic in nature but offers a comprehensive overview of the field’s development.

4. “A Liberated Mind” by Steven C. Hayes

   • This is a self-help book based on contextual behaviorism principles.
   • It’s very accessible and includes numerous exercises and examples.
   • While not as comprehensive as academic texts, it’s excellent for practical application.

5. “Contextual Behavioral Science: Creating a Science More Adequate to the Challenge of the Human Condition” by Steven C. Hayes and Stefan G. Hofmann

   • This book provides a broader overview of contextual behavioral science.
   • It’s more advanced and theoretical but offers valuable insights into the philosophical underpinnings of the approach.

If and only if the contextual behaviorist analysis concludes that human connections is the issue, you can read Sue Johnson’s books.