I want to be the chicken because no one has any expectations of the chicken except to just be a chicken.

But I’m not going to get to be the chicken.

You know what I’m going to be? I’m going to be Elmo.

Why?

Because someone has to be Elmo, and no one else wants to be Elmo. So as is my lot in life, I’m going to step up and do what no one else will do and fucking be Elmo. And I’ll be the best goddamn Elmo anyone’s ever met.

And whoever gets to be the chicken: I hate you.