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naeap@sopuli.xyz ⁨10⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

My partner thinks the same of me 😞

I’m very focused on optimizing things and sometimes I just want to ask, why she is doing things her way, because I think, that I’m maybe missing something.

She always brings up the example, that I even tell her, she wakes tomatoes wrong, because she used warm water.
But they are just easier to cut, when they are cold and the skin doesn’t already separate

She takes the critique very personal and now it’s mostly me cooking…
Which is fine, but I’m feeling bad, because I didn’t want to say, that she does something wrong, I see such things as external and we can improve, not attached to the person as a being.

So, when she does something better, I don’t feel bad, I try to adapt her style.
Other way round, it’s always a personal critique it seems

But I’m also very picky with food and obviously not an easy person. So I’m happy, she still sticks with me and I’ll happily cook for her

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papalonian@lemmy.world ⁨7⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago

So, when she does something better, I don’t feel bad, I try to adapt her style.
Other way round, it’s always a personal critique it seems

When she does something better, do you say something to her that shows her you’ve learned something and are going to change how you do it? It might seem like you have a “I always know best, my way or the highway” attitude but if you show a bit of humility and can accept that you don’t always have the best methods, it might show her that you don’t want things always done “your way”, you’re just looking for the “best way”.

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- naeap@sopuli.xyz ⁨6⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
  I ask, why she does that this way, so I can learn, and yes, I then tell her, that this is cool and I’m happy to do it that way as well
  
  But asking already is triggering a defense mechanism now… 😞
  
  In general, we are perfectly fine though and very happy with each other
  So this is not a real problem, just would like to do it better
  
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  - papalonian@lemmy.world ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    
    So hopefully, you now have a better picture and don’t think of my like an asshole anymore, that doesn’t let any other idea being ok ;⁠-⁠)
    
    I didn’t have this picture of you to begin with, I only offered advice because it seemed your partner thought so, haha.
    
    This could be a language / cultural thing, but if I was doing something I’ve done a hundred times and someone asked me, “why are you doing it that way?” I would also be frustrated and defensive. Even though it’s a simple question with no implications, it can feel like the other person is saying you’re doing something wrong.
    
    Let’s look at your tomato example. They’re washing tomatoes without even really thinking about it, and are asked, “why are you doing it like that?” (again, not a directly confrontational question, but can be perceived as such) Now slightly defensive they have to justify a behavior they did not think about before starting. The response is probably going to be short and… not happy.
    
    I know you’re asking the question to find the best, most efficient way. You know that, and your partner probably knows it too, but when it happens in the moment (especially if they’ve already got a disposition towards those questions) it can be hard to look past your preconceived assumptions of the question.
    
    So instead of seeing them wash tomatoes with hot water and asking “why are you doing that”, maybe you can ask, “is it better to wash them with hot water? I normally use cold because xyz”.
    
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    naeap@sopuli.xyz ⁨5⁩ ⁨hours⁩ ago
    Well yeah, we’re together since more than 12 years now, so by now she knows me and we’re actually cooking together - usually the one with the idea what to cook takes the lead and the other one assists
    
    So it’s not a major problem, but there is always room to improve :⁠-⁠)
    
    I’ve already tried different ways to ask, but as said, she knows me and can read between the lines ;⁠-⁠)
    
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